Troilus and Cressida
Act II, Scene 1
A part of the Grecian camp.
- Enter Ajax and Thersites.
Ajax
1- Thersites!
Thersites
2- Agamemnon, how if he had biles—full, all over, generally?
Ajax
3- Thersites!
Thersites
4 - 5- And those biles did run—say so—did not the general run then?
- Were not that a botchy core?
Ajax
6- Dog!
Thersites
7- Then would come some matter from him; I see none now.
Ajax
8- Thou bitch-wolf’s son, canst thou not hear? Feel then.
- Strikes him.
Thersites
9 - 10- The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel beef-witted
- lord!
Ajax
11 - 12- Speak then, thou whinid’st leaven, speak; I will beat thee
- into handsomeness.
Thersites
13 - 16- I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness, but I think
- thy horse will sooner con an oration without book than thou
- learn a prayer without book. Thou canst strike, canst thou?
- A red murrain a’ thy jade’s tricks!
Ajax
17- Toadstool! Learn me the proclamation.
Thersites
18- Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus?
Ajax
19- The proclamation!
Thersites
20- Thou art proclaim’d fool, I think.
Ajax
21- Do not, porpentine, do not, my fingers itch.
Thersites
22 - 25- I would thou didst itch from head to foot; and I had the
- scratching of thee, I would make thee the loathsomest scab
- in Greece. When thou art forth in the incursions, thou
- strikest as slow as another.
Ajax
26- I say, the proclamation!
Thersites
27 - 29- Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles, and thou
- art as full of envy at his greatness as Cerberus is at
- Proserpina’s beauty, ay, that thou bark’st at him.
Ajax
30- Mistress Thersites!
Thersites
31- Thou shouldst strike him.
Ajax
32- Cobloaf!
Thersites
33 - 34- He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a sailor
- breaks a biscuit.
Ajax
35- Beating him.
- You whoreson cur!
Thersites
36 - 42- Do! Do! Thou stool for a witch! Ay, do! Do! Thou
- sodden-witted lord! Thou hast no more brain than I have in
- mine elbows, an asinico may tutor thee. You scurvy valiant
- ass! Thou art here but to thrash Troyans, and thou art
- bought and sold among those of any wit, like a barbarian
- slave. If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel, and
- tell what thou art by inches, thou thing of no bowels, thou!
Ajax
43- You dog!
Thersites
44- You scurvy lord!
Ajax
45- Beating him.
- You cur!
Thersites
46- Mars his idiot! Do, rudeness, do, camel, do, do.
- Enter Achilles and Patroclus.
Achilles
47 - 48- Why, how now, Ajax, wherefore do ye thus?
- How now, Thersites, what’s the matter, man?
Thersites
49- You see him there? Do you?
Achilles
50- Ay, what’s the matter?
Thersites
51- Nay, look upon him.
Achilles
52- So I do. What’s the matter?
Thersites
53- Nay, but regard him well.
Achilles
54- Well? Why, so I do.
Thersites
55 - 56- But yet you look not well upon him, for whosomever you take
- him to be, he is Ajax.
Achilles
57- I know that, fool.
Thersites
58- Ay, but that fool knows not himself.
Ajax
59- Therefore I beat thee.
Thersites
60 - 65- Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! His evasions
- have ears thus long. I have bobb’d his brain more than he
- has beat my bones. I will buy nine sparrows for a penny, and
- his pia mater is not worth the ninth part of a sparrow. This
- lord, Achilles, Ajax, who wears his wit in his belly and his
- guts in his head, I’ll tell you what I say of him.
Byam Shaw, 1901
Achilles
66- What?
Thersites
67- I say, this Ajax—
- Ajax offers to strike him.
Achilles
68- Nay, good Ajax.
Thersites
69- Has not so much wit—
Achilles
70- Nay, I must hold you.
Thersites
71 - 72- As will stop the eye of Helen’s needle, for whom he comes to
- fight.
Achilles
73- Peace, fool!
Thersites
74 - 75- I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will not—he
- there, that he! Look you there.
Ajax
76- O thou damn’d cur! I shall—
Achilles
77- Will you set your wit to a fool’s?
Thersites
78- No, I warrant you, the fool’s will shame it.
Patroclus
79- Good words, Thersites.
Achilles
80- What’s the quarrel?
Ajax
81 - 82- I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of the
- proclamation, and he rails upon me.
Thersites
83- I serve thee not.
Ajax
84- Well, go to, go to.
Thersites
85- I serve here voluntary.
Achilles
86 - 88- Your last service was suff’rance, ’twas not voluntary; no
- man is beaten voluntary. Ajax was here the voluntary, and
- you as under an impress.
Thersites
89 - 92- E’en so; a great deal of your wit, too, lies in your sinews,
- or else there be liars. Hector shall have a great catch, and
- ’a knock out either of your brains; ’a were as good crack a
- fusty nut with no kernel.
Achilles
93- What, with me too, Thersites?
Thersites
94 - 96- There’s Ulysses and old Nestor, whose wit was moldy ere your
- grandsires had nails on their toes, yoke you like
- draught-oxen, and make you plough up the wars.
Achilles
97- What? What?
Thersites
98- Yes, good sooth. To, Achilles! To, Ajax! To—
Ajax
99- I shall cut out your tongue.
Thersites
100- ’Tis no matter, I shall speak as much as thou afterwards.
Patroclus
101- No more words, Thersites, peace!
Thersites
102- I will hold my peace when Achilles’ brach bids me, shall I?
Achilles
103- There’s for you, Patroclus.
Thersites
104 - 106- I will see you hang’d like clatpoles ere I come any more to
- your tents. I will keep where there is wit stirring, and
- leave the faction of fools.
- Exit.
Patroclus
107- A good riddance.
Achilles
108 - 113- Marry, this, sir, is proclaim’d through all our host:
- That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun,
- Will with a trumpet ’twixt our tents and Troy
- Tomorrow morning call some knight to arms
- That hath a stomach, and such a one that dare
- Maintain—I know not what, ’tis trash. Farewell.
Ajax
114- Farewell. Who shall answer him?
Achilles
115 - 116- I know not, ’tis put to lott’ry. Otherwise,
- He knew his man.
Ajax
117- O, meaning you? I will go learn more of it.
- Exeunt.