Act IV, Scene 2
A room in Olivia’s house.
- Enter Maria and Clown.
Maria1 - 3
- Nay, I prithee put on this gown and this beard, make him
- believe thou art Sir Topas the curate, do it quickly. I’ll
- call Sir Toby the whilst.
Feste4 - 9
- Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in’t, and
- I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a
- gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor
- lean enough to be thought a good student; but to be said an
- honest man and a good house-keeper goes as fairly as to say
- a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.
- Enter Toby and Maria.
- Jove bless thee, Master Parson.
Feste11 - 15
- Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for as the old hermit of Prague, that
- never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King
- Gorboduc, “That that is is”; so I, being Master Parson, am
- Master Parson; for what is “that” but “that,” and “is” but
- To him, Sir Topas.
- What ho, I say! Peace in this prison!
- The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.
- Who calls there?
Feste20 - 21
- Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the
- Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.
Feste23 - 24
- Out, hyperbolical fiend! How vexest thou this man! Talkest
- thou nothing but of ladies?
- Well said, Master Parson.
Malvolio26 - 28
- Sir Topas, never was man thus wrong’d. Good Sir Topas, do
- not think I am mad; they have laid me here in hideous
Feste29 - 31
- Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest
- terms, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the
- devil himself with courtesy. Say’st thou that house is dark?
- As hell, Sir Topas.
Feste33 - 35
- Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the
- clerestories toward the south north are as lustrous as
- ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction?
- I am not mad, Sir Topas, I say to you this house is dark.
Feste37 - 39
- Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but
- ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians
- in their fog.
Malvolio40 - 43
- I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance
- were as dark as hell; and I say there was never man thus
- abus’d. I am no more mad than you are; make the trial of it
- in any constant question.
- What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild-fowl?
- That the soul of our grandam might happily inhabit a bird.
- What think’st thou of his opinion?
- I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.
Feste48 - 51
- Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness. Thou shalt
- hold th’ opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits,
- and fear to kill a woodcock lest thou dispossess the soul of
- thy grandam. Fare thee well.
- Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
- My most exquisite Sir Topas!
- Nay, I am for all waters.
Maria55 - 56
- Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown, he
- sees thee not.
Sir Toby57 - 62
- To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou
- find’st him. I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he
- may be conveniently deliver’d, I would he were, for I am now
- so far in offense with my niece that I cannot pursue with
- any safety this sport t’ the upshot. Come by and by to my
- Exit with Maria.
Feste63 - 64
- “Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
- Tell me how thy lady does.”
- “My lady is unkind, perdie.”
- “Alas, why is she so?”
- Fool, I say!
Feste70 - 71
- “She loves another”—
- Who calls, ha?
Malvolio72 - 74
- Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help
- me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper. As I am a
- gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for’t.
- Master Malvolio?
- Ay, good fool.
- Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
Malvolio78 - 79
- Fool, there was never man so notoriously abus’d; I am as
- well in my wits, fool, as thou art.
Feste80 - 81
- But as well! Then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in
- your wits than a fool.
Malvolio82 - 84
- They have here propertied me, keep me in darkness, send
- ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out
- of my wits.
Feste85 - 87
- Advise you what you say; the minister is here.—Malvolio,
- Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! Endeavor thyself to
- sleep, and leave thy vain bibble babble.
- Sir Topas!
Feste89 - 91
- Maintain no words with him, good fellow.—Who, I, sir? Not I,
- sir. God buy you, good Sir Topas.—Marry, amen.—I will, sir,
- I will.
- Fool, fool, fool, I say!
Feste93 - 94
- Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for
- speaking to you.
Malvolio95 - 96
- Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I tell thee
- I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.
- Well-a-day that you were, sir!
Malvolio98 - 100
- By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and light;
- and convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall
- advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.
Feste101 - 102
- I will help you to’t. But tell me true, are you not mad
- indeed, or do you but counterfeit?
- Believe me I am not, I tell thee true.
Feste104 - 105
- Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his brains. I
- will fetch you light and paper and ink.
Malvolio106 - 107
- Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree. I prithee be
Feste108 - 119
- I am gone, sir,
- And anon, sir,
- I’ll be with you again;
- In a trice,
- Like to the old Vice,
- Your need to sustain;
- Who with dagger of lath,
- In his rage and his wrath,
- Cries, ah, ha! To the devil;
- Like a mad lad,
- Pare thy nails, dad.
- Adieu, goodman devil.