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Henry VIII: Act 5, Scene 3

Henry VIII
Act 5, Scene 3

The council chamber.

  1. Noise and tumult within.
  1. Enter Porter and his Man.

Porter

3 - 4
  1. You’ll leave your noise anon, ye rascals; do you take the
  2. court for Parish Garden? Ye rude slaves, leave your gaping.

Servant

5 - 6
  1. Within.
  2. Good Master Porter, I belong to th’ larder.

Porter

7 - 11
  1. Belong to th’ gallows, and be hang’d, ye rogue! Is this a
  2. place to roar in? Fetch me a dozen crab-tree staves, and
  3. strong ones; these are but switches to ’em. I’ll scratch
  4. your heads; you must be seeing christenings? Do you look for
  5. ale and cakes here, you rude rascals?

Porter’s Man

12 - 16
  1. Pray, sir, be patient; ’tis as much impossible,
  2. Unless we sweep ’em from the door with cannons,
  3. To scatter ’em, as ’tis to make ’em sleep
  4. On May-day morning, which will never be.
  5. We may as well push against Powle’s as stir ’em.

Porter

17
  1. How got they in, and be hang’d?

Porter’s Man

18 - 21
  1. Alas, I know not, how gets the tide in?
  2. As much as one sound cudgel of four foot
  3. (You see the poor remainder) could distribute,
  4. I made no spare, sir.

Porter

22
  1.                       You did nothing, sir.

Porter’s Man

23 - 28
  1. I am not Sampson, nor Sir Guy, nor Colbrand,
  2. To mow ’em down before me; but if I spar’d any
  3. That had a head to hit, either young or old,
  4. He or she, cuckold or cuckold-maker,
  5. Let me ne’er hope to see a chine again,
  6. And that I would not for a cow, God save her!

Servant

29 - 30
  1. Within.
  2. Do you hear, Master Porter?

Porter

31 - 32
  1. I shall be with you presently, good Master Puppy.—Keep the
  2. door close, sirrah.

Porter’s Man

33
  1. What would you have me do?

Porter

34 - 39
  1. What should you do, but knock ’em down by th’ dozens? Is
  2. this Moorfields to muster in? Or have we some strange Indian
  3. with the great tool come to court, the women so besiege us?
  4. Bless me, what a fry of fornication is at door! On my
  5. Christian conscience, this one christening will beget a
  6. thousand, here will be father, godfather, and all together.

Porter’s Man

40 - 58
  1. The spoons will be the bigger, sir. There is a fellow
  2. somewhat near the door, he should be a brazier by his face,
  3. for, o’ my conscience, twenty of the dog-days now reign in
  4. ’s nose; all that stand about him are under the line, they
  5. need no other penance: that fire-drake did I hit three times
  6. on the head, and three times was his nose discharg’d against
  7. me; he stands there like a mortar-piece to blow us. There
  8. was a haberdasher’s wife of small wit near him, that rail’d
  9. upon me till her pink’d porringer fell off her head, for
  10. kindling such a combustion in the state. I miss’d the meteor
  11. once, and hit that woman, who cried out Clubs!” , when I
  12. might see from far some forty truncheoners draw to her
  13. succor, which were the hope o’ th’ Strond, where she was
  14. quarter’d. They fell on, I made good my place; at length
  15. they came to th’ broom-staff to me, I defied ’em still, when
  16. suddenly a file of boys behind ’em, loose shot, deliver’d
  17. such a show’r of pebbles, that I was fain to draw mine honor
  18. in, and let ’em win the work. The devil was amongst ’em, I
  19. think, surely.

Porter

59 - 64
  1. These are the youths that thunder at a playhouse and fight
  2. for bitten apples, that no audience but the tribulation of
  3. Tower-hill or the limbs of Lime-house, their dear brothers,
  4. are able to endure. I have some of ’em in Limbo Patrum, and
  5. there they are like to dance these three days; besides the
  6. running banquet of two beadles that is to come.
  1. Enter Lord Chamberlain.

Lord Chamberlain

66 - 73
  1. Mercy o’ me, what a multitude are here!
  2. They grow still too; from all parts they are coming,
  3. As if we kept a fair here! Where are these porters?
  4. These lazy knaves? Y’ have made a fine hand, fellows!
  5. There’s a trim rabble let in. Are all these
  6. Your faithful friends o’ th’ suburbs? We shall have
  7. Great store of room, no doubt, left for the ladies,
  8. When they pass back from the christening.

Porter

74 - 77
  1.                                           And’t please your honor,
  2. We are but men; and what so many may do,
  3. Not being torn a-pieces, we have done.
  4. An army cannot rule ’em.

Lord Chamberlain

78 - 87
  1.                          As I live,
  2. If the King blame me for’t, I’ll lay ye all
  3. By th’ heels, and suddenly; and on your heads
  4. Clap round fines for neglect. Y’ are lazy knaves,
  5. And here ye lie baiting of bombards, when
  6. Ye should do service. Hark, the trumpets sound;
  7. Th’ are come already from the christening.
  8. Go break among the press, and find a way out
  9. To let the troop pass fairly; or I’ll find
  10. A Marshalsea shall hold ye play these two months.

Porter

88
  1. Make way there for the Princess.

Porter’s Man

89 - 90
  1.                                  You great fellow,
  2. Stand close up, or I’ll make your head ache.

Porter

91 - 92
  1. You i’ th’ chamblet, get up o’ th’ rail,
  2. I’ll peck you o’er the pales else.
  1. Exeunt.
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