The Merry Wives of Windsor
Act 4, Scene 5
A room in the Garter Inn.
- Enter Host, Simple.
Host2 - 3
- What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thick-skin? Speak,
- breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.
Simple4 - 5
- Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff from
- Master Slender.
Host6 - 9
- There’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-bed
- and truckle-bed; ’tis painted about with the story of the
- Prodigal, fresh and new. Go, knock and call; he’ll speak
- like an Anthropophaginian unto thee. Knock, I say.
Simple10 - 12
- There’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber.
- I’ll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down. I come to
- speak with her indeed.
Host13 - 15
- Ha? A fat woman? The knight may be robb’d. I’ll call.
- Bully-knight! Bully Sir John! Speak from thy lungs military.
- Art thou there? It is thine host, thine Ephesian, calls.
Falstaff16 - 17
- How now, mine host?
Host18 - 20
- Here’s a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of thy fat
- woman. Let her descend, bully, let her descend; my chambers
- are honorable. Fie, privacy? Fie!
- Enter Falstaff.
Falstaff22 - 23
- There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with me, but
- she’s gone.
- Pray you, sir, was’t not the wise woman of Brainford?
- Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell, what would you with her?
Simple26 - 28
- My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her, seeing her
- go thorough the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nym, sir,
- that beguil’d him of a chain, had the chain or no.
- I spake with the old woman about it.
- And what says she, I pray, sir?
Falstaff31 - 32
- Marry, she says that the very same man that beguil’d Master
- Slender of his chain cozen’d him of it.
Simple33 - 34
- I would I could have spoken with the woman herself. I had
- other things to have spoken with her too from him.
- What are they? Let us know.
- Ay; come; quick.
- I may not conceal them, sir.
- Conceal them, or thou diest.
Simple39 - 40
- Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne Page, to
- know if it were my master’s fortune to have her or no.
- ’Tis, ’tis his fortune.
- What, sir?
- To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so.
- May I be bold to say so, sir?
- Ay, sir; like who more bold?
Simple46 - 47
- I thank your worship. I shall make my master glad with these
Host49 - 50
- Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was there a
- wise woman with thee?
Falstaff51 - 53
- Ay, that there was, mine host, one that hath taught me more
- wit than ever I learn’d before in my life; and I paid
- nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning.
- Enter Bardolph.
- Out alas, sir, cozenage! Mere cozenage.
- Where be my horses? Speak well of them, varletto.
Bardolph57 - 60
- Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I came beyond
- Eton, they threw me off from behind one of them, in a slough
- of mire; and set spurs and away, like three German devils,
- three Doctor Faustuses.
Host61 - 62
- They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain, do not say they
- be fled. Germans are honest men.
- Enter Evans.
- Where is mine host?
- What is the matter, sir?
Evans66 - 72
- Have a care of your entertainments. There is a friend of
- mine come to town, tells me there is three cozen-germans
- that has cozen’d all the hosts of Readins, of Maidenhead, of
- Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good will,
- look you. You are wise and full of gibes and
- vlouting-stocks, and ’tis not convenient you should be
- cozen’d. Fare you well.
- Enter Caius.
- Vere is mine host de Jarteer?
- Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.
Caius77 - 80
- I cannot tell vat is dat; but it is tell-a me dat you make
- grand preparation for a duke de Jamany. By my trot, dere is
- no duke that the court is know to come. I tell you for good
- will; adieu.
Host82 - 83
- Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight, I am undone!
- Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone!
- Exeunt Host and Bardolph.
Falstaff85 - 95
- I would all the world might be cozen’d, for I have been
- cozen’d and beaten too. If it should come to the ear of the
- court, how I have been transform’d, and how my
- transformation hath been wash’d and cudgell’d, they would
- melt me out of my fat drop by drop, and liquor fishermen’s
- boots with me. I warrant they would whip me with their fine
- wits till I were as crestfall’n as a dried pear. I never
- prosper’d since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my
- wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.
- Enter Mistress Quickly.
- Now? Whence come you?
- From the two parties, forsooth.
Falstaff97 - 100
- The devil take one party and his dam the other! And so they
- shall be both bestow’d. I have suffer’d more for their
- sakes—more than the villainous inconstancy of man’s
- disposition is able to bear.
Mistress Quickly101 - 103
- And have not they suffer’d? Yes, I warrant; speciously one
- of them. Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and
- blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her.
Falstaff104 - 109
- What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was beaten myself
- into all the colors of the rainbow; and I was like to be
- apprehended for the witch of Brainford. But that my
- admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of
- an old woman, deliver’d me, the knave constable had set me
- i’ th’ stocks, i’ th’ common stocks, for a witch.
Mistress Quickly110 - 114
- Sir—let me speak with you in your chamber. You shall hear
- how things go, and, I warrant, to your content. Here is a
- letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado here is to
- bring you together! Sure, one of you does not serve heaven
- well, that you are so cross’d.
- Come up into my chamber.