Act III, Scene 2
A room in Olivia’s house.
- Enter Sir Toby, Sir Andrew, and Fabian.
- No, faith, I’ll not stay a jot longer.
- Thy reason, dear venom, give thy reason.
- You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.
Sir Andrew4 - 6
- Marry, I saw your niece do more favors to the Count’s
- servingman than ever she bestow’d upon me. I saw’t i’ th’
- Did she see thee the while, old boy? Tell me that.
- As plain as I see you now.
- This was a great argument of love in her toward you.
- ’Slight! Will you make an ass o’ me?
Fabian11 - 12
- I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of judgment
- and reason.
Sir Toby13 - 14
- And they have been grand-jurymen since before Noah was a
Fabian15 - 25
- She did show favor to the youth in your sight only to
- exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valor, to put fire in
- your heart, and brimstone in your liver. You should then
- have accosted her, and with some excellent jests, fire-new
- from the mint, you should have bang’d the youth into
- dumbness. This was look’d for at your hand, and this was
- balk’d. The double gilt of this opportunity you let time
- wash off, and you are now sail’d into the north of my lady’s
- opinion, where you will hang like an icicle on a Dutchman’s
- beard, unless you do redeem it by some laudable attempt
- either of valor or policy.
Sir Andrew26 - 27
- And’t be any way, it must be with valor, for policy I hate.
- I had as lief be a Brownist as a politician.
Sir Toby28 - 33
- Why then build me thy fortunes upon the basis of valor.
- Challenge me the Count’s youth to fight with him, hurt him
- in eleven places—my niece shall take note of it, and assure
- thyself, there is no love-broker in the world can more
- prevail in man’s commendation with woman than report of
- There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.
- Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?
Sir Toby36 - 43
- Go, write it in a martial hand, be curst and brief. It is no
- matter how witty, so it be eloquent and full of invention.
- Taunt him with the license of ink. If thou thou’st him some
- thrice, it shall not be amiss; and as many lies as will lie
- in thy sheet of paper, although the sheet were big enough
- for the bed of Ware in England, set ’em down. Go about it.
- Let there be gall enough in thy ink, though thou write with
- a goose-pen, no matter. About it.
- Where shall I find you?
- We’ll call thee at the cubiculo. Go.
- Exit Sir Andrew.
- This is a dear manikin to you, Sir Toby.
Sir Toby47 - 48
- I have been dear to him, lad, some two thousand strong, or
Fabian49 - 50
- We shall have a rare letter from him; but you’ll not
Sir Toby51 - 55
- Never trust me then; and by all means stir on the youth to
- an answer. I think oxen and wain-ropes cannot hale them
- together. For Andrew, if he were open’d and you find so much
- blood in his liver as will clog the foot of a flea, I’ll eat
- the rest of th’ anatomy.
Fabian56 - 57
- And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no great
- presage of cruelty.
- Enter Maria.
- Look where the youngest wren of nine comes.
Maria59 - 63
- If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourselves into
- stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio is turn’d heathen, a
- very renegado; for there is no Christian that means to be
- sav’d by believing rightly can ever believe such impossible
- passages of grossness. He’s in yellow stockings.
- And cross-garter’d?
Maria65 - 72
- Most villainously; like a pedant that keeps a school i’ th’
- church. I have dogg’d him like his murderer. He does obey
- every point of the letter that I dropp’d to betray him. He
- does smile his face into more lines than is in the new map,
- with the augmentation of the Indies; you have not seen such
- a thing as ’tis. I can hardly forbear hurling things at him.
- I know my lady will strike him. If she do, he’ll smile, and
- take’t for a great favor.
- Come bring us, bring us where he is.
- Exeunt omnes.