Act 1, Scene 3
A room in Olivia’s house.
- Enter Sir Toby Belch and Maria.
Sir Toby2 - 3
- What a plague means my niece to take the death of her
- brother thus? I am sure care’s an enemy to life.
Maria4 - 6
- By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier a’ nights.
- Your cousin, my lady, takes great exceptions to your ill
- Why, let her except before excepted.
Maria8 - 9
- Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest limits
- of order.
Sir Toby10 - 13
- Confine? I’ll confine myself no finer than I am. These
- clothes are good enough to drink in, and so be these boots
- too; and they be not, let them hang themselves in their own
Maria14 - 16
- That quaffing and drinking will undo you. I heard my lady
- talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish knight that you
- brought in one night here to be her wooer.
- Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?
- Ay, he.
- He’s as tall a man as any’s in Illyria.
- What’s that to th’ purpose?
- Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.
Maria22 - 23
- Ay, but he’ll have but a year in all these ducats. He’s a
- very fool and a prodigal.
Sir Toby24 - 26
- Fie, that you’ll say so! He plays o’ th’ viol-de-gamboys,
- and speaks three or four languages word for word without
- book, and hath all the good gifts of nature.
Maria27 - 31
- He hath indeed, almost natural; for besides that he’s a
- fool, he’s a great quarreler; and but that he hath the gift
- of a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarreling, ’tis
- thought among the prudent he would quickly have the gift of
- a grave.
Sir Toby32 - 33
- By this hand, they are scoundrels and sub-stractors that say
- so of him. Who are they?
- They that add moreov’r, he’s drunk nightly in your company.
Sir Toby35 - 40
- With drinking healths to my niece. I’ll drink to her as long
- as there is a passage in my throat, and drink in Illyria.
- He’s a coward and a coystrill that will not drink to my
- niece till his brains turn o’ th’ toe like a parish-top.
- What, wench! Castiliano vulgo! For here comes Sir Andrew
- Enter Sir Andrew Aguecheek.
- Sir Toby Belch! How now, Sir Toby Belch?
- Sweet Sir Andrew!
- Bless you, fair shrew.
- And you too, sir.
- Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.
- What’s that?
- My niece’s chambermaid.
- Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.
- My name is Mary, sir.
- Good Mistress Mary Accost—
Sir Toby52 - 53
- You mistake, knight. “Accost” is front her, board her, woo
- her, assail her.
Sir Andrew54 - 55
- By my troth, I would not undertake her in this company. Is
- that the meaning of “accost”?
- Fare you well, gentlemen.
Sir Toby57 - 58
- And thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst never
- draw sword again.
Sir Andrew59 - 60
- And you part so, mistress, I would I might never draw sword
- again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools in hand?
- Sir, I have not you by th’ hand.
- Marry, but you shall have—and here’s my hand.
Maria63 - 64
- Now, sir, thought is free. I pray you bring your hand to th’
- butt’ry-bar, and let it drink.
- Wherefore, sweetheart? What’s your metaphor?
- It’s dry, sir.
Sir Andrew67 - 68
- Why, I think so. I am not such an ass but I can keep my hand
- dry. But what’s your jest?
- A dry jest, sir.
- Are you full of them?
Maria71 - 72
- Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers’ ends. Marry, now I let
- go your hand, I am barren.
- Exit Maria.
Sir Toby74 - 75
- O knight, thou lack’st a cup of canary. When did I see thee
- so put down?
Sir Andrew76 - 79
- Never in your life I think, unless you see canary put me
- down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian
- or an ordinary man has; but I am a great eater of beef, and
- I believe that does harm to my wit.
- No question.
Sir Andrew81 - 82
- And I thought that, I’d forswear it. I’ll ride home
- tomorrow, Sir Toby.
- Pourquoi, my dear knight?
Sir Andrew84 - 86
- What is “pourquoi”? Do, or not do? I would I had bestow’d
- that time in the tongues that I have in fencing, dancing,
- and bear-baiting. O had I but follow’d the arts!
- Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.
- Why, would that have mended my hair?
- Past question, for thou seest it will not curl by nature.
- But it becomes me well enough, does’t not?
Sir Toby91 - 92
- Excellent, it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I hope to
- see a huswife take thee between her legs, and spin it off.
Sir Andrew93 - 95
- Faith, I’ll home tomorrow, Sir Toby. Your niece will not be
- seen, or if she be, it’s four to one she’ll none of me. The
- Count himself here hard by woos her.
Sir Toby96 - 98
- She’ll none o’ th’ Count. She’ll not match above her degree,
- neither in estate, years, nor wit; I have heard her swear’t.
- Tut, there’s life in’t, man.
Sir Andrew99 - 101
- I’ll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o’ th’ strangest
- mind i’ th’ world; I delight in masques and revels sometimes
- Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?
Sir Andrew103 - 104
- As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the degree of
- my betters, and yet I will not compare with an old man.
- What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?
- Faith, I can cut a caper.
- And I can cut the mutton to’t.
Sir Andrew108 - 109
- And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong as any
- man in Illyria.
Sir Toby110 - 118
- Wherefore are these things hid? Wherefore have these gifts a
- curtain before ’em? Are they like to take dust, like
- Mistress Mall’s picture? Why dost thou not go to church in a
- galliard, and come home in a coranto? My very walk should be
- a jig.
- I would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What
- dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in? I did
- think by the excellent constitution of thy leg, it was
- form’d under the star of a galliard.
Sir Andrew119 - 120
- Ay, ’tis strong; and it does indifferent well in a
- dun-color’d stock. Shall we set about some revels?
- What shall we do else? Were we not born under Taurus?
- Taurus? That’s sides and heart.
Sir Toby123 - 124
- No, sir, it is legs and thighs. Let me see thee caper. Ha,
- higher! Ha, ha, excellent!