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Henry IV, Pt. 2: Act 1, Scene 2

Henry IV, Pt. 2
Act 1, Scene 2

London. A street.

  1. Enter Sir John Falstaff alone, with his Page, following
  2. behind, bearing his sword and buckler.

Falstaff

3
  1. Sirrah, you giant, what says the doctor to my water?

Falstaff’s Page

4 - 6
  1. He said, sir, the water itself was a good healthy water, but
  2. for the party that ow’d it, he might have more diseases than
  3. he knew for.

Falstaff

7 - 29
  1. Men of all sorts take a pride to gird at me. The brain of
  2. this foolish-compounded clay, man, is not able to invent any
  3. thing that intends to laughter more than I invent or is
  4. invented on me: I am not only witty in myself, but the cause
  5. that wit is in other men. I do here walk before thee like a
  6. sow that hath overwhelm’d all her litter but one. If the
  7. Prince put thee into my service for any other reason than to
  8. set me off, why then I have no judgment. Thou whoreson
  9. mandrake, thou art fitter to be worn in my cap than to wait
  10. at my heels. I was never mann’d with an agot till now, but I
  11. will inset you neither in gold nor silver, but in vile
  12. apparel, and send you back again to your master for a
  13. jewelthe juvenal, the Prince your master, whose chin is not
  14. yet fledge. I will sooner have a beard grow in the palm of
  15. my hand than he shall get one of his cheek, and yet he will
  16. not stick to say his face is a face royal. God may finish it
  17. when he will, ’tis not a hair amiss yet. He may keep it
  18. still at a face royal, for a barber shall never earn
  19. sixpence out of it; and yet he’ll be crowing as if he had
  20. writ man ever since his father was a bachelor. He may keep
  21. his own grace, but he’s almost out of mine, I can assure
  22. him. What said Master Dommelton about the satin for my short
  23. cloak and my slops?

Falstaff’s Page

30 - 32
  1. He said, sir, you should procure him better assurance than
  2. Bardolph. He would not take his bond and yours, he lik’d not
  3. the security.

Falstaff

33 - 46
  1. Let him be damn’d like the glutton! Pray God his tongue be
  2. hotter! A whoreson Achitophel! A rascally yea-forsooth
  3. knave, to bear a gentleman in hand, and then stand upon
  4. security! The whoreson smoothy-pates do now wear nothing but
  5. high shoes, and bunches of keys at their girdles, and if a
  6. man is through with them in honest taking up, then they must
  7. stand upon security. I had as live they would put ratsbane
  8. in my mouth as offer to stop it with security. I look’d ’a
  9. should have sent me two and twenty yards of satin (as I am a
  10. true knight), and he sends me security! Well, he may sleep
  11. in security, for he hath the horn of abundance, and the
  12. lightness of his wife shines through it; and yet cannot he
  13. see, though he have his own lantern to light him. Where’s
  14. Bardolph?

Falstaff’s Page

47
  1. He’s gone into Smithfield to buy your worship a horse.

Falstaff

48 - 50
  1. I bought him in Paul’s, and he’ll buy me a horse in
  2. Smithfield; and I could get me but a wife in the stews, I
  3. were mann’d, hors’d, and wiv’d.
  1. Enter Lord Chief Justice and Servant.

Falstaff’s Page

52 - 53
  1. Sir, here comes the nobleman that committed the Prince for
  2. striking him about Bardolph.

Falstaff

54
  1. Wait close, I will not see him.

Lord Chief Justice

55
  1. What’s he that goes there?

Servant to the Lord Chief Justice

56
  1. Falstaff, and’t please your lordship.

Lord Chief Justice

57
  1. He that was in question for the robb’ry?

Servant to the Lord Chief Justice

58 - 60
  1. He, my lord, but he hath since done good service at
  2. Shrewsbury, and (as I hear) is now going with some charge to
  3. the Lord John of Lancaster.

Lord Chief Justice

61
  1. What, to York? Call him back again.

Servant to the Lord Chief Justice

62
  1. Sir John Falstaff!

Falstaff

63
  1. Boy, tell him I am deaf.

Falstaff’s Page

64
  1. You must speak louder, my master is deaf.

Lord Chief Justice

65 - 66
  1. I am sure he is, to the hearing of any thing good. Go pluck
  2. him by the elbow, I must speak with him.

Servant to the Lord Chief Justice

67
  1. Sir John!

Falstaff

68 - 73
  1. What? A young knave, and begging? Is there not wars? Is
  2. there not employment? Doth not the King lack subjects? Do
  3. not the rebels need soldiers? Though it be a shame to be on
  4. any side but one, it is worse shame to beg than to be on the
  5. worst side, were it worse than the name of rebellion can
  6. tell how to make it.

Servant to the Lord Chief Justice

74
  1. You mistake me, sir.

Falstaff

75 - 77
  1. Why, sir, did I say you were an honest man? Setting my
  2. knighthood and my soldiership aside, I had lied in my throat
  3. if I had said so.

Servant to the Lord Chief Justice

78 - 80
  1. I pray you, sir, then set your knighthood and your
  2. soldiership aside, and give me leave to tell you you lie in
  3. your throat if you say I am any other than an honest man.

Falstaff

81 - 84
  1. I give thee leave to tell me so? I lay aside that which
  2. grows to me? If thou get’st any leave of me, hang me; if
  3. thou tak’st leave, thou wert better be hang’d. You hunt
  4. counter, hence, avaunt!

Servant to the Lord Chief Justice

85
  1. Sir, my lord would speak with you.

Lord Chief Justice

86
  1. Sir John Falstaff, a word with you.

Falstaff

87 - 93
  1. My good lord! God give your lordship good time of day. I am
  2. glad to see your lordship abroad. I heard say your lordship
  3. was sick, I hope your lordship goes abroad by advice. Your
  4. lordship, though not clean past your youth, have yet some
  5. smack of an ague in you, some relish of the saltness of time
  6. in you, and I most humbly beseech your lordship to have a
  7. reverend care of your health.

Lord Chief Justice

94 - 95
  1. Sir John, I sent for you before your expedition to
  2. Shrewsbury.

Falstaff

96 - 97
  1. And’t please your lordship, I hear his Majesty is return’d
  2. with some discomfort from Wales.

Lord Chief Justice

98 - 99
  1. I talk not of his Majesty. You would not come when I sent
  2. for you.

Falstaff

100 - 101
  1. And I hear, moreover, his Highness is fall’n into this same
  2. whoreson apoplexy.

Lord Chief Justice

102
  1. Well, God mend him! I pray you let me speak with you.

Falstaff

103 - 105
  1. This apoplexy, as I take it, is a kind of lethargy, and’t
  2. please your lordship, a kind of sleeping in the blood, a
  3. whoreson tingling.

Lord Chief Justice

106
  1. What tell you me of it? Be it as it is.

Falstaff

107 - 109
  1. It hath it original from much grief, from study, and
  2. perturbation of the brain. I have read the cause of his
  3. effects in Galen, it is a kind of deafness.

Lord Chief Justice

110 - 111
  1. I think you are fall’n into the disease, for you hear not
  2. what I say to you.

Falstaff

112 - 114
  1. Very well, my lord, very well. Rather, and’t please you, it
  2. is the disease of not list’ning, the malady of not marking,
  3. that I am troubled withal.

Lord Chief Justice

115 - 116
  1. To punish you by the heels would amend the attention of your
  2. ears, and I care not if I do become your physician.

Falstaff

117 - 121
  1. I am as poor as Job, my lord, but not so patient. Your
  2. lordship may minister the potion of imprisonment to me in
  3. respect of poverty, but how I should be your patient to
  4. follow your prescriptions, the wise may make some dram of a
  5. scruple, or indeed a scruple itself.

Lord Chief Justice

122 - 123
  1. I sent for you, when there were matters against you for your
  2. life, to come speak with me.

Falstaff

124 - 125
  1. As I was then advis’d by my learned counsel in the laws of
  2. this land-service, I did not come.

Lord Chief Justice

126
  1. Well, the truth is, Sir John, you live in great infamy.

Falstaff

127
  1. He that buckles himself in my belt cannot live in less.

Lord Chief Justice

128
  1. Your means are very slender, and your waste is great.

Falstaff

129 - 130
  1. I would it were otherwise, I would my means were greater and
  2. my waist slenderer.

Lord Chief Justice

131
  1. You have misled the youthful prince.

Falstaff

132 - 133
  1. The young prince hath misled me. I am the fellow with the
  2. great belly, and he my dog.

Lord Chief Justice

134 - 137
  1. Well, I am loath to gall a new-heal’d wound. Your day’s
  2. service at Shrewsbury hath a little gilded over your night’s
  3. exploit on Gadshill. You may thank th’ unquiet time for your
  4. quiet o’erposting that action.

Falstaff

138
  1. My lord?

Lord Chief Justice

139
  1. But since all is well, keep it so, wake not a sleeping wolf.

Falstaff

140
  1. To wake a wolf is as bad as smell a fox.

Lord Chief Justice

141
  1. What, you are as a candle, the better part burnt out.

Falstaff

142 - 143
  1. A wassail candle, my lord, all tallow; if I did say of wax,
  2. my growth would approve the truth.

Lord Chief Justice

144 - 145
  1. There is not a white hair in your face but should have his
  2. effect of gravity.

Falstaff

146
  1. His effect of gravy, gravy, gravy.

Lord Chief Justice

147
  1. You follow the young prince up and down, like his ill angel.

Falstaff

148 - 159
  1. Not so, my lord. Your ill angel is light, but I hope he that
  2. looks upon me will take me without weighing, and yet in some
  3. respects I grant I cannot go. I cannot tell. Virtue is of so
  4. little regard in these costermongers’ times that true valor
  5. is turn’d berrord; pregnancy is made a tapster, and his
  6. quick wit wasted in giving reckonings; all the other gifts
  7. appertinent to man, as the malice of this age shapes them,
  8. are not worth a gooseberry. You that are old consider not
  9. the capacities of us that are young, you do measure the heat
  10. of our livers with the bitterness of your galls; and we that
  11. are in the vaward of our youth, I must confess, are wags
  12. too.

Lord Chief Justice

160 - 166
  1. Do you set down your name in the scroll of youth, that are
  2. written down old with all the characters of age? Have you
  3. not a moist eye, a dry hand, a yellow cheek, a white beard,
  4. a decreasing leg, an increasing belly? Is not your voice
  5. broken, your wind short, your chin double, your wit single,
  6. and every part about you blasted with antiquity? And will
  7. you yet call yourself young? Fie, fie, fie, Sir John!

Falstaff

167 - 179
  1. My lord, I was born about three of the clock in the
  2. afternoon, with a white head and something a round belly.
  3. For my voice, I have lost it with hallowing and singing of
  4. anthems. To approve my youth further, I will not. The truth
  5. is, I am only old in judgment and understanding; and he that
  6. will caper with me for a thousand marks, let him lend me the
  7. money, and have at him! For the box of the year that the
  8. Prince gave you, he gave it like a rude prince, and you took
  9. it like a sensible lord. I have check’d him for it, and the
  10. young lion repents,
  11. Aside.
  12. marry, not in ashes and sackcloth, but in new silk and old
  13. sack.

Lord Chief Justice

180
  1. Well, God send the Prince a better companion!

Falstaff

181 - 182
  1. God send the companion a better prince! I cannot rid my
  2. hands of him.

Lord Chief Justice

183 - 185
  1. Well, the King hath sever’d you. I hear you are going with
  2. Lord John of Lancaster against the Archbishop and the Earl
  3. of Northumberland.

Falstaff

186 - 199
  1. Yea, I thank your pretty sweet wit for it. But look you
  2. pray, all you that kiss my Lady Peace at home, that our
  3. armies join not in a hot day! For, by the Lord, I take but
  4. two shirts out with me, and I mean not to sweat
  5. extraordinarily. If it be a hot day, and I brandish any
  6. thing but a bottle, I would I might never spit white again.
  7. There is not a dangerous action can peep out his head but I
  8. am thrust upon it. Well, I cannot last ever, but it was
  9. alway yet the trick of our English nation, if they have a
  10. good thing, to make it too common. If ye will needs say I am
  11. an old man, you should give me rest. I would to God my name
  12. were not so terrible to the enemy as it is. I were better to
  13. be eaten to death with a rust than to be scour’d to nothing
  14. with perpetual motion.

Lord Chief Justice

200
  1. Well, be honest, be honest, and God bless your expedition!

Falstaff

201 - 202
  1. Will your lordship lend me a thousand pound to furnish me
  2. forth?

Lord Chief Justice

203 - 204
  1. Not a penny, not a penny, you are too impatient to bear
  2. crosses. Fare you well! Commend me to my cousin Westmorland.
  1. Exeunt Chief Justice and Servant.

Falstaff

206 - 210
  1. If I do, fillip me with a three-man beetle. A man can no
  2. more separate age and covetousness than ’a can part young
  3. limbs and lechery; but the gout galls the one, and the pox
  4. pinches the other, and so both the degrees prevent my
  5. curses. Boy!

Falstaff’s Page

211
  1. Sir?

Falstaff

212
  1. What money is in my purse?

Falstaff’s Page

213
  1. Seven groats and two pence.

Falstaff

214 - 226
  1. I can get no remedy against this consumption of the purse;
  2. borrowing only lingers and lingers it out, but the disease
  3. is incurable. Go bear this letter to my Lord of Lancaster,
  4. this to the Prince, this to the Earl of Westmorland, and
  5. this to old Mistress Ursula, whom I have weekly sworn to
  6. marry since I perceiv’d the first white hair of my chin.
  7. About it, you know where to find me.
  8. Exit Page.
  9. A pox of this gout! Or a gout of this pox! For the one or
  10. the other plays the rogue with my great toe. ’Tis no matter
  11. if I do halt, I have the wars for my color, and my pension
  12. shall seem the more reasonable. A good wit will make use of
  13. any thing. I will turn diseases to commodity.
  1. Exit.
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