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Twelfth Night: Act 4, Scene 2

Twelfth Night
Act 4, Scene 2

A room in Olivia’s house.

  1. Enter Maria and Clown.

Maria

2 - 4
  1. Nay, I prithee put on this gown and this beard, make him
  2. believe thou art Sir Topas the curate, do it quickly. I’ll
  3. call Sir Toby the whilst.
  1. Exit.

Feste

6 - 11
  1. Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in’t, and
  2. I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a
  3. gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor
  4. lean enough to be thought a good student; but to be said an
  5. honest man and a good house-keeper goes as fairly as to say
  6. a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.
  1. Enter Toby and Maria.

Sir Toby

13
  1. Jove bless thee, Master Parson.

Feste

14 - 18
  1. Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for as the old hermit of Prague, that
  2. never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King
  3. Gorboduc, That that is is”; so I, being Master Parson, am
  4. Master Parson; for what is that but that,” and is but
  5. is”?

Sir Toby

19
  1. To him, Sir Topas.

Feste

20
  1. What ho, I say! Peace in this prison!

Sir Toby

21
  1. The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.

Malvolio

22 - 23
  1. Within.
  2. Who calls there?

Feste

24 - 25
  1. Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the
  2. lunatic.

Malvolio

26
  1. Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

Feste

27 - 28
  1. Out, hyperbolical fiend! How vexest thou this man! Talkest
  2. thou nothing but of ladies?

Sir Toby

29
  1. Well said, Master Parson.

Malvolio

30 - 32
  1. Sir Topas, never was man thus wrong’d. Good Sir Topas, do
  2. not think I am mad; they have laid me here in hideous
  3. darkness.

Feste

33 - 35
  1. Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest
  2. terms, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the
  3. devil himself with courtesy. Say’st thou that house is dark?

Malvolio

36
  1. As hell, Sir Topas.

Feste

37 - 39
  1. Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the
  2. clerestories toward the south north are as lustrous as
  3. ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction?

Malvolio

40
  1. I am not mad, Sir Topas, I say to you this house is dark.

Feste

41 - 43
  1. Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but
  2. ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians
  3. in their fog.

Malvolio

44 - 47
  1. I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance
  2. were as dark as hell; and I say there was never man thus
  3. abus’d. I am no more mad than you are; make the trial of it
  4. in any constant question.

Feste

48
  1. What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild-fowl?

Malvolio

49
  1. That the soul of our grandam might happily inhabit a bird.

Feste

50
  1. What think’st thou of his opinion?

Malvolio

51
  1. I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

Feste

52 - 55
  1. Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness. Thou shalt
  2. hold th’ opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits,
  3. and fear to kill a woodcock lest thou dispossess the soul of
  4. thy grandam. Fare thee well.

Malvolio

56
  1. Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

Sir Toby

57
  1. My most exquisite Sir Topas!

Feste

58
  1. Nay, I am for all waters.

Maria

59 - 60
  1. Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown, he
  2. sees thee not.

Sir Toby

61 - 66
  1. To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou
  2. find’st him. I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he
  3. may be conveniently deliver’d, I would he were, for I am now
  4. so far in offense with my niece that I cannot pursue with
  5. any safety this sport t’ the upshot. Come by and by to my
  6. chamber.
  1. Exit with Maria.

Feste

68 - 70
  1. Sings.
  2. Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
  3. Tell me how thy lady does.”

Malvolio

71
  1. Fool!

Feste

72
  1. My lady is unkind, perdie.”

Malvolio

73
  1. Fool!

Feste

74
  1. Alas, why is she so?”

Malvolio

75
  1. Fool, I say!

Feste

76 - 77
  1. She loves another”—
  2. Who calls, ha?

Malvolio

78 - 80
  1. Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help
  2. me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper. As I am a
  3. gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for’t.

Feste

81
  1. Master Malvolio?

Malvolio

82
  1. Ay, good fool.

Feste

83
  1. Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

Malvolio

84 - 85
  1. Fool, there was never man so notoriously abus’d; I am as
  2. well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

Feste

86 - 87
  1. But as well! Then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in
  2. your wits than a fool.

Malvolio

88 - 90
  1. They have here propertied me, keep me in darkness, send
  2. ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out
  3. of my wits.

Feste

91 - 93
  1. Advise you what you say; the minister is here.—Malvolio,
  2. Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! Endeavor thyself to
  3. sleep, and leave thy vain bibble babble.

Malvolio

94
  1. Sir Topas!

Feste

95 - 97
  1. Maintain no words with him, good fellow.—Who, I, sir? Not I,
  2. sir. God buy you, good Sir Topas.—Marry, amen.—I will, sir,
  3. I will.

Malvolio

98
  1. Fool, fool, fool, I say!

Feste

99 - 100
  1. Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for
  2. speaking to you.

Malvolio

101 - 102
  1. Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I tell thee
  2. I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

Feste

103
  1. Well-a-day that you were, sir!

Malvolio

104 - 106
  1. By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and light;
  2. and convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall
  3. advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.

Feste

107 - 108
  1. I will help you to’t. But tell me true, are you not mad
  2. indeed, or do you but counterfeit?

Malvolio

109
  1. Believe me I am not, I tell thee true.

Feste

110 - 111
  1. Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his brains. I
  2. will fetch you light and paper and ink.

Malvolio

112 - 113
  1. Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree. I prithee be
  2. gone.

Feste

114 - 126
  1. Sings.
  2. I am gone, sir,
  3. And anon, sir,
  4. I’ll be with you again;
  5. In a trice,
  6. Like to the old Vice,
  7. Your need to sustain;
  8. Who with dagger of lath,
  9. In his rage and his wrath,
  10. Cries, ah, ha! To the devil;
  11. Like a mad lad,
  12. Pare thy nails, dad.
  13. Adieu, goodman devil.
  1. Exit.
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