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Troilus and Cressida: Act V, Scene 1

Troilus and Cressida
Act V, Scene 1

Scene 1

The Grecian camp. Before Achilles’ tent.

  1. Enter Achilles and Patroclus.

Achilles

1 - 3
  1. I’ll heat his blood with Greekish wine tonight,
  2. Which with my scimitar I’ll cool tomorrow.
  3. Patroclus, let us feast him to the height.

Patroclus

4
  1. Here comes Thersites.
  1. Enter Thersites.

Achilles

5 - 6
  1.                       How now, thou core of envy?
  2. Thou crusty batch of nature, what’s the news?

Thersites

7 - 8
  1. Why, thou picture of what thou seemest, and idol of
  2. idiot-worshippers, here’s a letter for thee.

Achilles

9
  1. From whence, fragment?

Thersites

10
  1. Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy.

Patroclus

11
  1. Who keeps the tent now?

Thersites

12
  1. The surgeon’s box, or the patient’s wound.

Patroclus

13
  1. Well said, adversity! And what needs these tricks?

Thersites

14 - 15
  1. Prithee be silent, boy, I profit not by thy talk. Thou art
  2. said to be Achilles’ male varlot.

Patroclus

16
  1. Male varlot, you rogue! What’s that?

Thersites

17 - 23
  1. Why, his masculine whore. Now the rotten diseases of the
  2. south, the guts-griping, ruptures, catarrhs, loads a’ gravel
  3. in the back, lethargies, cold palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten
  4. livers, whissing lungs, bladders full of imposthume,
  5. sciaticas, lime-kills i’ th’ palm, incurable bone-ache, and
  6. the rivell’d fee-simple of the tetter, take and take again
  7. such preposterous discoveries!

Patroclus

24 - 25
  1. Why, thou damnable box of envy, thou, what means thou to
  2. curse thus?

Thersites

26
  1. Do I curse thee?

Patroclus

27 - 28
  1. Why, no, you ruinous butt, you whoreson indistinguishable
  2. cur, no.

Thersites

29 - 33
  1. No? Why art thou then exasperate, thou idle immaterial skein
  2. of sleave-silk, thou green sarcenet flap for a sore eye,
  3. thou tossel of a prodigal’s purse, thou? Ah, how the poor
  4. world is pest’red with such water-flies, diminutives of
  5. nature!

Patroclus

34
  1. Out, gall!

Thersites

35
  1. Finch-egg!

Achilles

36 - 46
  1. My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite
  2. From my great purpose in tomorrow’s battle.
  3. Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba,
  4. A token from her daughter, my fair love,
  5. Both taxing me and gaging me to keep
  6. An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it.
  7. Fall Greeks, fail fame, honor or go or stay,
  8. My major vow lies here; this I’ll obey.
  9. Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent;
  10. This night in banqueting must all be spent.
  11. Away, Patroclus!
  1. Exeunt Achilles and Patroclus.

Thersites

47 - 63
  1. With too much blood and too little brain, these two may run
  2. mad, but, if with too much brain and too little blood they
  3. do, I’ll be a curer of madmen. Here’s Agamemnon, an honest
  4. fellow enough, and one that loves quails, but he has not so
  5. much brain as ear-wax; and the goodly transformation of
  6. Jupiter there, his brother, the bull, the primitive statue
  7. and oblique memorial of cuckolds, a thrifty shoeing-horn in
  8. a chain, hanging at his brother’s legto what form but that
  9. he is, should wit larded with malice, and malice fac’d with
  10. wit, turn him to? To an ass, were nothing, he is both ass
  11. and ox; to an ox, were nothing, he is both ox and ass. To be
  12. a dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchook, a toad, a lizard, an owl,
  13. a puttock, or a herring without a roe, I would not care; but
  14. to be Menelaus, I would conspire against destiny. Ask me not
  15. what I would be if I were not Thersites, for I care not to
  16. be the louse of a lazar, so I were not Menelaus. Hey-day!
  17. Sprites and fires!
  1. Enter Agamemnon, Hector, Troilus, Ajax, Ulysses, Nestor,
  2. Menelaus, and Diomedes, with lights.

Agamemnon

64
  1. We go wrong, we go wrong.

Ajax

65 - 66
  1.                           No, yonder ’tis,
  2. There where we see the lights.

Hector

67
  1.                                I trouble you.

Ajax

68
  1. No, not a whit.
  1. Enter Achilles.

Ulysses

69
  1.                 Here comes himself to guide you.

Achilles

70
  1. Welcome, brave Hector, welcome, princes all.

Agamemnon

71 - 72
  1. So now, fair Prince of Troy, I bid good night.
  2. Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.

Hector

73
  1. Thanks and good night to the Greeks’ general.

Menelaus

74
  1. Good night, my lord.

Hector

75
  1.                      Good night, sweet Lord Menelaus.

Thersites

76
  1. Sweet draught! Sweet,” quoth ’a! Sweet sink, sweet sewer.

Achilles

77 - 78
  1. Good night and welcome, both at once, to those
  2. That go or tarry.

Agamemnon

79
  1. Good night.
  1. Exeunt Agamemnon, Menelaus.

Achilles

80 - 81
  1. Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed,
  2. Keep Hector company an hour or two.

Diomedes

82 - 83
  1. I cannot, lord, I have important business,
  2. The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector.

Hector

84
  1. Give me your hand.

Ulysses

85 - 86
  1. Aside to Troilus
  2. Follow his torch, he goes to Calchas’ tent.
  3. I’ll keep you company.

Troilus

87
  1.                        Sweet sir, you honor me.

Hector

88
  1. And so good night.
  1. Exit Diomedes, Ulysses and Troilus following.

Achilles

89
  1.                    Come, come, enter my tent.
  1. Exeunt Achilles, Hector, Ajax, and Nestor.

Thersites

90 - 99
  1. That same Diomed’s a false-hearted rogue, a most unjust
  2. knave. I will no more trust him when he leers than I will a
  3. serpent when he hisses. He will spend his mouth and promise,
  4. like Brabbler the hound, but when he performs, astronomers
  5. foretell it: it is prodigious, there will come some change;
  6. the sun borrows of the moon when Diomed keeps his word. I
  7. will rather leave to see Hector than not to dog him. They
  8. say he keeps a Troyan drab, and uses the traitor Calchas’
  9. tent. I’ll afternothing but lechery! All incontinent
  10. varlots!
  1. Exit.
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