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Twelfth Night: Act I, Scene 3

Twelfth Night
Act I, Scene 3

A room in Olivia’s house.

  1. Enter Sir Toby Belch and Maria.

Sir Toby

1 - 2
  1. What a plague means my niece to take the death of her
  2. brother thus? I am sure care’s an enemy to life.

Maria

3 - 5
  1. By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier a’ nights.
  2. Your cousin, my lady, takes great exceptions to your ill
  3. hours.

Sir Toby

6
  1. Why, let her except before excepted.

Maria

7 - 8
  1. Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest limits
  2. of order.

Sir Toby

9 - 12
  1. Confine? I’ll confine myself no finer than I am. These
  2. clothes are good enough to drink in, and so be these boots
  3. too; and they be not, let them hang themselves in their own
  4. straps.

Maria

13 - 15
  1. That quaffing and drinking will undo you. I heard my lady
  2. talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish knight that you
  3. brought in one night here to be her wooer.

Sir Toby

16
  1. Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?

Maria

17
  1. Ay, he.

Sir Toby

18
  1. He’s as tall a man as any’s in Illyria.

Maria

19
  1. What’s that to th’ purpose?

Sir Toby

20
  1. Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.

Maria

21 - 22
  1. Ay, but he’ll have but a year in all these ducats. He’s a
  2. very fool and a prodigal.

Sir Toby

23 - 25
  1. Fie, that you’ll say so! He plays o’ th’ viol-de-gamboys,
  2. and speaks three or four languages word for word without
  3. book, and hath all the good gifts of nature.

Maria

26 - 30
  1. He hath indeed, almost natural; for besides that he’s a
  2. fool, he’s a great quarreler; and but that he hath the gift
  3. of a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarreling, ’tis
  4. thought among the prudent he would quickly have the gift of
  5. a grave.

Sir Toby

31 - 32
  1. By this hand, they are scoundrels and sub-stractors that say
  2. so of him. Who are they?

Maria

33
  1. They that add moreov’r, he’s drunk nightly in your company.

Sir Toby

34 - 39
  1. With drinking healths to my niece. I’ll drink to her as long
  2. as there is a passage in my throat, and drink in Illyria.
  3. He’s a coward and a coystrill that will not drink to my
  4. niece till his brains turn o’ th’ toe like a parish-top.
  5. What, wench! Castiliano vulgo! For here comes Sir Andrew
  6. Agueface.
  1. Enter Sir Andrew Aguecheek.

Sir Andrew

40
  1. Sir Toby Belch! How now, Sir Toby Belch?

Sir Toby

41
  1. Sweet Sir Andrew!

Sir Andrew

42
  1. Bless you, fair shrew.

Maria

43
  1. And you too, sir.

Sir Toby

44
  1. Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.

Sir Andrew

45
  1. What’s that?

Sir Toby

46
  1. My niece’s chambermaid.

Sir Andrew

47
  1. Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.

Maria

48
  1. My name is Mary, sir.

Sir Andrew

49
  1. Good Mistress Mary Accost

Sir Toby

50 - 51
  1. You mistake, knight. Accost is front her, board her, woo
  2. her, assail her.

Sir Andrew

52 - 53
  1. By my troth, I would not undertake her in this company. Is
  2. that the meaning of accost”?

Maria

54
  1. Fare you well, gentlemen.

Sir Toby

55 - 56
  1. And thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst never
  2. draw sword again.

Sir Andrew

57 - 58
  1. And you part so, mistress, I would I might never draw sword
  2. again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools in hand?

Maria

59
  1. Sir, I have not you by th’ hand.

Sir Andrew

60
  1. Marry, but you shall haveand here’s my hand.

Maria

61 - 62
  1. Now, sir, thought is free. I pray you bring your hand to th’
  2. butt’ry-bar, and let it drink.

Sir Andrew

63
  1. Wherefore, sweetheart? What’s your metaphor?

Maria

64
  1. It’s dry, sir.

Sir Andrew

65 - 66
  1. Why, I think so. I am not such an ass but I can keep my hand
  2. dry. But what’s your jest?

Maria

67
  1. A dry jest, sir.

Sir Andrew

68
  1. Are you full of them?

Maria

69 - 70
  1. Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers’ ends. Marry, now I let
  2. go your hand, I am barren.
  1. Exit Maria.

Sir Toby

71 - 72
  1. O knight, thou lack’st a cup of canary. When did I see thee
  2. so put down?

Sir Andrew

73 - 76
  1. Never in your life I think, unless you see canary put me
  2. down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian
  3. or an ordinary man has; but I am a great eater of beef, and
  4. I believe that does harm to my wit.

Sir Toby

77
  1. No question.

Sir Andrew

78 - 79
  1. And I thought that, I’d forswear it. I’ll ride home
  2. tomorrow, Sir Toby.

Sir Toby

80
  1. Pourquoi, my dear knight?

Sir Andrew

81 - 83
  1. What is pourquoi? Do, or not do? I would I had bestow’d
  2. that time in the tongues that I have in fencing, dancing,
  3. and bear-baiting. O had I but follow’d the arts!

Sir Toby

84
  1. Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.

Sir Andrew

85
  1. Why, would that have mended my hair?

Sir Toby

86
  1. Past question, for thou seest it will not curl by nature.

Sir Andrew

87
  1. But it becomes me well enough, does’t not?

Sir Toby

88 - 89
  1. Excellent, it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I hope to
  2. see a huswife take thee between her legs, and spin it off.

Sir Andrew

90 - 92
  1. Faith, I’ll home tomorrow, Sir Toby. Your niece will not be
  2. seen, or if she be, it’s four to one she’ll none of me. The
  3. Count himself here hard by woos her.

Sir Toby

93 - 95
  1. She’ll none o’ th’ Count. She’ll not match above her degree,
  2. neither in estate, years, nor wit; I have heard her swear’t.
  3. Tut, there’s life in’t, man.

Sir Andrew

96 - 98
  1. I’ll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o’ th’ strangest
  2. mind i’ th’ world; I delight in masques and revels sometimes
  3. altogether.

Sir Toby

99
  1. Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?

Sir Andrew

100 - 101
  1. As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the degree of
  2. my betters, and yet I will not compare with an old man.

Sir Toby

102
  1. What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?

Sir Andrew

103
  1. Faith, I can cut a caper.

Sir Toby

104
  1. And I can cut the mutton to’t.

Sir Andrew

105 - 106
  1. And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong as any
  2. man in Illyria.

Sir Toby

107 - 115
  1. Wherefore are these things hid? Wherefore have these gifts a
  2. curtain before ’em? Are they like to take dust, like
  3. Mistress Mall’s picture? Why dost thou not go to church in a
  4. galliard, and come home in a coranto? My very walk should be
  5. a jig.
  6. I would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What
  7. dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in? I did
  8. think by the excellent constitution of thy leg, it was
  9. form’d under the star of a galliard.

Sir Andrew

116 - 117
  1. Ay, ’tis strong; and it does indifferent well in a
  2. dun-color’d stock. Shall we set about some revels?

Sir Toby

118
  1. What shall we do else? Were we not born under Taurus?

Sir Andrew

119
  1. Taurus? That’s sides and heart.

Sir Toby

120 - 121
  1. No, sir, it is legs and thighs. Let me see thee caper. Ha,
  2. higher! Ha, ha, excellent!
  1. Exeunt.
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