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The Comedy of Errors: Act II, Scene 2

The Comedy of Errors
Act II, Scene 2

A public place.

  1. Enter Antipholus Erotes of Syracuse.

Antipholus of Syracuse

1 - 12
  1. The gold I gave to Dromio is laid up
  2. Safe at the Centaur, and the heedful slave
  3. Is wand’red forth, in care to seek me out.
  4. By computation and mine host’s report,
  5. I could not speak with Dromio since at first
  6. I sent him from the mart! See, here he comes.
  7. Enter Dromio of Syracuse.
  8. How now, sir, is your merry humor alter’d?
  9. As you love strokes, so jest with me again.
  10. You know no Centaur? You receiv’d no gold?
  11. Your mistress sent to have me home to dinner?
  12. My house was at the Phoenix? Wast thou mad,
  13. That thus so madly thou didst answer me?

Dromio of Syracuse

13
  1. What answer, sir? When spake I such a word?

Antipholus of Syracuse

14
  1. Even now, even here, not half an hour since.

Dromio of Syracuse

15 - 16
  1. I did not see you since you sent me hence
  2. Home to the Centaur with the gold you gave me.

Antipholus of Syracuse

17 - 19
  1. Villain, thou didst deny the gold’s receipt,
  2. And toldst me of a mistress, and a dinner,
  3. For which I hope thou feltst I was displeas’d.

Dromio of Syracuse

20 - 21
  1. I am glad to see you in this merry vein.
  2. What means this jest? I pray you, master, tell me.

Antipholus of Syracuse

22 - 23
  1. Yea, dost thou jeer and flout me in the teeth?
  2. Think’st thou I jest? Hold, take thou that, and that.
  1. Beats Dromio.

Dromio of Syracuse

24 - 25
  1. Hold, sir, for God’s sake! Now your jest is earnest,
  2. Upon what bargain do you give it me?

Antipholus of Syracuse

26 - 34
  1. Because that I familiarly sometimes
  2. Do use you for my fool, and chat with you,
  3. Your sauciness will jest upon my love,
  4. And make a common of my serious hours.
  5. When the sun shines, let foolish gnats make sport,
  6. But creep in crannies, when he hides his beams:
  7. If you will jest with me, know my aspect,
  8. And fashion your demeanor to my looks,
  9. Or I will beat this method in your sconce.

Dromio of Syracuse

35 - 39
  1. Sconce call you it? So you would leave battering, I had
  2. rather have it a head. And you use these blows long, I must
  3. get a sconce for my head, and ensconce it too, or else I
  4. shall seek my wit in my shoulders. But I pray, sir, why am I
  5. beaten?

Antipholus of Syracuse

40
  1. Dost thou not know?

Dromio of Syracuse

41
  1. Nothing, sir, but that I am beaten.

Antipholus of Syracuse

42
  1. Shall I tell you why?

Dromio of Syracuse

43 - 44
  1. Ay, sir, and wherefore; for they say, every why hath a
  2. wherefore.

Antipholus of Syracuse

45 - 46
  1. Why firstfor flouting me, and then wherefore
  2. For urging it the second time to me.

Dromio of Syracuse

47 - 50
  1. Was there ever any man thus beaten out of season,
  2. When in the why and the wherefore is neither rhyme nor
  3. reason?
  4. Well, sir, I thank you.

Antipholus of Syracuse

51
  1. Thank me, sir, for what?

Dromio of Syracuse

52
  1. Marry, sir, for this something that you gave me for nothing.

Antipholus of Syracuse

53 - 54
  1. I’ll make you amends next, to give you nothing for
  2. something. But say, sir, is it dinner-time?

Dromio of Syracuse

55
  1. No, sir, I think the meat wants that I have.

Antipholus of Syracuse

56
  1. In good time, sir: what’s that?

Dromio of Syracuse

57
  1. Basting.

Antipholus of Syracuse

58
  1. Well, sir, then ’twill be dry.

Dromio of Syracuse

59
  1. If it be, sir, I pray you eat none of it.

Antipholus of Syracuse

60
  1. Your reason?

Dromio of Syracuse

61 - 62
  1. Lest it make you choleric, and purchase me another dry
  2. basting.

Antipholus of Syracuse

63 - 64
  1. Well, sir, learn to jest in good timethere’s a time for all
  2. things.

Dromio of Syracuse

65
  1. I durst have denied that before you were so choleric.

Antipholus of Syracuse

66
  1. By what rule, sir?

Dromio of Syracuse

67 - 68
  1. Marry, sir, by a rule as plain as the plain bald pate of
  2. Father Time himself.

Antipholus of Syracuse

69
  1. Let’s hear it.

Dromio of Syracuse

70 - 71
  1. There’s no time for a man to recover his hair that grows
  2. bald by nature.

Antipholus of Syracuse

72
  1. May he not do it by fine and recovery?

Dromio of Syracuse

73 - 74
  1. Yes, to pay a fine for a periwig, and recover the lost hair
  2. of another man.

Antipholus of Syracuse

75 - 76
  1. Why is Time such a niggard of hair, being (as it is) so
  2. plentiful an excrement?

Dromio of Syracuse

77 - 78
  1. Because it is a blessing that he bestows on beasts, and what
  2. he hath scanted men in hair he hath given them in wit.

Antipholus of Syracuse

79
  1. Why, but there’s many a man hath more hair than wit.

Dromio of Syracuse

80
  1. Not a man of those but he hath the wit to lose his hair.

Antipholus of Syracuse

81 - 82
  1. Why, thou didst conclude hairy men plain dealers without
  2. wit.

Dromio of Syracuse

83 - 84
  1. The plainer dealer, the sooner lost; yet he loseth it in a
  2. kind of jollity.

Antipholus of Syracuse

85
  1. For what reason?

Dromio of Syracuse

86
  1. For twoand sound ones too.

Antipholus of Syracuse

87
  1. Nay, not sound, I pray you.

Dromio of Syracuse

88
  1. Sure ones then.

Antipholus of Syracuse

89
  1. Nay, not sure, in a thing falsing.

Dromio of Syracuse

90
  1. Certain ones then.

Antipholus of Syracuse

91
  1. Name them.

Dromio of Syracuse

92 - 93
  1. The one, to save the money that he spends in tiring; the
  2. other, that at dinner they should not drop in his porridge.

Antipholus of Syracuse

94 - 95
  1. You would all this time have prov’d there is no time for all
  2. things.

Dromio of Syracuse

96 - 97
  1. Marry, and did, sir: namely, e’en no time to recover hair
  2. lost by nature.

Antipholus of Syracuse

98 - 99
  1. But your reason was not substantial, why there is no time to
  2. recover.

Dromio of Syracuse

100 - 101
  1. Thus I mend it: Time himself is bald, and therefore, to the
  2. world’s end, will have bald followers.

Antipholus of Syracuse

102 - 103
  1. I knew ’twould be a bald conclusion. But soft, who wafts us
  2. yonder?
  1. Enter Adriana and Luciana.

Adriana

104 - 140
  1. Ay, ay, Antipholus, look strange and frown,
  2. Some other mistress hath thy sweet aspects:
  3. I am not Adriana, nor thy wife.
  4. The time was once, when thou unurg’d wouldst vow
  5. That never words were music to thine ear,
  6. That never object pleasing in thine eye,
  7. That never touch well welcome to thy hand,
  8. That never meat sweet-savor’d in thy taste,
  9. Unless I spake, or look’d, or touch’d, or carv’d to thee.
  10. How comes it now, my husband, O, how comes it,
  11. That thou art then estranged from thyself?
  12. Thyself I call it, being strange to me,
  13. That, undividable incorporate,
  14. Am better than thy dear self’s better part.
  15. Ah, do not tear away thyself from me;
  16. For know, my love, as easy mayst thou fall
  17. A drop of water in the breaking gulf,
  18. And take unmingled thence that drop again,
  19. Without addition or diminishing,
  20. As take from me thyself and not me too.
  21. How dearly would it touch thee to the quick,
  22. Shouldst thou but hear I were licentious,
  23. And that this body, consecrate to thee,
  24. By ruffian lust should be contaminate?
  25. Wouldst thou not spit at me, and spurn at me,
  26. And hurl the name of husband in my face,
  27. And tear the stain’d skin off my harlot brow,
  28. And from my false hand cut the wedding-ring,
  29. And break it with a deep-divorcing vow?
  30. I know thou canst, and therefore see thou do it.
  31. I am possess’d with an adulterate blot;
  32. My blood is mingled with the crime of lust:
  33. For if we two be one, and thou play false,
  34. I do digest the poison of thy flesh,
  35. Being strumpeted by thy contagion.
  36. Keep then fair league and truce with thy true bed,
  37. I live dis-stain’d, thou undishonored.

Antipholus of Syracuse

141 - 145
  1. Plead you to me, fair dame? I know you not:
  2. In Ephesus I am but two hours old,
  3. As strange unto your town as to your talk,
  4. Who, every word by all my wit being scann’d,
  5. Wants wit in all one word to understand.

Luciana

146 - 148
  1. Fie, brother, how the world is chang’d with you:
  2. When were you wont to use my sister thus?
  3. She sent for you by Dromio home to dinner.

Antipholus of Syracuse

149
  1. By Dromio?

Dromio of Syracuse

150
  1. By me?

Adriana

151 - 153
  1. By thee, and this thou didst return from him,
  2. That he did buffet thee, and in his blows
  3. Denied my house for his, me for his wife.

Antipholus of Syracuse

154 - 155
  1. Did you converse, sir, with this gentlewoman?
  2. What is the course and drift of your compact?

Dromio of Syracuse

156
  1. I, sir? I never saw her till this time.

Antipholus of Syracuse

157 - 158
  1. Villain, thou liest, for even her very words
  2. Didst thou deliver to me on the mart.

Dromio of Syracuse

159
  1. I never spake with her in all my life.

Antipholus of Syracuse

160 - 161
  1. How can she thus then call us by our names,
  2. Unless it be by inspiration?

Adriana

162 - 174
  1. How ill agrees it with your gravity
  2. To counterfeit thus grossly with your slave,
  3. Abetting him to thwart me in my mood!
  4. Be it my wrong you are from me exempt,
  5. But wrong not that wrong with a more contempt.
  6. Come, I will fasten on this sleeve of thine:
  7. Thou art an elm, my husband, I a vine,
  8. Whose weakness, married to thy stronger state,
  9. Makes me with thy strength to communicate:
  10. If aught possess thee from me, it is dross,
  11. Usurping ivy, brier, or idle moss,
  12. Who, all for want of pruning, with intrusion
  13. Infect thy sap, and live on thy confusion.

Antipholus of Syracuse

175 - 180
  1. To me she speaks, she moves me for her theme:
  2. What, was I married to her in my dream?
  3. Or sleep I now and think I hear all this?
  4. What error drives our eyes and ears amiss?
  5. Until I know this sure uncertainty,
  6. I’ll entertain the offer’d fallacy.

Luciana

181
  1. Dromio, go bid the servants spread for dinner.

Dromio of Syracuse

182 - 186
  1. O for my beads! I cross me for a sinner.
  2. This is the fairy land. O spite of spites!
  3. We talk with goblins, owls, and sprites;
  4. If we obey them not, this will ensue:
  5. they’ll suck our breath, or pinch us black and blue.

Luciana

187 - 188
  1. Why prat’st thou to thyself, and answer’st not?
  2. Dromio, thou drumble, thou snail, thou slug, thou sot!

Dromio of Syracuse

189
  1. I am transformed, master, am not I?

Antipholus of Syracuse

190
  1. I think thou art in mind, and so am I.

Dromio of Syracuse

191
  1. Nay, master, both in mind and in my shape.

Antipholus of Syracuse

192
  1. Thou hast thine own form.

Dromio of Syracuse

193
  1.                           No, I am an ape.

Luciana

194
  1. If thou art chang’d to aught, ’tis to an ass.

Dromio of Syracuse

195 - 197
  1. ’Tis true she rides me and I long for grass.
  2. ’Tis so, I am an ass, else it could never be
  3. But I should know her as well as she knows me.

Adriana

198 - 206
  1. Come, come, no longer will I be a fool,
  2. To put the finger in the eye and weep,
  3. Whilst man and master laughs my woes to scorn.
  4. Come, sir, to dinner. Dromio, keep the gate.
  5. Husband, I’ll dine above with you today,
  6. And shrive you of a thousand idle pranks.
  7. Sirrah, if any ask you for your master,
  8. Say he dines forth, and let no creature enter.
  9. Come, sister. Dromio, play the porter well.

Antipholus of Syracuse

207 - 211
  1. Am I in earth, in heaven, or in hell?
  2. Sleeping or waking, mad or well-advis’d?
  3. Known unto these, and to myself disguis’d?
  4. I’ll say as they say, and persever so,
  5. And in this mist at all adventures go.

Dromio of Syracuse

212
  1. Master, shall I be porter at the gate?

Adriana

213
  1. Ay, and let none enter, lest I break your pate.

Luciana

214
  1. Come, come, Antipholus, we dine too late.
  1. Exeunt.
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