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The Merry Wives of Windsor: Act I, Scene 3

The Merry Wives of Windsor
Act I, Scene 3

A room in the Garter Inn.

  1. Enter Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nym, Pistol, Robin,
  2. Falstaff’s page.

Falstaff

1
  1. Mine host of the Garter!

Host

2
  1. What says my bully-rook? Speak scholarly and wisely.

Falstaff

3
  1. Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.

Host

4
  1. Discard, bully Hercules, cashier; let them wag; trot, trot.

Falstaff

5
  1. I sit at ten pounds a week.

Host

6 - 8
  1. Thou’rt an emperorCaesar, Keiser, and Pheazar. I will
  2. entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap. Said I
  3. well, bully Hector?

Falstaff

9
  1. Do so, good mine host.

Host

10 - 11
  1. I have spoke; let him follow.
  2. To Bardolph.
  3. Let me see thee froth and lime. I am at a word; follow.
  1. Exit.

Falstaff

12 - 14
  1. Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade. An old
  2. cloak makes a new jerkin; a wither’d servingman a fresh
  3. tapster. Go, adieu.

Bardolph

15
  1. It is a life that I have desir’d. I will thrive.

Pistol

16
  1. O base Hungarian wight! Wilt thou the spigot wield?
  1. Exit Bardolph.

Nym

17
  1. He was gotten in drink. Is not the humor conceited?

Falstaff

18 - 20
  1. I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox; his thefts were
  2. too open; his filching was like an unskillful singer, he
  3. kept not time.

Nym

21
  1. The good humor is to steal at a minute’s rest.

Pistol

22 - 23
  1. Convey,” the wise it call. Steal”? Foh! A fico for the
  2. phrase!

Falstaff

24
  1. Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.

Pistol

25
  1. Why then let kibes ensue.

Falstaff

26
  1. There is no remedy; I must cony-catch, I must shift.

Pistol

27
  1. Young ravens must have food.

Falstaff

28
  1. Which of you know Ford of this town?

Pistol

29
  1. I ken the wight; he is of substance good.

Falstaff

30
  1. My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.

Pistol

31
  1. Two yards, and more.

Falstaff

32 - 38
  1. No quips now, Pistol! Indeed I am in the waist two yards
  2. about; but I am now about no waste; I am about thrift.
  3. BrieflyI do mean to make love to Ford’s wife. I spy
  4. entertainment in her. She discourses, she carves, she gives
  5. the leer of invitation. I can construe the action of her
  6. familiar style, and the hardest voice of her behavior (to be
  7. English’d rightly) is, I am Sir John Falstaff’s.”

Pistol

39 - 40
  1. He hath studied her well, and translated her will, out of
  2. honesty into English.

Nym

41
  1. The anchor is deep. Will that humor pass?

Falstaff

42 - 43
  1. Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband’s
  2. purse. He hath a legion of angels.

Pistol

44
  1. As many devils entertain; and To her, boy,” say I.

Nym

45
  1. The humor rises; it is good. Humor me the angels.

Falstaff

46 - 49
  1. I have writ me here a letter to her; and here another to
  2. Page’s wife, who even now gave me good eyes too, examin’d my
  3. parts with most judicious iliads; sometimes the beam of her
  4. view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly.

Pistol

50
  1. Then did the sun on dunghill shine.

Nym

51
  1. I thank thee for that humor.

Falstaff

52 - 60
  1. O, she did so course o’er my exteriors with such a greedy
  2. intention, that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch
  3. me up like a burning-glass! Here’s another letter to her.
  4. She bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold
  5. and bounty. I will be cheaters to them both, and they shall
  6. be exchequers to me. They shall be my East and West Indies,
  7. and I will trade to them both. Go, bear thou this letter to
  8. Mistress Page; and thou this to Mistress Ford. We will
  9. thrive, lads, we will thrive.

Pistol

61 - 62
  1. Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
  2. And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!

Nym

63 - 64
  1. I will run no base humor. Here, take the humor-letter; I
  2. will keep the havior of reputation.

Falstaff

65 - 70
  1. To Robin.
  2. Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;
  3. Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.
  4. Rogues, hence, avaunt, vanish like hailstones; go!
  5. Trudge! Plod away i’ th’ hoof! Seek shelter, pack!
  6. Falstaff will learn the humor of the age,
  7. French thrift, you roguesmyself and skirted page.
  1. Exeunt Falstaff and Robin.

Pistol

71 - 74
  1. Let vultures gripe thy guts! For gourd and fullam holds,
  2. And high and low beguiles the rich and poor.
  3. Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
  4. Base Phrygian Turk!

Nym

75
  1. I have operations in my head which be humors of revenge.

Pistol

76
  1. Wilt thou revenge?

Nym

77
  1. By welkin and her star!

Pistol

78
  1. With wit or steel?

Nym

79 - 80
  1. With both the humors, I.
  2. I will discuss the humor of this love to Page.

Pistol

81 - 84
  1. And I to Ford shall eke unfold
  2. How Falstaff (varlet vile)
  3. His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
  4. And his soft couch defile.

Nym

85 - 87
  1. My humor shall not cool. I will incense Page to deal with
  2. poison; I will possess him with yallowness, for the revolt
  3. of mine is dangerousthat is my true humor.

Pistol

88
  1. Thou art the Mars of malcontents. I second thee; troop on.
  1. Exeunt.
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