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Twelfth Night: Act II, Scene 5

Twelfth Night
Act II, Scene 5

Olivia’s garden.

  1. Enter Sir Toby, Sir Andrew, and Fabian.

Sir Toby

1
  1. Come thy ways, Signior Fabian.

Fabian

2 - 3
  1. Nay, I’ll come. If I lose a scruple of this sport, let me be
  2. boil’d to death with melancholy.

Sir Toby

4 - 5
  1. Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly rascally
  2. sheep-biter come by some notable shame?

Fabian

6 - 7
  1. I would exult, man. You know he brought me out o’ favor with
  2. my lady about a bear-baiting here.

Sir Toby

8 - 9
  1. To anger him we’ll have the bear again, and we will fool him
  2. black and blue, shall we not, Sir Andrew?

Sir Andrew

10
  1. And we do not, it is pity of our lives.
  1. Enter Maria.

Sir Toby

11
  1. Here comes the little villain. How now, my metal of India?

Maria

12 - 18
  1. Get ye all three into the box-tree; Malvolio’s coming down
  2. this walk. He has been yonder i’ the sun practicing behavior
  3. to his own shadow this half hour. Observe him, for the love
  4. of mockery; for I know this letter will make a contemplative
  5. idiot of him. Close, in the name of jesting!
  6. The men hide themselves.
  7. Lie thou there;
  8. Throws down a letter.
  9. for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.
  1. Exit.
  1. Enter Malvolio.

Malvolio

19 - 23
  1. ’Tis but fortune, all is fortune. Maria once told me she did
  2. affect me, and I have heard herself come thus near, that
  3. should she fancy, it should be one of my complexion.
  4. Besides, she uses me with a more exalted respect than any
  5. one else that follows her. What should I think on’t?

Sir Toby

24
  1. Here’s an overweening rogue!

Fabian

25 - 26
  1. O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock of him. How
  2. he jets under his advanc’d plumes!

Sir Andrew

27
  1. ’Slight, I could so beat the rogue!

Sir Toby

28
  1. Peace, I say!

Malvolio

29
  1. To be Count Malvolio!

Sir Toby

30
  1. Ah, rogue!

Sir Andrew

31
  1. Pistol him, pistol him!

Sir Toby

32
  1. Peace, peace!

Malvolio

33 - 34
  1. There is example for’t: the Lady of the Strachy married the
  2. yeoman of the wardrobe.

Sir Andrew

35
  1. Fie on him, Jezebel!

Fabian

36 - 37
  1. O, peace! Now he’s deeply in. Look how imagination blows
  2. him.

Malvolio

38 - 39
  1. Having been three months married to her, sitting in my
  2. state

Sir Toby

40
  1. O, for a stone-bow, to hit him in the eye!

Malvolio

41 - 43
  1. Calling my officers about me, in my branch’d velvet gown;
  2. having come from a day-bed, where I have left Olivia
  3. sleeping

Sir Toby

44
  1. Fire and brimstone!

Fabian

45
  1. O, peace, peace!

Malvolio

46 - 48
  1. And then to have the humor of state; and after a demure
  2. travel of regardtelling them I know my place as I would
  3. they should do theirsto ask for my kinsman Toby

Sir Toby

49
  1. Bolts and shackles!

Fabian

50
  1. O, peace, peace, peace! Now, now.

Malvolio

51 - 54
  1. Seven of my people, with an obedient start, make out for
  2. him. I frown the while, and perchance wind up my watch, or
  3. play with mysome rich jewel. Toby approaches; curtsies
  4. there to me

Sir Toby

55
  1. Shall this fellow live?

Fabian

56
  1. Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace.

Malvolio

57 - 58
  1. I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar smile
  2. with an austere regard of control

Sir Toby

59
  1. And does not Toby take you a blow o’ the lips then?

Malvolio

60 - 61
  1. Saying, Cousin Toby, my fortunes, having cast me on your
  2. niece, give me this prerogative of speech”—

Sir Toby

62
  1. What, what?

Malvolio

63
  1. You must amend your drunkenness.”

Sir Toby

64
  1. Out, scab!

Fabian

65
  1. Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot!

Malvolio

66 - 67
  1. Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with a foolish
  2. knight”—

Sir Andrew

68
  1. That’s me, I warrant you.

Malvolio

69
  1. One Sir Andrew”—

Sir Andrew

70
  1. I knew ’twas I, for many do call me fool.

Malvolio

71
  1. What employment have we here?
  1. Taking up the letter.

Fabian

72
  1. Now is the woodcock near the gin.

Sir Toby

73 - 74
  1. O, peace, and the spirit of humors intimate reading aloud to
  2. him!

Malvolio

75 - 77
  1. By my life, this is my lady’s hand. These be her very c’s,
  2. her u’s, and her t’s, and thus makes she her great P’s. It
  3. is, in contempt of question, her hand.

Sir Andrew

78
  1. Her c’s, her u’s, and her t’s: why that?

Malvolio

79 - 80
  1. Reads.
  2. To the unknown belov’d, this, and my good wishes”:—
  3. Her very phrases! By your leave, wax. Soft! And the impressure her Lucrece, with which she uses to seal. ’Tis my lady. To whom should this be?

Fabian

81
  1. This wins him, liver and all.

Malvolio

82 - 86
  1. Reads.
  2. Jove knows I love,
  3. But who?
  4. Lips, do not move;
  5. No man must know.”
  6. No man must know.” What follows? The numbers alter’d! No man must know.” If this should be thee, Malvolio?

Sir Toby

87
  1. Marry, hang thee, brock!

Malvolio

88 - 91
  1. Reads.
  2. I may command where I adore,
  3. But silence, like a Lucrece knife,
  4. With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore;
  5. M.O.A.I. doth sway my life.”

Fabian

92
  1. A fustian riddle!

Sir Toby

93
  1. Excellent wench, say I.

Malvolio

94 - 95
  1. M.O.A.I. doth sway my life.” Nay, but first let me see, let
  2. me see, let me see.

Fabian

96
  1. What dish a’ poison has she dress’d him!

Sir Toby

97
  1. And with what wing the staniel checks at it!

Malvolio

98 - 102
  1. I may command where I adore.” Why, she may command me: I
  2. serve her, she is my lady. Why, this is evident to any
  3. formal capacity, there is no obstruction in this. And the
  4. endwhat should that alphabetical position portend? If I
  5. could make that resemble something in me! Softly! M.O.A.I.—

Sir Toby

103
  1. O ay, make up that. He is now at a cold scent.

Fabian

104 - 105
  1. Sowter will cry upon’t for all this, though it be as rank as
  2. a fox.

Malvolio

106
  1. MMalvolio; Mwhy, that begins my name.

Fabian

107 - 108
  1. Did not I say he would work it out? The cur is excellent at
  2. faults.

Malvolio

109 - 110
  1. Mbut then there is no consonancy in the sequel that suffers
  2. under probation: A should follow, but O does.

Fabian

111
  1. And O shall end, I hope.

Sir Toby

112
  1. Ay, or I’ll cudgel him, and make him cry O!

Malvolio

113
  1. And then I comes behind.

Fabian

114 - 115
  1. Ay, and you had any eye behind you, you might see more
  2. detraction at your heels than fortunes before you.

Malvolio

116 - 153
  1. M.O.A.I. This simulation is not as the former; and yet, to
  2. crush this a little, it would bow to me, for every one of
  3. these letters are in my name. Soft, here follows prose.
  4. Reads.
  5. If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I am above
  6. thee, but be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great,
  7. some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon
  8. ’em. Thy Fates open their hands, let thy blood and spirit
  9. embrace them, and to inure thyself to what thou art like to
  10. be, cast thy humble slough and appear fresh. Be opposite
  11. with a kinsman, surly with servants; let thy tongue tang
  12. arguments of state; put thyself into the trick of
  13. singularity. She thus advises thee that sighs for thee.
  14. Remember who commended thy yellow stockings, and wish’d to
  15. see thee ever cross-garter’d: I say, remember. Go to, thou
  16. art made if thou desir’st to be so; if not, let me see thee
  17. a steward still, the fellow of servants, and not worthy to
  18. touch Fortune’s fingers. Farewell. She that would alter
  19. services with thee,
  20. The Fortunate-Unhappy.”
  21. Daylight and champian discovers not more. This is open. I
  22. will be proud, I will read politic authors, I will baffle
  23. Sir Toby, I will wash off gross acquaintance, I will be
  24. point-devise the very man. I do not now fool myself, to let
  25. imagination jade me; for every reason excites to this, that
  26. my lady loves me. She did commend my yellow stockings of
  27. late, she did praise my leg being cross-garter’d, and in
  28. this she manifests herself to my love, and with a kind of
  29. injunction drives me to these habits of her liking. I thank
  30. my stars, I am happy. I will be strange, stout, in yellow
  31. stockings, and cross-garter’d, even with the swiftness of
  32. putting on. Jove and my stars be prais’d! Here is yet a
  33. postscript.
  34. Reads.
  35. Thou canst not choose but know who I am. If thou
  36. entertain’st my love, let it appear in thy smiling; thy
  37. smiles become thee well. Therefore in my presence still
  38. smile, dear my sweet, I prithee.”
  39. Jove, I thank thee. I will smile, I will do every thing that
  40. thou wilt have me.
  1. Exit.

Fabian

154 - 155
  1. I will not give my part of this sport for a pension of
  2. thousands to be paid from the Sophy.

Sir Toby

156
  1. I could marry this wench for this device

Sir Andrew

157
  1. So could I too.

Sir Toby

158
  1. And ask no other dowry with her but such another jest.
  1. Enter Maria.

Sir Andrew

159
  1. Nor I neither.

Fabian

160
  1. Here comes my noble gull-catcher.

Sir Toby

161
  1. Wilt thou set thy foot o’ my neck?

Sir Andrew

162
  1. Or o’ mine either?

Sir Toby

163 - 164
  1. Shall I play my freedom at tray-trip, and become thy
  2. bond-slave?

Sir Andrew

165
  1. I’ faith, or I either?

Sir Toby

166 - 167
  1. Why, thou hast put him in such a dream, that when the image
  2. of it leaves him he must run mad.

Maria

168
  1. Nay, but say true, does it work upon him?

Sir Toby

169
  1. Like aqua-vitae with a midwife.

Maria

170 - 176
  1. If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark his first
  2. approach before my lady. He will come to her in yellow
  3. stockings, and ’tis a color she abhors, and cross-garter’d,
  4. a fashion she detests; and he will smile upon her, which
  5. will now be so unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted
  6. to a melancholy as she is, that it cannot but turn him into
  7. a notable contempt. If you will see it, follow me.

Sir Toby

177
  1. To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit!

Sir Andrew

178
  1. I’ll make one too.
  1. Exeunt.
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