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Twelfth Night: Act II, Scene 3

Twelfth Night
Act II, Scene 3

A room in Olivia’s house.

  1. Enter Sir Toby and Sir Andrew.

Sir Toby

1 - 2
  1. Approach, Sir Andrew. Not to be a-bed after midnight is to
  2. be up betimes, and deliculo surgere,” thou know’st

Sir Andrew

3 - 4
  1. Nay, by my troth, I know not; but I know, to be up late is
  2. to be up late.

Sir Toby

5 - 8
  1. A false conclusion. I hate it as an unfill’d can. To be up
  2. after midnight and to go to bed then, is early; so that to
  3. go to bed after midnight is to go to bed betimes. Does not
  4. our lives consist of the four elements?

Sir Andrew

9 - 10
  1. Faith, so they say, but I think it rather consists of eating
  2. and drinking.

Sir Toby

11 - 12
  1. Th’ art a scholar; let us therefore eat and drink. Marian, I
  2. say, a stoup of wine!
  1. Enter Clown.

Sir Andrew

13
  1. Here comes the fool, i’ faith.

Feste

14 - 15
  1. How now, my hearts? Did you never see the picture of we
  2. three”?

Sir Toby

16
  1. Welcome, ass. Now let’s have a catch.

Sir Andrew

17 - 23
  1. By my troth, the fool has an excellent breast. I had rather
  2. than forty shillings I had such a leg, and so sweet a breath
  3. to sing, as the fool has. In sooth, thou wast in very
  4. gracious fooling last night, when thou spok’st of
  5. Pigrogromitus, of the Vapians passing the equinoctial of
  6. Queubus. ’Twas very good, i’ faith. I sent thee sixpence for
  7. thy leman; hadst it?

Feste

24 - 26
  1. I did impeticos thy gratillity; for Malvolio’s nose is no
  2. whipstock. My lady has a white hand, and the Mermidons are
  3. no bottle-ale houses.

Sir Andrew

27 - 28
  1. Excellent! Why, this is the best fooling, when all is done.
  2. Now a song.

Sir Toby

29
  1. Come on, there is sixpence for you. Let’s have a song.

Sir Andrew

30
  1. There’s a testril of me too. If one knight give a

Feste

31
  1. Would you have a love-song, or a song of good life?

Sir Toby

32
  1. A love-song, a love-song.

Sir Andrew

33
  1. Ay, ay. I care not for good life.

Feste

34 - 39
  1. Sings.
  2. O mistress mine, where are you roaming?
  3. O, stay and hear, your true-love’s coming,
  4. That can sing both high and low.
  5. Trip no further, pretty sweeting;
  6. Journeys end in lovers meeting,
  7. Every wise man’s son doth know.

Sir Andrew

40
  1. Excellent good, i’ faith.

Sir Toby

41
  1. Good, good.

Feste

42 - 47
  1. Sings.
  2. What is love? ’Tis not hereafter;
  3. Present mirth hath present laughter;
  4. What’s to come is still unsure.
  5. In delay there lies no plenty,
  6. Then come kiss me sweet and twenty;
  7. Youth’s a stuff will not endure.

Sir Andrew

48
  1. A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.

Sir Toby

49
  1. A contagious breath.

Sir Andrew

50
  1. Very sweet and contagious, i’ faith.

Sir Toby

51 - 54
  1. To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion. But shall we
  2. make the welkin dance indeed? Shall we rouse the night-owl
  3. in a catch that will draw three souls out of one weaver?
  4. Shall we do that?

Sir Andrew

55
  1. And you love me, let’s do’t. I am dog at a catch.

Feste

56
  1. By’r lady, sir, and some dogs will catch well.

Sir Andrew

57
  1. Most certain. Let our catch be Thou knave.”

Feste

58 - 59
  1. Hold thy peace, thou knave,” knight? I shall be constrain’d
  2. in’t to call thee knave, knight.

Sir Andrew

60 - 61
  1. ’Tis not the first time I have constrain’d one to call me
  2. knave. Begin, fool. It begins, Hold thy peace.”

Feste

62
  1. I shall never begin if I hold my peace.

Sir Andrew

63
  1. Good, i’ faith. Come, begin.
  1. Catch sung.
  1. Enter Maria.

Maria

64 - 66
  1. What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady have not
  2. call’d up her steward Malvolio and bid him turn you out of
  3. doors, never trust me.

Sir Toby

67 - 72
  1. My lady’s a Cataian, we are politicians, Malvolio’s a
  2. Peg-a-Ramsey, and
  3. Sings.
  4. Three merry men be we.”
  5. Am not I consanguineous? Am I not of her blood? Tilly-vally!
  6. Lady!
  7. Sings.
  8. There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady.”

Feste

73
  1. Beshrew me, the knight’s in admirable fooling.

Sir Andrew

74 - 75
  1. Ay, he does well enough if he be dispos’d, and so do I too.
  2. He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.

Sir Toby

76
  1. Sings.
  2. O’ the twelfth day of December”—

Maria

77
  1. For the love o’ God, peace!
  1. Enter Malvolio.

Malvolio

78 - 83
  1. My masters, are you mad? Or what are you? Have you no wit,
  2. manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like tinkers at this
  3. time of night? Do ye make an alehouse of my lady’s house,
  4. that ye squeak out your coziers’ catches without any
  5. mitigation or remorse of voice? Is there no respect of
  6. place, persons, nor time in you?

Sir Toby

84
  1. We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up!

Malvolio

85 - 90
  1. Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me tell
  2. you, that though she harbors you as her kinsman, she’s
  3. nothing allied to your disorders. If you can separate
  4. yourself and your misdemeanors, you are welcome to the
  5. house; if not, and it would please you to take leave of her,
  6. she is very willing to bid you farewell.

Sir Toby

91
  1. Sings.
  2. Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.”

Maria

92
  1. Nay, good Sir Toby.

Feste

93
  1. Sings.
  2. His eyes do show his days are almost done.”

Malvolio

94
  1. Is’t even so?

Sir Toby

95
  1. Sings.
  2. But I will never die.”

Feste

96
  1. Sir Toby, there you lie.

Malvolio

97
  1. This is much credit to you.

Sir Toby

98
  1. Sings.
  2. Shall I bid him go?”

Feste

99
  1. Sings.
  2. What and if you do?”

Sir Toby

100
  1. Sings.
  2. Shall I bid him go, and spare not?”

Feste

101
  1. Sings.
  2. O no, no, no, no, you dare not.”

Sir Toby

102 - 104
  1. To Clown.
  2. Out o’ tune, sir! Ye lie.
  3. To Malvolio.
  4. Art any more than a steward? Dost thou think because thou
  5. art virtuous there shall be no more cakes and ale?

Feste

105 - 106
  1. Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot i’ th’ mouth
  2. too.

Sir Toby

107 - 108
  1. Th’ art i’ th’ right. Go, sir, rub your chain with crumbs. A
  2. stope of wine, Maria!

Malvolio

109 - 111
  1. Mistress Mary, if you priz’d my lady’s favor at any thing
  2. more than contempt, you would not give means for this
  3. uncivil rule. She shall know of it, by this hand.
  1. Exit.

Maria

112
  1. Go shake your ears.

Sir Andrew

113 - 115
  1. ’Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man’s a-hungry, to
  2. challenge him the field, and then to break promise with him,
  3. and make a fool of him.

Sir Toby

116 - 117
  1. Do’t, knight. I’ll write thee a challenge, or I’ll deliver
  2. thy indignation to him by word of mouth.

Maria

118 - 123
  1. Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight. Since the youth of
  2. the Count’s was today with my lady, she is much out of
  3. quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me alone with him. If I do
  4. not gull him into an ayword, and make him a common
  5. recreation, do not think I have wit enough to lie straight
  6. in my bed. I know I can do it.

Sir Toby

124
  1. Possess us, possess us, tell us something of him.

Maria

125
  1. Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.

Sir Andrew

126
  1. O, if I thought that, I’d beat him like a dog!

Sir Toby

127 - 128
  1. What, for being a puritan? Thy exquisite reason, dear
  2. knight?

Sir Andrew

129 - 130
  1. I have no exquisite reason for’t, but I have reason good
  2. enough.

Maria

131 - 137
  1. The dev’l a puritan that he is, or any thing constantly but
  2. a time-pleaser, an affection’d ass, that cons state without
  3. book, and utters it by great swarths; the best persuaded of
  4. himself, so cramm’d (as he thinks) with excellencies, that
  5. it is his grounds of faith that all that look on him love
  6. him; and on that vice in him will my revenge find notable
  7. cause to work.

Sir Toby

138
  1. What wilt thou do?

Maria

139 - 144
  1. I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of love,
  2. wherein by the color of his beard, the shape of his leg, the
  3. manner of his gait, the expressure of his eye, forehead, and
  4. complexion, he shall find himself most feelingly personated.
  5. I can write very like my lady your niece; on a forgotten
  6. matter we can hardly make distinction of our hands.

Sir Toby

145
  1. Excellent, I smell a device.

Sir Andrew

146
  1. I have’t in my nose too.

Sir Toby

147 - 148
  1. He shall think by the letters that thou wilt drop that they
  2. come from my niece, and that she’s in love with him.

Maria

149
  1. My purpose is indeed a horse of that color.

Sir Andrew

150
  1. And your horse now would make him an ass.

Maria

151
  1. Ass, I doubt not.

Sir Andrew

152
  1. O, ’twill be admirable!

Maria

153 - 157
  1. Sport royal, I warrant you. I know my physic will work with
  2. him. I will plant you two, and let the fool make a third,
  3. where he shall find the letter; observe his construction of
  4. it. For this night, to bed, and dream on the event.
  5. Farewell.
  1. Exit.

Sir Toby

158
  1. Good night, Penthesilea.

Sir Andrew

159
  1. Before me, she’s a good wench.

Sir Toby

160 - 161
  1. She’s a beagle true-bred, and one that adores me. What o’
  2. that?

Sir Andrew

162
  1. I was ador’d once too.

Sir Toby

163
  1. Let’s to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for more money.

Sir Andrew

164
  1. If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.

Sir Toby

165 - 166
  1. Send for money, knight; if thou hast her not i’ th’ end,
  2. call me cut.

Sir Andrew

167
  1. If I do not, never trust me, take it how you will.

Sir Toby

168 - 169
  1. Come, come, I’ll go burn some sack, ’tis too late to go to
  2. bed now. Come, knight, come, knight.
  1. Exeunt.
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