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Twelfth Night: Act I, Scene 5

Twelfth Night
Act I, Scene 5

A room in Olivia’s house.

  1. Enter Maria and Clown Feste.

Maria

1 - 3
  1. Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open
  2. my lips so wide as a bristle may enter, in way of thy
  3. excuse. My lady will hang thee for thy absence.

Feste

4 - 5
  1. Let her hang me! He that is well hang’d in this world needs
  2. to fear no colors.

Maria

6
  1. Make that good.

Feste

7
  1. He shall see none to fear.

Maria

8 - 9
  1. A good lenten answer. I can tell thee where that saying was
  2. born, of I fear no colors.”

Feste

10
  1. Where, good Mistress Mary?

Maria

11 - 12
  1. In the wars, and that may you be bold to say in your
  2. foolery.

Feste

13 - 14
  1. Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those that are
  2. fools, let them use their talents.

Maria

15 - 16
  1. Yet you will be hang’d for being so long absent, or to be
  2. turn’d awayis not that as good as a hanging to you?

Feste

17 - 18
  1. Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and for turning
  2. away, let summer bear it out.

Maria

19
  1. You are resolute then?

Feste

20
  1. Not so, neither, but I am resolv’d on two points

Maria

21 - 22
  1. That if one break, the other will hold; or if both break,
  2. your gaskins fall.

Feste

23 - 25
  1. Apt, in good faith, very apt. Well, go thy way, if Sir Toby
  2. would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve’s
  3. flesh as any in Illyria.

Maria

26 - 27
  1. Peace, you rogue, no more o’ that. Here comes my lady. Make
  2. your excuse wisely, you were best.
  1. Exit.
  1. Enter Lady Olivia with Malvolio and Attendants.

Feste

28 - 32
  1. Wit, and’t be thy will, put me into good fooling! Those wits
  2. that think they have thee do very oft prove fools; and I
  3. that am sure I lack thee, may pass for a wise man. For what
  4. says Quinapalus? Better a witty fool than a foolish
  5. wit.”—God bless thee, lady!

Olivia

33
  1. Take the fool away.

Feste

34
  1. Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.

Olivia

35 - 36
  1. Go to, y’ are a dry fool; I’ll no more of you. Besides, you
  2. grow dishonest.

Feste

37 - 46
  1. Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend;
  2. for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry; bid
  3. the dishonest man mend himself: if he mend, he is no longer
  4. dishonest; if he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing
  5. that’s mended is but patch’d; virtue that transgresses is
  6. but patch’d with sin, and sin that amends is but patch’d
  7. with virtue. If that this simple syllogism will serve, so;
  8. if it will not, what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but
  9. calamity, so beauty’s a flower. The lady bade take away the
  10. fool, therefore I say again, take her away.

Olivia

47
  1. Sir, I bade them take away you.

Feste

48 - 50
  1. Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, Cucullus non facit
  2. monachum: that’s as much to say as I wear not motley in my
  3. brain. Good madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool.

Olivia

51
  1. Can you do it?

Feste

52
  1. Dexteriously, good madonna.

Olivia

53
  1. Make your proof.

Feste

54 - 55
  1. I must catechize you for it, madonna. Good my mouse of
  2. virtue, answer me.

Olivia

56
  1. Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I’ll bide your proof.

Feste

57
  1. Good madonna, why mourn’st thou?

Olivia

58
  1. Good fool, for my brother’s death.

Feste

59
  1. I think his soul is in hell, madonna.

Olivia

60
  1. I know his soul is in heaven, fool.

Feste

61 - 62
  1. The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother’s soul,
  2. being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.

Olivia

63
  1. What think you of this fool, Malvolio? Doth he not mend?

Malvolio

64 - 66
  1. Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him.
  2. Infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the better
  3. fool.

Feste

67 - 70
  1. God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better
  2. increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no
  3. fox, but he will not pass his word for twopence that you are
  4. no fool.

Olivia

71
  1. How say you to that, Malvolio?

Malvolio

72 - 78
  1. I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren
  2. rascal. I saw him put down the other day with an ordinary
  3. fool that has no more brain than a stone. Look you now, he’s
  4. out of his guard already. Unless you laugh and minister
  5. occasion to him, he is gagg’d. I protest I take these wise
  6. men that crow so at these set kind of fools no better than
  7. the fools’ zanies.

Olivia

79 - 84
  1. O, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste with a
  2. distemper’d appetite. To be generous, guiltless, and of free
  3. disposition, is to take those things for bird-bolts that you
  4. deem cannon-bullets. There is no slander in an allow’d fool,
  5. though he do nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known
  6. discreet man, though he do nothing but reprove.

Feste

85 - 86
  1. Now Mercury indue thee with leasing, for thou speak’st well
  2. of fools!
  1. Enter Maria.

Maria

87 - 88
  1. Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires
  2. to speak with you.

Olivia

89
  1. From the Count Orsino, is it?

Maria

90
  1. I know not, madam. ’Tis a fair young man, and well attended.

Olivia

91
  1. Who of my people hold him in delay?

Maria

92
  1. Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.

Olivia

93 - 98
  1. Fetch him off, I pray you, he speaks nothing but madman; fie
  2. on him!
  3. Exit Maria.
  4. Go you, Malvolio; if it be a suit from the Count, I am sick,
  5. or not at homewhat you will, to dismiss it.
  6. Exit Malvolio.
  7. Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and people
  8. dislike it.

Feste

99 - 102
  1. Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest son should
  2. be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with brains! Forhere he
  3. comes
  4. Enter Sir Toby.
  5. One of thy kin has a most weak pia mater.

Olivia

103
  1. By mine honor, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin?

Sir Toby

104
  1. A gentleman.

Olivia

105
  1. A gentleman? What gentleman?

Sir Toby

106 - 107
  1. ’Tis a gentleman herea plague o’ these pickle-herring! How
  2. now, sot?

Feste

108
  1. Good Sir Toby!

Olivia

109
  1. Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?

Sir Toby

110
  1. Lechery! I defy lechery. There’s one at the gate.

Olivia

111
  1. Ay, marry, what is he?

Sir Toby

112 - 113
  1. Let him be the devil and he will, I care not; give me faith
  2. say I. Well, it’s all one.
  1. Exit.

Olivia

114
  1. What’s a drunken man like, fool?

Feste

115 - 117
  1. Like a drown’d man, a fool, and a madman. One draught above
  2. heat makes him a fool, the second mads him, and a third
  3. drowns him.

Olivia

118 - 120
  1. Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o’ my coz; for
  2. he’s in the third degree of drink, he’s drown’d. Go look
  3. after him.

Feste

121 - 122
  1. He is but mad yet, madonna, and the fool shall look to the
  2. madman.
  1. Exit.
  1. Enter Malvolio.

Malvolio

123 - 128
  1. Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with you. I
  2. told him you were sick; he takes on him to understand so
  3. much, and therefore comes to speak with you. I told him you
  4. were asleep; he seems to have a foreknowledge of that too,
  5. and therefore comes to speak with you. What is to be said to
  6. him, lady? He’s fortified against any denial.

Olivia

129
  1. Tell him he shall not speak with me.

Malvolio

130 - 132
  1. H’as been told so; and he says he’ll stand at your door like
  2. a sheriff’s post, and be the supporter to a bench, but he’ll
  3. speak with you.

Olivia

133
  1. What kind o’ man is he?

Malvolio

134
  1. Why, of mankind.

Olivia

135
  1. What manner of man?

Malvolio

136
  1. Of very ill manner: he’ll speak with you, will you or no.

Olivia

137
  1. Of what personage and years is he?

Malvolio

138 - 143
  1. Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for a boy; as
  2. a squash is before ’tis a peas-cod, or a codling when ’tis
  3. almost an apple. ’Tis with him in standing water, between
  4. boy and man. He is very well-favor’d, and he speaks very
  5. shrewishly. One would think his mother’s milk were scarce
  6. out of him.

Olivia

144
  1. Let him approach. Call in my gentlewoman.

Malvolio

145
  1. Gentlewoman, my lady calls.
  1. Exit.
  1. Enter Maria.

Olivia

146 - 147
  1. Give me my veil; come throw it o’er my face.
  2. We’ll once more hear Orsino’s embassy.
  1. Enter Viola.

Viola

148
  1. The honorable lady of the house, which is she?

Olivia

149
  1. Speak to me, I shall answer for her. Your will?

Viola

150 - 155
  1. Most radiant, exquisite, and unmatchable beautyI pray you
  2. tell me if this be the lady of the house, for I never saw
  3. her. I would be loath to cast away my speech; for besides
  4. that it is excellently well penn’d, I have taken great pains
  5. to con it. Good beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very
  6. comptible, even to the least sinister usage.

Olivia

156
  1. Whence came you, sir?

Viola

157 - 160
  1. I can say little more than I have studied, and that
  2. question’s out of my part. Good gentle one, give me modest
  3. assurance if you be the lady of the house, that I may
  4. proceed in my speech.

Olivia

161
  1. Are you a comedian?

Viola

162 - 164
  1. No, my profound heart; and yet (by the very fangs of malice
  2. I swear) I am not that I play. Are you the lady of the
  3. house?

Olivia

165
  1. If I do not usurp myself, I am.

Viola

166 - 169
  1. Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp yourself; for
  2. what is yours to bestow is not yours to reserve. But this is
  3. from my commission; I will on with my speech in your praise,
  4. and then show you the heart of my message.

Olivia

170
  1. Come to what is important in’t. I forgive you the praise.

Viola

171
  1. Alas, I took great pains to study it, and ’tis poetical.

Olivia

172 - 176
  1. It is the more like to be feign’d, I pray you keep it in. I
  2. heard you were saucy at my gates, and allow’d your approach
  3. rather to wonder at you than to hear you. If you be not mad,
  4. be gone. If you have reason, be brief. ’Tis not that time of
  5. moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue.

Maria

177
  1. Will you hoist sail, sir? Here lies your way.

Viola

178 - 180
  1. No, good swabber, I am to hull here a little longer. Some
  2. mollification for your giant, sweet lady. Tell me your
  3. mindI am a messenger.

Olivia

181 - 182
  1. Sure you have some hideous matter to deliver, when the
  2. courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.

Viola

183 - 185
  1. It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of war, no
  2. taxation of homage; I hold the olive in my hand; my words
  3. are as full of peace as matter.

Olivia

186
  1. Yet you began rudely. What are you? What would you?

Viola

187 - 190
  1. The rudeness that hath appear’d in me have I learn’d from my
  2. entertainment. What I am, and what I would, are as secret as
  3. maidenhead: to your ears, divinity; to any other’s,
  4. profanation.

Olivia

191 - 192
  1. Give us the place alone, we will hear this divinity.
  2. Exeunt Maria and Attendants.
  3. Now, sir, what is your text?

Viola

193
  1. Most sweet lady

Olivia

194 - 195
  1. A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it. Where
  2. lies your text?

Viola

196
  1. In Orsino’s bosom.

Olivia

197
  1. In his bosom? In what chapter of his bosom?

Viola

198
  1. To answer by the method, in the first of his heart.

Olivia

199
  1. O, I have read it; it is heresy. Have you no more to say?

Viola

200
  1. Good madam, let me see your face.

Olivia

201 - 205
  1. Have you any commission from your lord to negotiate with my
  2. face? You are now out of your text; but we will draw the
  3. curtain, and show you the picture. Look you, sir, such a one
  4. I was this present.
  5. Unveiling.
  6. Is’t not well done?

Viola

206
  1. Excellently done, if God did all.

Olivia

207
  1. ’Tis in grain, sir, ’twill endure wind and weather.

Viola

208 - 212
  1. ’Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white
  2. Nature’s own sweet and cunning hand laid on.
  3. Lady, you are the cruell’st she alive
  4. If you will lead these graces to the grave,
  5. And leave the world no copy.

Olivia

213 - 218
  1. O, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted; I will give out
  2. divers schedules of my beauty. It shall be inventoried, and
  3. every particle and utensil labell’d to my will: as, item,
  4. two lips, indifferent red; item, two grey eyes, with lids to
  5. them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were you sent
  6. hither to praise me?

Viola

219 - 223
  1. I see you what you are, you are too proud;
  2. But if you were the devil, you are fair.
  3. My lord and master loves you. O, such love
  4. Could be but recompens’d, though you were crown’d
  5. The nonpareil of beauty.

Olivia

224
  1.                          How does he love me?

Viola

225 - 226
  1. With adorations, fertile tears,
  2. With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.

Olivia

227 - 233
  1. Your lord does know my mind, I cannot love him,
  2. Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble,
  3. Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth;
  4. In voices well divulg’d, free, learn’d, and valiant,
  5. And in dimension, and the shape of nature,
  6. A gracious person. But yet I cannot love him.
  7. He might have took his answer long ago.

Viola

234 - 237
  1. If I did love you in my master’s flame,
  2. With such a suff’ring, such a deadly life,
  3. In your denial I would find no sense,
  4. I would not understand it.

Olivia

238
  1.                            Why, what would you?

Viola

239 - 247
  1. Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
  2. And call upon my soul within the house;
  3. Write loyal cantons of contemned love,
  4. And sing them loud even in the dead of night;
  5. Hallow your name to the reverberate hills,
  6. And make the babbling gossip of the air
  7. Cry out Olivia!” O, you should not rest
  8. Between the elements of air and earth
  9. But you should pity me!

Olivia

248 - 249
  1.                         You might do much.
  2. What is your parentage?

Viola

250 - 251
  1. Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:
  2. I am a gentleman.

Olivia

252 - 256
  1.                   Get you to your lord.
  2. I cannot love him; let him send no more
  3. Unless (perchance) you come to me again
  4. To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well.
  5. I thank you for your pains. Spend this for me.

Viola

257 - 261
  1. I am no fee’d post, lady; keep your purse;
  2. My master, not myself, lacks recompense.
  3. Love make his heart of flint that you shall love,
  4. And let your fervor like my master’s be
  5. Plac’d in contempt! Farewell, fair cruelty.
  1. Exit Viola.

Olivia

262 - 272
  1. What is your parentage?”
  2. Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:
  3. I am a gentleman.” I’ll be sworn thou art;
  4. Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions, and spirit
  5. Do give thee fivefold blazon. Not too fast! Soft, soft!
  6. Unless the master were the man. How now?
  7. Even so quickly may one catch the plague?
  8. Methinks I feel this youth’s perfections
  9. With an invisible and subtle stealth
  10. To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be.
  11. What ho, Malvolio!
  1. Enter Malvolio.

Malvolio

273
  1.                    Here, madam, at your service.

Olivia

274 - 280
  1. Run after that same peevish messenger,
  2. The County’s man. He left this ring behind him,
  3. Would I or not. Tell him I’ll none of it.
  4. Desire him not to flatter with his lord,
  5. Nor hold him up with hopes: I am not for him.
  6. If that the youth will come this way tomorrow,
  7. I’ll give him reasons for’t. Hie thee, Malvolio.

Malvolio

281
  1. Madam, I will.
  1. Exit.

Olivia

282 - 285
  1. I do I know not what, and fear to find
  2. Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind.
  3. Fate, show thy force: ourselves we do not owe;
  4. What is decreed must be; and be this so.
  1. Exit.
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