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Henry IV, Pt. 2: Act 2, Scene 4

Henry IV, Pt. 2
Act 2, Scene 4

London. The Boar’s Head Tavern in Eastcheap.

  1. Enter a Drawer or twoFrancis and a second Drawer.

Francis

2 - 3
  1. What the devil hast thou brought there? Apple-johns? Thou
  2. knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple-john.

Second Drawer

4 - 8
  1. Mass, thou say’st true. The Prince once set a dish of
  2. apple-johns before him, and told him there were five more
  3. Sir Johns, and putting off his hat, said, I will now take
  4. my leave of these six dry, round, old, wither’d knights.” It
  5. ang’red him to the heart, but he hath forgot that.

Francis

9 - 11
  1. Why then cover and set them down, and see if thou canst find
  2. out Sneak’s noise. Mistress Tearsheet would fain hear some
  3. music.
  1. Enter Will, a third Drawer.

Third Drawer

13 - 14
  1. Dispatch. The room where they supp’d is too hot, they’ll
  2. come in straight.

Francis

15 - 17
  1. Sirrah, here will be the Prince and Master Poins anon, and
  2. they will put on two of our jerkins and aprons, and Sir John
  3. must not know of it. Bardolph hath brought word.

Third Drawer

18 - 19
  1. By the mass, here will be old utis, it will be an excellent
  2. stratagem.

Second Drawer

20
  1. I’ll see if I can find out Sneak.
  1. Exit with Third Drawer.
  1. Enter Mistress Quickly the Hostess and Doll Tearsheet.

Mistress Quickly

23 - 29
  1. I’ faith, sweet heart, methinks now you are in an excellent
  2. good temperality. Your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as
  3. heart would desire, and your color, I warrant you, is as red
  4. as any rose, in good truth law! But, i’ faith, you have
  5. drunk too much canaries, and that’s a marvelous searching
  6. wine, and it perfumes the blood ere one can say, What’s
  7. this?” How do you now?

Doll Tearsheet

30
  1. Better than I was. Hem!

Mistress Quickly

31 - 32
  1. Why, that’s well said; a good heart’s worth gold. Lo here
  2. comes Sir John.
  1. Enter Sir John Falstaff.

Falstaff

34 - 39
  1. Singing.
  2. When Arthur first in court”—Empty the jordan.—
  3. Exit Francis.
  4. Singing.
  5. And was a worthy king.”
  6. How now, Mistress Doll?

Mistress Quickly

40
  1. Sick of a calm, yea, good faith.

Falstaff

41 - 42
  1. So is all her sect; and they be once in a calm, they are
  2. sick.

Doll Tearsheet

43 - 44
  1. A pox damn you, you muddy rascal, is that all the comfort
  2. you give me?

Falstaff

45
  1. You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.

Doll Tearsheet

46
  1. I make them? Gluttony and diseases make, I make them not.

Falstaff

47 - 49
  1. If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to make the
  2. diseases, Doll. We catch of you, Doll, we catch of you.
  3. Grant that, my poor virtue, grant that.

Doll Tearsheet

50
  1. Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.

Falstaff

51 - 54
  1. Your brooches, pearls, and ouches.” For to serve bravely is
  2. to come halting off, you know; to come off the breach with
  3. his pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely; to venture
  4. upon the charg’d chambers bravely

Doll Tearsheet

55
  1. Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!

Mistress Quickly

56 - 61
  1. By my troth, this is the old fashion, you two never meet but
  2. you fall to some discord. You are both, i’ good truth, as
  3. rheumatic as two dry toasts, you cannot one bear with
  4. another’s confirmities. What the good-year! One must bear,
  5. and that must be you, you are the weaker vessel, as they
  6. say, the emptier vessel.

Doll Tearsheet

62 - 67
  1. Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead?
  2. There’s a whole merchant’s venture of Bordeaux stuff in him,
  3. you have not seen a hulk better stuff’d in the hold. Come,
  4. I’ll be friends with thee, Jack. Thou art going to the wars,
  5. and whether I shall ever see thee again or no, there is
  6. nobody cares.
  1. Enter Drawer Francis.

Francis

69
  1. Sir, Ancient Pistol’s below, and would speak with you.

Doll Tearsheet

70 - 71
  1. Hang him, swaggering rascal! Let him not come hither. It is
  2. the foul-mouth’d’st rogue in England.

Mistress Quickly

72 - 76
  1. If he swagger, let him not come here. No, by my faith, I
  2. must live among my neighbors; I’ll no swaggerers, I am in
  3. good name and fame with the very best. Shut the door, there
  4. comes no swaggerers here; I have not liv’d all this while to
  5. have swaggering now. Shut the door, I pray you.

Falstaff

77
  1. Dost thou hear, hostess?

Mistress Quickly

78 - 79
  1. Pray ye pacify yourself, Sir John. There comes no swaggerers
  2. here.

Falstaff

80
  1. Dost thou hear? It is mine ancient.

Mistress Quickly

81 - 92
  1. Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne’er tell me; and your ancient
  2. swagger, ’a comes not in my doors. I was before Master
  3. Tisick, the debuty, t’ other day, and, as he said to
  4. me’twas no longer ago than Wed’sday last, i’ good faith
  5. Neighbor Quickly,” says heMaster Dumbe, our minister, was
  6. by then Neighbor Quickly,” says he, receive those that
  7. are civil, for,” said he, you are in an ill name.” Now ’a
  8. said so, I can tell whereupon. For,” says he, you are an
  9. honest woman, and well thought on, therefore take heed what
  10. guests you receive. Receive,” says he, no swaggering
  11. companions.” There comes none here. You would bless you to
  12. hear what he said. No, I’ll no swagg’rers.

Falstaff

93 - 96
  1. He’s no swagg’rer, hostess, a tame cheater, i’ faith, you
  2. may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound. He’ll not
  3. swagger with a Barbary hen, if her feathers turn back in any
  4. show of resistance. Call him up, drawer.
  1. Exit Francis.

Mistress Quickly

98 - 101
  1. Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my house,
  2. nor no cheater, but I do not love swaggering, by my troth. I
  3. am the worse when one says swagger. Feel, masters, how I
  4. shake, look you, I warrant you.

Doll Tearsheet

102
  1. So you do, hostess.

Mistress Quickly

103 - 104
  1. Do I? Yea, in very truth, do I, and ’twere an aspen leaf. I
  2. cannot abide swagg’rers.
  1. Enter Ancient Pistol and Bardolph and Boy Page.

Pistol

106
  1. God save you, Sir John!

Falstaff

107 - 108
  1. Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you with a
  2. cup of sack, do you discharge upon mine hostess.

Pistol

109
  1. I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.

Falstaff

110
  1. She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall not hardly offend her.

Mistress Quickly

111 - 112
  1. Come, I’ll drink no proofs nor no bullets. I’ll drink no
  2. more than will do me good, for no man’s pleasure, I.

Pistol

113
  1. Then to you, Mistress Dorothy, I will charge you.

Doll Tearsheet

114 - 116
  1. Charge me? I scorn you, scurvy companion. What, you poor,
  2. base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you moldy
  3. rogue, away! I am meat for your master.

Pistol

117
  1. I know you, Mistress Dorothy.

Doll Tearsheet

118 - 122
  1. Away, you cutpurse rascal! You filthy bung, away! By this
  2. wine, I’ll thrust my knife in your moldy chaps, and you play
  3. the saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal! You
  4. basket-hilt stale juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir?
  5. God’s light, with two points on your shoulder? Much!

Pistol

123
  1. God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this.

Falstaff

124 - 125
  1. No more, Pistol, I would not have you go off here. Discharge
  2. yourself of our company, Pistol.

Mistress Quickly

126
  1. No, good Captain Pistol, not here, sweet captain.

Doll Tearsheet

127 - 136
  1. Captain? Thou abominable damn’d cheater, art thou not
  2. asham’d to be call’d captain? And captains were of my mind,
  3. they would truncheon you out for taking their names upon you
  4. before you have earn’d them. You a captain! You slave, for
  5. what? For tearing a poor whore’s ruff in a bawdy-house? He a
  6. captain! Hang him, rogue! He lives upon moldy stew’d prunes
  7. and dried cakes. A captain! God’s light, these villains will
  8. make the word as odious as the word occupy,” which was an
  9. excellent good word before it was ill sorted; therefore
  10. captains had need look to’t.

Bardolph

137
  1. Pray thee go down, good ancient.

Falstaff

138
  1. Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.

Pistol

139 - 140
  1. Not I. I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could tear
  2. her. I’ll be reveng’d of her.

Falstaff’s Page

141
  1. Pray thee go down.

Pistol

142 - 145
  1. I’ll see her damn’d first, to Pluto’s damned lake, by this
  2. hand, to th’ infernal deep, with Erebus and tortures vile
  3. also. Hold hook and line, say I. Down, down, dogs! Down,
  4. faitors! Have we not Hiren here?
  1. Draws his sword.

Mistress Quickly

147 - 148
  1. Good Captain Peesel, be quiet, ’tis very late, i’ faith. I
  2. beseek you now, aggravate your choler.

Pistol

149 - 155
  1. These be good humors indeed! Shall pack-horses
  2. And hollow pamper’d jades of Asia,
  3. Which cannot go but thirty mile a day,
  4. Compare with Caesars and with Cannibals
  5. And Troiant Greeks? Nay, rather damn them with
  6. King Cerberus, and let the welkin roar.
  7. Shall we fall foul for toys?

Mistress Quickly

156
  1. By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words.

Bardolph

157
  1. Be gone, good ancient. This will grow to a brawl anon.

Pistol

158 - 159
  1. Die men like dogs! Give crowns like pins! Have we not Hiren
  2. here?

Mistress Quickly

160
  1. A’ my word, captain, there’s none such here. What the good-year, do you think I would deny her? For God’s sake be quiet.

Pistol

161 - 167
  1. Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis.
  2. Come give ’s some sack.
  3. Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento.”
  4. Fear we broadsides? No, let the fiend give fire.
  5. Give me some sack, and, sweet heart, lie thou there.
  6. Laying down his sword.
  7. Come we to full points here? And are etceteras no things?

Falstaff

168
  1. Pistol, I would be quiet.

Pistol

169 - 170
  1. Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What! We have seen the seven
  2. stars.

Doll Tearsheet

171 - 172
  1. For God’s sake thrust him down stairs. I cannot endure such
  2. a fustian rascal.

Pistol

173
  1. Thrust him down stairs! Know we not Galloway nags?

Falstaff

174 - 176
  1. Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat shilling. Nay,
  2. and ’a do nothing but speak nothing, ’a shall be nothing
  3. here.

Bardolph

177
  1. Come, get you down stairs.

Pistol

178 - 182
  1. What? Shall we have incision? Shall we imbrue?
  2. Snatching up his sword.
  3. Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days!
  4. Why then let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds
  5. Untwind the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say!

Mistress Quickly

183
  1. Here’s goodly stuff toward!

Falstaff

184
  1. Give me my rapier, boy.

Doll Tearsheet

185
  1. I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee do not draw.

Falstaff

186
  1. Get you down stairs.
  1. Drawing, and driving Pistol out.

Mistress Quickly

188 - 191
  1. Here’s a goodly tumult! I’ll forswear keeping house afore
  2. I’ll be in these tirrits and frights. So! Murder, I warrant
  3. now. Alas, alas, put up your naked weapons, put up your
  4. naked weapons.
  1. Exeunt Pistol and Bardolph.

Doll Tearsheet

193 - 194
  1. I pray thee, Jack, be quiet, the rascal’s gone. Ah, you
  2. whoreson little valiant villain, you!

Mistress Quickly

195 - 196
  1. Are you not hurt i’ th’ groin? Methought ’a made a shrewd
  2. thrust at your belly.
  1. Enter Bardolph.

Falstaff

198
  1. Have you turn’d him out a’ doors?

Bardolph

199 - 200
  1. Yea, sir. The rascal’s drunk; you have hurt him, sir, i’ th’
  2. shoulder.

Falstaff

201
  1. A rascal! To brave me?

Doll Tearsheet

202 - 206
  1. Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! Alas, poor ape, how thou
  2. sweat’st! Come let me wipe thy face. Come on, you whoreson
  3. chops. Ah, rogue! I’ faith, I love thee. Thou art as
  4. valorous as Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, and ten
  5. times better than the Nine Worthies. Ah, villain!

Falstaff

207
  1. Ah, rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.

Doll Tearsheet

208 - 209
  1. Do, and thou dar’st for thy heart. And thou dost, I’ll
  2. canvass thee between a pair of sheets.
  1. Enter Sneak and other musicians.

Falstaff’s Page

211
  1. The music is come, sir.

Falstaff

212 - 213
  1. Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Doll. A rascal
  2. bragging slave! The rogue fled from me like quicksilver.

Doll Tearsheet

214 - 217
  1. I’ faith, and thou follow’dst him like a church. Thou
  2. whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when wilt thou
  3. leave fighting a’ days and foining a’ nights, and begin to
  4. patch up thine old body for heaven?
  1. Enter, behind, Prince Henry and Poins, disguised.

Falstaff

219 - 220
  1. Peace, good Doll, do not speak like a death’s-head, do not
  2. bid me remember mine end.

Doll Tearsheet

221
  1. Sirrah, what humor’s the Prince of?

Falstaff

222 - 223
  1. A good shallow young fellow. ’A would have made a good
  2. pantler, ’a would ’a’ chipp’d bread well.

Doll Tearsheet

224
  1. They say Poins has a good wit.

Falstaff

225 - 227
  1. He a good wit? Hang him, baboon! His wit’s as thick as
  2. Tewksbury mustard, there’s no more conceit in him than is in
  3. a mallet.

Doll Tearsheet

228
  1. Why does the Prince love him so then?

Falstaff

229 - 238
  1. Because their legs are both of a bigness, and ’a plays at
  2. quoits well, and eats conger and fennel, and drinks off
  3. candles’ ends for flap-dragons, and rides the wild-mare with
  4. the boys, and jumps upon join’d-stools, and swears with a
  5. good grace, and wears his boots very smooth, like unto the
  6. sign of the Leg, and breeds no bate with telling of discreet
  7. stories; and such other gambol faculties ’a has, that show a
  8. weak mind and an able body, for the which the Prince admits
  9. him. For the Prince himself is such another, the weight of a
  10. hair will turn scales between their avoirdupois.

Prince Henry

239
  1. Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off?

Poins

240
  1. Let’s beat him before his whore.

Prince Henry

241 - 242
  1. Look whe’er the wither’d elder hath not his pole claw’d like
  2. a parrot.

Poins

243 - 244
  1. Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive
  2. performance?

Falstaff

245
  1. Kiss me, Doll.

Prince Henry

246 - 247
  1. Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! What says th’
  2. almanac to that?

Poins

248 - 250
  1. And look whether the fiery Trigon, his man, be not lisping
  2. to his master’s old tables, his note-book, his
  3. counsel-keeper.

Falstaff

251
  1. Thou dost give me flattering busses.

Doll Tearsheet

252
  1. By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.

Falstaff

253
  1. I am old, I am old.

Doll Tearsheet

254 - 255
  1. I love thee better than I love e’er a scurvy young boy of
  2. them all.

Falstaff

256 - 258
  1. What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive money a’
  2. Thursday, shalt have a cap tomorrow. A merry song! Come, it
  3. grows late, we’ll to bed. Thou’t forget me when I am gone.

Doll Tearsheet

259 - 261
  1. By my troth, thou’t set me a-weeping and thou say’st so.
  2. Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy
  3. returnwell, hearken a’ th’ end.

Falstaff

262
  1. Some sack, Francis.

Both Prince and Poins

263
  1. Anon, anon, sir.
  1. Coming forward.

Falstaff

265 - 266
  1. Ha? A bastard son of the King’s? And art not thou Poins his
  2. brother?

Prince Henry

267 - 268
  1. Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life dost thou
  2. lead?

Falstaff

269
  1. A better than thou: I am a gentleman, thou art a drawer.

Prince Henry

270
  1. Very true, sir, and I come to draw you out by the ears.

Mistress Quickly

271 - 273
  1. O, the Lord preserve thy Grace! By my troth, welcome to
  2. London. Now, the Lord bless that sweet face of thine! O
  3. Jesu, are you come from Wales?

Falstaff

274 - 275
  1. Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by this light flesh
  2. and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.

Doll Tearsheet

276
  1. How? You fat fool, I scorn you.

Poins

277 - 278
  1. My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and turn all
  2. to a merriment, if you take not the heat.

Prince Henry

279 - 280
  1. You whoreson candle-mine, you, how vildly did you speak of
  2. me even now before this honest, virtuous, civil gentlewoman!

Mistress Quickly

281 - 282
  1. God’s blessing of your good heart! And so she is, by my
  2. troth.

Falstaff

283
  1. Didst thou hear me?

Prince Henry

284 - 286
  1. Yea, and you knew me, as you did when you ran away by
  2. Gadshill. You knew I was at your back, and spoke it on
  3. purpose to try my patience.

Falstaff

287 - 288
  1. No, no, no, not so, I did not think thou wast within
  2. hearing.

Prince Henry

289 - 290
  1. I shall drive you then to confess the willful abuse, and
  2. then I know how to handle you.

Falstaff

291
  1. No abuse, Hal, a’ mine honor, no abuse.

Prince Henry

292 - 293
  1. Not to dispraise me, and call me pantler and bread-chipper,
  2. and I know not what?

Falstaff

294
  1. No abuse, Hal.

Poins

295
  1. No abuse?

Falstaff

296 - 301
  1. No abuse, Ned, i’ th’ world, honest Ned, none. I disprais’d
  2. him before the wicked, that the wicked turns to the Prince
  3. might not fall in love with thee; in which doing, I have
  4. done the part of a careful friend and a true subject, and
  5. thy father is to give me thanks for it. No abuse, Hal; none,
  6. Ned, none; no, faith, boys, none.

Prince Henry

302 - 306
  1. See now whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth not make
  2. thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close with us. Is
  3. she of the wicked? Is thine hostess here of the wicked? Or
  4. is thy boy of the wicked? Or honest Bardolph, whose zeal
  5. burns in his nose, of the wicked?

Poins

307
  1. Answer, thou dead elm, answer.

Falstaff

308 - 311
  1. The fiend hath prick’d down Bardolph irrecoverable, and his
  2. face is Lucifer’s privy-kitchen, where he doth nothing but
  3. roast malt-worms. For the boy, there is a good angel about
  4. him, but the devil blinds him too.

Prince Henry

312
  1. For the women?

Falstaff

313 - 315
  1. For one of them, she’s in hell already, and burns poor
  2. souls; for th’ other, I owe her money, and whether she be
  3. damn’d for that, I know not.

Mistress Quickly

316
  1. No, I warrant you.

Falstaff

317 - 320
  1. No, I think thou art not, I think thou art quit for that.
  2. Marry, there is another indictment upon thee, for suffering
  3. flesh to be eaten in thy house, contrary to the law, for the
  4. which I think thou wilt howl.

Mistress Quickly

321 - 322
  1. All vict’lers do so. What’s a joint of mutton or two in a
  2. whole Lent?

Prince Henry

323
  1. You, gentlewoman

Doll Tearsheet

324
  1. What says your Grace?

Falstaff

325
  1. His grace says that which his flesh rebels against.
  1. Peto knocks at door.

Mistress Quickly

327
  1. Who knocks so loud at door? Look to th’ door there, Francis.
  1. Enter Peto.

Prince Henry

329
  1. Peto, how now, what news?

Peto

330 - 335
  1. The King your father is at Westminster,
  2. And there are twenty weak and wearied posts
  3. Come from the north, and as I came along
  4. I met and overtook a dozen captains,
  5. Bare-headed, sweating, knocking at the taverns,
  6. And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff.

Prince Henry

336 - 341
  1. By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame
  2. So idly to profane the precious time,
  3. When tempest of commotion, like the south
  4. Borne with black vapor, doth begin to melt
  5. And drop upon our bare unarmed heads.
  6. Give me my sword and cloak. Falstaff, good night.
  1. Exeunt Prince and Poins, Peto and Bardolph.

Falstaff

343 - 348
  1. Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and we must
  2. hence and leave it unpick’d.
  3. Knocking within.
  4. More knocking at the door!
  5. Enter Bardolph.
  6. How now, what’s the matter?

Bardolph

349 - 350
  1. You must away to court, sir, presently,
  2. A dozen captains stay at door for you.

Falstaff

351 - 356
  1. To the Page.
  2. Pay the musicians, sirrah. Farewell, hostess, farewell,
  3. Doll. You see, my good wenches, how men of merit are sought
  4. after. The undeserver may sleep when the man of action is
  5. call’d on. Farewell, good wenches, if I be not sent away
  6. post, I will see you again ere I go.

Doll Tearsheet

357 - 358
  1. I cannot speak. If my heart be not ready to burstwell,
  2. sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.

Falstaff

359
  1. Farewell, farewell.
  1. Exit with Bardolph and Page.

Mistress Quickly

361 - 363
  1. Well, fare thee well. I have known thee these twenty-nine
  2. years, come peascod-time, but an honester and truer-hearted
  3. manwell, fare thee well.

Bardolph

364 - 365
  1. Within.
  2. Mistress Tearsheet!

Mistress Quickly

366
  1. What’s the matter?

Bardolph

367 - 368
  1. Within.
  2. Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master.

Mistress Quickly

369 - 371
  1. O, run, Doll, run, run, good Doll. Come.
  2. To Bardolph.
  3. She comes blubber’d.—Yea! Will you come, Doll?
  1. Exeunt.
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