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Troilus and Cressida: Act 2, Scene 1

Troilus and Cressida
Act 2, Scene 1

Scene 1

A part of the Grecian camp.

  1. Enter Ajax and Thersites.

Ajax

2
  1. Thersites!

Thersites

3
  1. Agamemnon, how if he had bilesfull, all over, generally?

Ajax

4
  1. Thersites!

Thersites

5 - 6
  1. And those biles did runsay sodid not the general run then?
  2. Were not that a botchy core?

Ajax

7
  1. Dog!

Thersites

8
  1. Then would come some matter from him; I see none now.

Ajax

9
  1. Thou bitch-wolf’s son, canst thou not hear? Feel then.
  1. Strikes him.

Thersites

11 - 12
  1. The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel beef-witted
  2. lord!

Ajax

13 - 14
  1. Speak then, thou whinid’st leaven, speak; I will beat thee
  2. into handsomeness.

Thersites

15 - 18
  1. I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness, but I think
  2. thy horse will sooner con an oration without book than thou
  3. learn a prayer without book. Thou canst strike, canst thou?
  4. A red murrain a’ thy jade’s tricks!

Ajax

19
  1. Toadstool! Learn me the proclamation.

Thersites

20
  1. Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus?

Ajax

21
  1. The proclamation!

Thersites

22
  1. Thou art proclaim’d fool, I think.

Ajax

23
  1. Do not, porpentine, do not, my fingers itch.

Thersites

24 - 27
  1. I would thou didst itch from head to foot; and I had the
  2. scratching of thee, I would make thee the loathsomest scab
  3. in Greece. When thou art forth in the incursions, thou
  4. strikest as slow as another.

Ajax

28
  1. I say, the proclamation!

Thersites

29 - 31
  1. Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles, and thou
  2. art as full of envy at his greatness as Cerberus is at
  3. Proserpina’s beauty, ay, that thou bark’st at him.

Ajax

32
  1. Mistress Thersites!

Thersites

33
  1. Thou shouldst strike him.

Ajax

34
  1. Cobloaf!

Thersites

35 - 36
  1. He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a sailor
  2. breaks a biscuit.

Ajax

37 - 38
  1. Beating him.
  2. You whoreson cur!

Thersites

39 - 45
  1. Do! Do! Thou stool for a witch! Ay, do! Do! Thou
  2. sodden-witted lord! Thou hast no more brain than I have in
  3. mine elbows, an asinico may tutor thee. You scurvy valiant
  4. ass! Thou art here but to thrash Troyans, and thou art
  5. bought and sold among those of any wit, like a barbarian
  6. slave. If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel, and
  7. tell what thou art by inches, thou thing of no bowels, thou!

Ajax

46
  1. You dog!

Thersites

47
  1. You scurvy lord!

Ajax

48 - 49
  1. Beating him.
  2. You cur!

Thersites

50
  1. Mars his idiot! Do, rudeness, do, camel, do, do.
  1. Enter Achilles and Patroclus.

Achilles

52 - 53
  1. Why, how now, Ajax, wherefore do ye thus?
  2. How now, Thersites, what’s the matter, man?

Thersites

54
  1. You see him there? Do you?

Achilles

55
  1. Ay, what’s the matter?

Thersites

56
  1. Nay, look upon him.

Achilles

57
  1. So I do. What’s the matter?

Thersites

58
  1. Nay, but regard him well.

Achilles

59
  1. Well? Why, so I do.

Thersites

60 - 61
  1. But yet you look not well upon him, for whosomever you take
  2. him to be, he is Ajax.

Achilles

62
  1. I know that, fool.

Thersites

63
  1. Ay, but that fool knows not himself.

Ajax

64
  1. Therefore I beat thee.

Thersites

65 - 70
  1. Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! His evasions
  2. have ears thus long. I have bobb’d his brain more than he
  3. has beat my bones. I will buy nine sparrows for a penny, and
  4. his pia mater is not worth the ninth part of a sparrow. This
  5. lord, Achilles, Ajax, who wears his wit in his belly and his
  6. guts in his head, I’ll tell you what I say of him.

Achilles

71
  1. What?

Thersites

72
  1. I say, this Ajax
  1. Ajax offers to strike him.

Achilles

74
  1. Nay, good Ajax.

Thersites

75
  1. Has not so much wit

Achilles

76
  1. Nay, I must hold you.

Thersites

77 - 78
  1. As will stop the eye of Helen’s needle, for whom he comes to
  2. fight.

Achilles

79
  1. Peace, fool!

Thersites

80 - 81
  1. I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will nothe
  2. there, that he! Look you there.

Ajax

82
  1. O thou damn’d cur! I shall

Achilles

83
  1. Will you set your wit to a fool’s?

Thersites

84
  1. No, I warrant you, the fool’s will shame it.

Patroclus

85
  1. Good words, Thersites.

Achilles

86
  1. What’s the quarrel?

Ajax

87 - 88
  1. I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of the
  2. proclamation, and he rails upon me.

Thersites

89
  1. I serve thee not.

Ajax

90
  1. Well, go to, go to.

Thersites

91
  1. I serve here voluntary.

Achilles

92 - 94
  1. Your last service was suff’rance, ’twas not voluntary; no
  2. man is beaten voluntary. Ajax was here the voluntary, and
  3. you as under an impress.

Thersites

95 - 98
  1. E’en so; a great deal of your wit, too, lies in your sinews,
  2. or else there be liars. Hector shall have a great catch, and
  3. ’a knock out either of your brains; ’a were as good crack a
  4. fusty nut with no kernel.

Achilles

99
  1. What, with me too, Thersites?

Thersites

100 - 102
  1. There’s Ulysses and old Nestor, whose wit was moldy ere your
  2. grandsires had nails on their toes, yoke you like
  3. draught-oxen, and make you plough up the wars.

Achilles

103
  1. What? What?

Thersites

104
  1. Yes, good sooth. To, Achilles! To, Ajax! To

Ajax

105
  1. I shall cut out your tongue.

Thersites

106
  1. ’Tis no matter, I shall speak as much as thou afterwards.

Patroclus

107
  1. No more words, Thersites, peace!

Thersites

108
  1. I will hold my peace when Achilles’ brach bids me, shall I?

Achilles

109
  1. There’s for you, Patroclus.

Thersites

110 - 112
  1. I will see you hang’d like clatpoles ere I come any more to
  2. your tents. I will keep where there is wit stirring, and
  3. leave the faction of fools.
  1. Exit.

Patroclus

114
  1. A good riddance.

Achilles

115 - 120
  1. Marry, this, sir, is proclaim’d through all our host:
  2. That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun,
  3. Will with a trumpet ’twixt our tents and Troy
  4. Tomorrow morning call some knight to arms
  5. That hath a stomach, and such a one that dare
  6. MaintainI know not what, ’tis trash. Farewell.

Ajax

121
  1. Farewell. Who shall answer him?

Achilles

122 - 123
  1. I know not, ’tis put to lott’ry. Otherwise,
  2. He knew his man.

Ajax

124
  1. O, meaning you? I will go learn more of it.
  1. Exeunt.
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