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The Merry Wives of Windsor: Act 4, Scene 5

The Merry Wives of Windsor
Act 4, Scene 5

A room in the Garter Inn.

  1. Enter Host, Simple.

Host

2 - 3
  1. What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thick-skin? Speak,
  2. breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.

Simple

4 - 5
  1. Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff from
  2. Master Slender.

Host

6 - 9
  1. There’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-bed
  2. and truckle-bed; ’tis painted about with the story of the
  3. Prodigal, fresh and new. Go, knock and call; he’ll speak
  4. like an Anthropophaginian unto thee. Knock, I say.

Simple

10 - 12
  1. There’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber.
  2. I’ll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down. I come to
  3. speak with her indeed.

Host

13 - 15
  1. Ha? A fat woman? The knight may be robb’d. I’ll call.
  2. Bully-knight! Bully Sir John! Speak from thy lungs military.
  3. Art thou there? It is thine host, thine Ephesian, calls.

Falstaff

16 - 17
  1. Above.
  2. How now, mine host?

Host

18 - 20
  1. Here’s a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of thy fat
  2. woman. Let her descend, bully, let her descend; my chambers
  3. are honorable. Fie, privacy? Fie!
  1. Enter Falstaff.

Falstaff

22 - 23
  1. There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with me, but
  2. she’s gone.

Simple

24
  1. Pray you, sir, was’t not the wise woman of Brainford?

Falstaff

25
  1. Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell, what would you with her?

Simple

26 - 28
  1. My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her, seeing her
  2. go thorough the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nym, sir,
  3. that beguil’d him of a chain, had the chain or no.

Falstaff

29
  1. I spake with the old woman about it.

Simple

30
  1. And what says she, I pray, sir?

Falstaff

31 - 32
  1. Marry, she says that the very same man that beguil’d Master
  2. Slender of his chain cozen’d him of it.

Simple

33 - 34
  1. I would I could have spoken with the woman herself. I had
  2. other things to have spoken with her too from him.

Falstaff

35
  1. What are they? Let us know.

Host

36
  1. Ay; come; quick.

Simple

37
  1. I may not conceal them, sir.

Host

38
  1. Conceal them, or thou diest.

Simple

39 - 40
  1. Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne Page, to
  2. know if it were my master’s fortune to have her or no.

Falstaff

41
  1. ’Tis, ’tis his fortune.

Simple

42
  1. What, sir?

Falstaff

43
  1. To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so.

Simple

44
  1. May I be bold to say so, sir?

Falstaff

45
  1. Ay, sir; like who more bold?

Simple

46 - 47
  1. I thank your worship. I shall make my master glad with these
  2. tidings.
  1. Exit.

Host

49 - 50
  1. Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was there a
  2. wise woman with thee?

Falstaff

51 - 53
  1. Ay, that there was, mine host, one that hath taught me more
  2. wit than ever I learn’d before in my life; and I paid
  3. nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning.
  1. Enter Bardolph.

Bardolph

55
  1. Out alas, sir, cozenage! Mere cozenage.

Host

56
  1. Where be my horses? Speak well of them, varletto.

Bardolph

57 - 60
  1. Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I came beyond
  2. Eton, they threw me off from behind one of them, in a slough
  3. of mire; and set spurs and away, like three German devils,
  4. three Doctor Faustuses.

Host

61 - 62
  1. They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain, do not say they
  2. be fled. Germans are honest men.
  1. Enter Evans.

Evans

64
  1. Where is mine host?

Host

65
  1. What is the matter, sir?

Evans

66 - 72
  1. Have a care of your entertainments. There is a friend of
  2. mine come to town, tells me there is three cozen-germans
  3. that has cozen’d all the hosts of Readins, of Maidenhead, of
  4. Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good will,
  5. look you. You are wise and full of gibes and
  6. vlouting-stocks, and ’tis not convenient you should be
  7. cozen’d. Fare you well.
  1. Exit.
  1. Enter Caius.

Caius

75
  1. Vere is mine host de Jarteer?

Host

76
  1. Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.

Caius

77 - 80
  1. I cannot tell vat is dat; but it is tell-a me dat you make
  2. grand preparation for a duke de Jamany. By my trot, dere is
  3. no duke that the court is know to come. I tell you for good
  4. will; adieu.
  1. Exit.

Host

82 - 83
  1. Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight, I am undone!
  2. Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone!
  1. Exeunt Host and Bardolph.

Falstaff

85 - 95
  1. I would all the world might be cozen’d, for I have been
  2. cozen’d and beaten too. If it should come to the ear of the
  3. court, how I have been transform’d, and how my
  4. transformation hath been wash’d and cudgell’d, they would
  5. melt me out of my fat drop by drop, and liquor fishermen’s
  6. boots with me. I warrant they would whip me with their fine
  7. wits till I were as crestfall’n as a dried pear. I never
  8. prosper’d since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my
  9. wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.
  10. Enter Mistress Quickly.
  11. Now? Whence come you?

Mistress Quickly

96
  1. From the two parties, forsooth.

Falstaff

97 - 100
  1. The devil take one party and his dam the other! And so they
  2. shall be both bestow’d. I have suffer’d more for their
  3. sakesmore than the villainous inconstancy of man’s
  4. disposition is able to bear.

Mistress Quickly

101 - 103
  1. And have not they suffer’d? Yes, I warrant; speciously one
  2. of them. Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and
  3. blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her.

Falstaff

104 - 109
  1. What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was beaten myself
  2. into all the colors of the rainbow; and I was like to be
  3. apprehended for the witch of Brainford. But that my
  4. admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of
  5. an old woman, deliver’d me, the knave constable had set me
  6. i’ th’ stocks, i’ th’ common stocks, for a witch.

Mistress Quickly

110 - 114
  1. Sirlet me speak with you in your chamber. You shall hear
  2. how things go, and, I warrant, to your content. Here is a
  3. letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado here is to
  4. bring you together! Sure, one of you does not serve heaven
  5. well, that you are so cross’d.

Falstaff

115
  1. Come up into my chamber.
  1. Exeunt.
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