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Henry IV, Pt. 2: Act II, Scene 4

Henry IV, Pt. 2
Act II, Scene 4

London . The Boar’s Head Tavern in Eastcheap .

  1. Enter a Drawer or two Francis and a second Drawer .

Francis

1 - 2
  1. What the devil hast thou brought there ? Apple - johns ? Thou
  2. knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple - john .

Second Drawer

3 - 7
  1. Mass , thou say’st true . The Prince once set a dish of
  2. apple - johns before him , and told him there were five more
  3. Sir Johns , and putting off his hat , said , I will now take
  4. my leave of these six dry , round , old , wither’d knights .” It
  5. ang’red him to the heart , but he hath forgot that .

Francis

8 - 10
  1. Why then cover and set them down , and see if thou canst find
  2. out Sneak’s noise . Mistress Tearsheet would fain hear some
  3. music .
  1. Enter Will , a third Drawer .

Third Drawer

11 - 12
  1. Dispatch . The room where they supp’d is too hot , they’ll
  2. come in straight .

Francis

13 - 15
  1. Sirrah , here will be the Prince and Master Poins anon , and
  2. they will put on two of our jerkins and aprons , and Sir John
  3. must not know of it . Bardolph hath brought word .

Third Drawer

16 - 17
  1. By the mass , here will be old utis , it will be an excellent
  2. stratagem .

Second Drawer

18
  1. I’ll see if I can find out Sneak .
  1. Exit with Third Drawer .
  1. Enter Mistress Quickly the Hostess and Doll Tearsheet .

Mistress Quickly

19 - 25
  1. I’ faith , sweet heart , methinks now you are in an excellent
  2. good temperality . Your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as
  3. heart would desire , and your color , I warrant you , is as red
  4. as any rose , in good truth law ! But , i’ faith , you have
  5. drunk too much canaries , and that’s a marvelous searching
  6. wine , and it perfumes the blood ere one can say , What’s
  7. this ?” How do you now ?

Doll Tearsheet

26
  1. Better than I was . Hem !

Mistress Quickly

27 - 28
  1. Why , that’s well said ; a good heart’s worth gold . Lo here
  2. comes Sir John .
  1. Enter Sir John Falstaff .

Falstaff

29 - 31
  1. Singing .
  2. When Arthur first in court ”— Empty the jordan .—
  3. Exit Francis .
  4. Singing .
  5. And was a worthy king .”
  6. How now , Mistress Doll ?

Mistress Quickly

32
  1. Sick of a calm , yea , good faith .

Falstaff

33 - 34
  1. So is all her sect ; and they be once in a calm , they are
  2. sick .

Doll Tearsheet

35 - 36
  1. A pox damn you , you muddy rascal , is that all the comfort
  2. you give me ?

Falstaff

37
  1. You make fat rascals , Mistress Doll .

Doll Tearsheet

38
  1. I make them ? Gluttony and diseases make , I make them not .

Falstaff

39 - 41
  1. If the cook help to make the gluttony , you help to make the
  2. diseases , Doll . We catch of you , Doll , we catch of you .
  3. Grant that , my poor virtue , grant that .

Doll Tearsheet

42
  1. Yea , joy , our chains and our jewels .

Falstaff

43 - 46
  1. Your brooches , pearls , and ouches .” For to serve bravely is
  2. to come halting off , you know ; to come off the breach with
  3. his pike bent bravely , and to surgery bravely ; to venture
  4. upon the charg’d chambers bravely

Doll Tearsheet

47
  1. Hang yourself , you muddy conger , hang yourself !

Mistress Quickly

48 - 53
  1. By my troth , this is the old fashion , you two never meet but
  2. you fall to some discord . You are both , i’ good truth , as
  3. rheumatic as two dry toasts , you cannot one bear with
  4. another’s confirmities . What the good - year ! One must bear ,
  5. and that must be you , you are the weaker vessel , as they
  6. say , the emptier vessel .

Doll Tearsheet

54 - 59
  1. Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead ?
  2. There’s a whole merchant’s venture of Bordeaux stuff in him ,
  3. you have not seen a hulk better stuff’d in the hold . Come ,
  4. I’ll be friends with thee , Jack . Thou art going to the wars ,
  5. and whether I shall ever see thee again or no , there is
  6. nobody cares .
  1. Enter Drawer Francis .

Francis

60
  1. Sir , Ancient Pistol’s below , and would speak with you .

Doll Tearsheet

61 - 62
  1. Hang him , swaggering rascal ! Let him not come hither . It is
  2. the foul - mouth’d’st rogue in England .

Mistress Quickly

63 - 67
  1. If he swagger , let him not come here . No , by my faith , I
  2. must live among my neighbors ; I’ll no swaggerers , I am in
  3. good name and fame with the very best . Shut the door , there
  4. comes no swaggerers here ; I have not liv’d all this while to
  5. have swaggering now . Shut the door , I pray you .

Falstaff

68
  1. Dost thou hear , hostess ?

Mistress Quickly

69 - 70
  1. Pray ye pacify yourself , Sir John . There comes no swaggerers
  2. here .

Falstaff

71
  1. Dost thou hear ? It is mine ancient .

Mistress Quickly

72 - 83
  1. Tilly - fally , Sir John , ne’er tell me ; and your ancient
  2. swagger , ’a comes not in my doors . I was before Master
  3. Tisick , the debuty , t’ other day , and , as he said to
  4. me ’twas no longer ago than Wed’sday last , i’ good faith
  5. Neighbor Quickly ,” says he Master Dumbe , our minister , was
  6. by then Neighbor Quickly ,” says he , receive those that
  7. are civil , for ,” said he , you are in an ill name .” Now ’a
  8. said so , I can tell whereupon . For ,” says he , you are an
  9. honest woman , and well thought on , therefore take heed what
  10. guests you receive . Receive ,” says he , no swaggering
  11. companions .” There comes none here . You would bless you to
  12. hear what he said . No , I’ll no swagg’rers .

Falstaff

84 - 87
  1. He’s no swagg’rer , hostess , a tame cheater , i’ faith , you
  2. may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound . He’ll not
  3. swagger with a Barbary hen , if her feathers turn back in any
  4. show of resistance . Call him up , drawer .
  1. Exit Francis .

Mistress Quickly

88 - 91
  1. Cheater , call you him ? I will bar no honest man my house ,
  2. nor no cheater , but I do not love swaggering , by my troth . I
  3. am the worse when one says swagger . Feel , masters , how I
  4. shake , look you , I warrant you .

Doll Tearsheet

92
  1. So you do , hostess .

Mistress Quickly

93 - 94
  1. Do I ? Yea , in very truth , do I , and ’twere an aspen leaf . I
  2. cannot abide swagg’rers .
  1. Enter Ancient Pistol and Bardolph and Boy Page .

Pistol

95
  1. God save you , Sir John !

Falstaff

96 - 97
  1. Welcome , Ancient Pistol . Here , Pistol , I charge you with a
  2. cup of sack , do you discharge upon mine hostess .

Pistol

98
  1. I will discharge upon her , Sir John , with two bullets .

Falstaff

99
  1. She is pistol - proof , sir ; you shall not hardly offend her .

Mistress Quickly

100 - 101
  1. Come , I’ll drink no proofs nor no bullets . I’ll drink no
  2. more than will do me good , for no man’s pleasure , I .

Pistol

102
  1. Then to you , Mistress Dorothy , I will charge you .

Doll Tearsheet

103 - 105
  1. Charge me ? I scorn you , scurvy companion . What , you poor ,
  2. base , rascally , cheating , lack - linen mate ! Away , you moldy
  3. rogue , away ! I am meat for your master .

Pistol

106
  1. I know you , Mistress Dorothy .

Doll Tearsheet

107 - 111
  1. Away , you cutpurse rascal ! You filthy bung , away ! By this
  2. wine , I’ll thrust my knife in your moldy chaps , and you play
  3. the saucy cuttle with me . Away , you bottle - ale rascal ! You
  4. basket - hilt stale juggler , you ! Since when , I pray you , sir ?
  5. God’s light , with two points on your shoulder ? Much !

Pistol

112
  1. God let me not live , but I will murder your ruff for this .

Falstaff

113 - 114
  1. No more , Pistol , I would not have you go off here . Discharge
  2. yourself of our company , Pistol .

Mistress Quickly

115
  1. No , good Captain Pistol , not here , sweet captain .

Doll Tearsheet

116 - 125
  1. Captain ? Thou abominable damn’d cheater , art thou not
  2. asham’d to be call’d captain ? And captains were of my mind ,
  3. they would truncheon you out for taking their names upon you
  4. before you have earn’d them . You a captain ! You slave , for
  5. what ? For tearing a poor whore’s ruff in a bawdy - house ? He a
  6. captain ! Hang him , rogue ! He lives upon moldy stew’d prunes
  7. and dried cakes . A captain ! God’s light , these villains will
  8. make the word as odious as the word occupy ,” which was an
  9. excellent good word before it was ill sorted ; therefore
  10. captains had need look to’t .

Bardolph

126
  1. Pray thee go down , good ancient .

Falstaff

127
  1. Hark thee hither , Mistress Doll .

Pistol

128 - 129
  1. Not I . I tell thee what , Corporal Bardolph , I could tear
  2. her . I’ll be reveng’d of her .

Falstaff’s Page

130
  1. Pray thee go down .

Pistol

131 - 134
  1. I’ll see her damn’d first , to Pluto’s damned lake , by this
  2. hand , to th’ infernal deep , with Erebus and tortures vile
  3. also . Hold hook and line , say I . Down , down , dogs ! Down ,
  4. faitors ! Have we not Hiren here ?
  1. Draws his sword .

Mistress Quickly

135 - 136
  1. Good Captain Peesel , be quiet , ’tis very late , i’ faith . I
  2. beseek you now , aggravate your choler .

Pistol

137 - 143
  1. These be good humors indeed ! Shall pack - horses
  2. And hollow pamper’d jades of Asia ,
  3. Which cannot go but thirty mile a day ,
  4. Compare with Caesars and with Cannibals
  5. And Troiant Greeks ? Nay , rather damn them with
  6. King Cerberus , and let the welkin roar .
  7. Shall we fall foul for toys ?

Mistress Quickly

144
  1. By my troth , captain , these are very bitter words .

Bardolph

145
  1. Be gone , good ancient . This will grow to a brawl anon .

Pistol

146 - 147
  1. Die men like dogs ! Give crowns like pins ! Have we not Hiren
  2. here ?

Mistress Quickly

148
  1. A’ my word , captain , there’s none such here . What the good - year , do you think I would deny her ? For God’s sake be quiet .

Pistol

149 - 154
  1. Then feed and be fat , my fair Calipolis .
  2. Come give ’s some sack .
  3. Si fortune me tormente , sperato me contento .”
  4. Fear we broadsides ? No , let the fiend give fire .
  5. Give me some sack , and , sweet heart , lie thou there .
  6. Laying down his sword .
  7. Come we to full points here ? And are etceteras no things ?

Falstaff

155
  1. Pistol , I would be quiet .

Pistol

156 - 157
  1. Sweet knight , I kiss thy neaf . What ! We have seen the seven
  2. stars .

Doll Tearsheet

158 - 159
  1. For God’s sake thrust him down stairs . I cannot endure such
  2. a fustian rascal .

Pistol

160
  1. Thrust him down stairs ! Know we not Galloway nags ?

Falstaff

161 - 163
  1. Quoit him down , Bardolph , like a shove - groat shilling . Nay ,
  2. and ’a do nothing but speak nothing , ’a shall be nothing
  3. here .

Bardolph

164
  1. Come , get you down stairs .

Pistol

165 - 168
  1. What ? Shall we have incision ? Shall we imbrue ?
  2. Snatching up his sword .
  3. Then death rock me asleep , abridge my doleful days !
  4. Why then let grievous , ghastly , gaping wounds
  5. Untwind the Sisters Three ! Come , Atropos , I say !

Mistress Quickly

169
  1. Here’s goodly stuff toward !

Falstaff

170
  1. Give me my rapier , boy .

Doll Tearsheet

171
  1. I pray thee , Jack , I pray thee do not draw .

Falstaff

172
  1. Get you down stairs .
  1. Drawing , and driving Pistol out .

Mistress Quickly

173 - 176
  1. Here’s a goodly tumult ! I’ll forswear keeping house afore
  2. I’ll be in these tirrits and frights . So ! Murder , I warrant
  3. now . Alas , alas , put up your naked weapons , put up your
  4. naked weapons .
  1. Exeunt Pistol and Bardolph .

Doll Tearsheet

177 - 178
  1. I pray thee , Jack , be quiet , the rascal’s gone . Ah , you
  2. whoreson little valiant villain , you !

Mistress Quickly

179 - 180
  1. Are you not hurt i’ th’ groin ? Methought ’a made a shrewd
  2. thrust at your belly .
  1. Enter Bardolph .

Falstaff

181
  1. Have you turn’d him out a’ doors ?

Bardolph

182 - 183
  1. Yea , sir . The rascal’s drunk ; you have hurt him , sir , i’ th’
  2. shoulder .

Falstaff

184
  1. A rascal ! To brave me ?

Doll Tearsheet

185 - 189
  1. Ah , you sweet little rogue , you ! Alas , poor ape , how thou
  2. sweat’st ! Come let me wipe thy face . Come on , you whoreson
  3. chops . Ah , rogue ! I’ faith , I love thee . Thou art as
  4. valorous as Hector of Troy , worth five of Agamemnon , and ten
  5. times better than the Nine Worthies . Ah , villain !

Falstaff

190
  1. Ah , rascally slave ! I will toss the rogue in a blanket .

Doll Tearsheet

191 - 192
  1. Do , and thou dar’st for thy heart . And thou dost , I’ll
  2. canvass thee between a pair of sheets .
  1. Enter Sneak and other musicians .

Falstaff’s Page

193
  1. The music is come , sir .

Falstaff

194 - 195
  1. Let them play . Play , sirs . Sit on my knee , Doll . A rascal
  2. bragging slave ! The rogue fled from me like quicksilver .

Doll Tearsheet

196 - 199
  1. I’ faith , and thou follow’dst him like a church . Thou
  2. whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar - pig , when wilt thou
  3. leave fighting a’ days and foining a’ nights , and begin to
  4. patch up thine old body for heaven ?
  1. Enter , behind , Prince Henry and Poins , disguised .

Falstaff

200 - 201
  1. Peace , good Doll , do not speak like a death’s - head , do not
  2. bid me remember mine end .

Doll Tearsheet

202
  1. Sirrah , what humor’s the Prince of ?

Falstaff

203 - 204
  1. A good shallow young fellow . ’A would have made a good
  2. pantler , ’a would ’a’ chipp’d bread well .

Doll Tearsheet

205
  1. They say Poins has a good wit .

Falstaff

206 - 208
  1. He a good wit ? Hang him , baboon ! His wit’s as thick as
  2. Tewksbury mustard , there’s no more conceit in him than is in
  3. a mallet .

Doll Tearsheet

209
  1. Why does the Prince love him so then ?

Falstaff

210 - 219
  1. Because their legs are both of a bigness , and ’a plays at
  2. quoits well , and eats conger and fennel , and drinks off
  3. candles’ ends for flap - dragons , and rides the wild - mare with
  4. the boys , and jumps upon join’d - stools , and swears with a
  5. good grace , and wears his boots very smooth , like unto the
  6. sign of the Leg , and breeds no bate with telling of discreet
  7. stories ; and such other gambol faculties ’a has , that show a
  8. weak mind and an able body , for the which the Prince admits
  9. him . For the Prince himself is such another , the weight of a
  10. hair will turn scales between their avoirdupois .

Prince Henry

220
  1. Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off ?

Poins

221
  1. Let’s beat him before his whore .

Prince Henry

222 - 223
  1. Look whe’er the wither’d elder hath not his pole claw’d like
  2. a parrot .

Poins

224 - 225
  1. Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive
  2. performance ?

Falstaff

226
  1. Kiss me , Doll .

Prince Henry

227 - 228
  1. Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction ! What says th’
  2. almanac to that ?

Poins

229 - 231
  1. And look whether the fiery Trigon , his man , be not lisping
  2. to his master’s old tables , his note - book , his
  3. counsel - keeper .

Falstaff

232
  1. Thou dost give me flattering busses .

Doll Tearsheet

233
  1. By my troth , I kiss thee with a most constant heart .

Falstaff

234
  1. I am old , I am old .

Doll Tearsheet

235 - 236
  1. I love thee better than I love e’er a scurvy young boy of
  2. them all .

Falstaff

237 - 239
  1. What stuff wilt have a kirtle of ? I shall receive money a’
  2. Thursday , shalt have a cap tomorrow . A merry song ! Come , it
  3. grows late , we’ll to bed . Thou’t forget me when I am gone .

Doll Tearsheet

240 - 242
  1. By my troth , thou’t set me a - weeping and thou say’st so .
  2. Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy
  3. return well , hearken a’ th’ end .

Falstaff

243
  1. Some sack , Francis .

Both Prince and Poins

244
  1. Anon , anon , sir .
  1. Coming forward .

Falstaff

245 - 246
  1. Ha ? A bastard son of the King’s ? And art not thou Poins his
  2. brother ?

Prince Henry

247 - 248
  1. Why , thou globe of sinful continents , what a life dost thou
  2. lead ?

Falstaff

249
  1. A better than thou : I am a gentleman , thou art a drawer .

Prince Henry

250
  1. Very true , sir , and I come to draw you out by the ears .

Mistress Quickly

251 - 253
  1. O , the Lord preserve thy Grace ! By my troth , welcome to
  2. London . Now , the Lord bless that sweet face of thine ! O
  3. Jesu , are you come from Wales ?

Falstaff

254 - 255
  1. Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty , by this light flesh
  2. and corrupt blood , thou art welcome .

Doll Tearsheet

256
  1. How ? You fat fool , I scorn you .

Poins

257 - 258
  1. My lord , he will drive you out of your revenge and turn all
  2. to a merriment , if you take not the heat .

Prince Henry

259 - 260
  1. You whoreson candle - mine , you , how vildly did you speak of
  2. me even now before this honest , virtuous , civil gentlewoman !

Mistress Quickly

261 - 262
  1. God’s blessing of your good heart ! And so she is , by my
  2. troth .

Falstaff

263
  1. Didst thou hear me ?

Prince Henry

264 - 266
  1. Yea , and you knew me , as you did when you ran away by
  2. Gadshill . You knew I was at your back , and spoke it on
  3. purpose to try my patience .

Falstaff

267 - 268
  1. No , no , no , not so , I did not think thou wast within
  2. hearing .

Prince Henry

269 - 270
  1. I shall drive you then to confess the willful abuse , and
  2. then I know how to handle you .

Falstaff

271
  1. No abuse , Hal , a’ mine honor , no abuse .

Prince Henry

272 - 273
  1. Not to dispraise me , and call me pantler and bread - chipper ,
  2. and I know not what ?

Falstaff

274
  1. No abuse , Hal .

Poins

275
  1. No abuse ?

Falstaff

276 - 281
  1. No abuse , Ned , i’ th’ world , honest Ned , none . I disprais’d
  2. him before the wicked , that the wicked turns to the Prince
  3. might not fall in love with thee ; in which doing , I have
  4. done the part of a careful friend and a true subject , and
  5. thy father is to give me thanks for it . No abuse , Hal ; none ,
  6. Ned , none ; no , faith , boys , none .

Prince Henry

282 - 286
  1. See now whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth not make
  2. thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close with us . Is
  3. she of the wicked ? Is thine hostess here of the wicked ? Or
  4. is thy boy of the wicked ? Or honest Bardolph , whose zeal
  5. burns in his nose , of the wicked ?

Poins

287
  1. Answer , thou dead elm , answer .

Falstaff

288 - 291
  1. The fiend hath prick’d down Bardolph irrecoverable , and his
  2. face is Lucifer’s privy - kitchen , where he doth nothing but
  3. roast malt - worms . For the boy , there is a good angel about
  4. him , but the devil blinds him too .

Prince Henry

292
  1. For the women ?

Falstaff

293 - 295
  1. For one of them , she’s in hell already , and burns poor
  2. souls ; for th’ other , I owe her money , and whether she be
  3. damn’d for that , I know not .

Mistress Quickly

296
  1. No , I warrant you .

Falstaff

297 - 300
  1. No , I think thou art not , I think thou art quit for that .
  2. Marry , there is another indictment upon thee , for suffering
  3. flesh to be eaten in thy house , contrary to the law , for the
  4. which I think thou wilt howl .

Mistress Quickly

301 - 302
  1. All vict’lers do so . What’s a joint of mutton or two in a
  2. whole Lent ?

Prince Henry

303
  1. You , gentlewoman

Doll Tearsheet

304
  1. What says your Grace ?

Falstaff

305
  1. His grace says that which his flesh rebels against .
  1. Peto knocks at door .

Mistress Quickly

306
  1. Who knocks so loud at door ? Look to th’ door there , Francis .
  1. Enter Peto .

Prince Henry

307
  1. Peto , how now , what news ?

Peto

308 - 313
  1. The King your father is at Westminster ,
  2. And there are twenty weak and wearied posts
  3. Come from the north , and as I came along
  4. I met and overtook a dozen captains ,
  5. Bare - headed , sweating , knocking at the taverns ,
  6. And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff .

Prince Henry

314 - 319
  1. By heaven , Poins , I feel me much to blame
  2. So idly to profane the precious time ,
  3. When tempest of commotion , like the south
  4. Borne with black vapor , doth begin to melt
  5. And drop upon our bare unarmed heads .
  6. Give me my sword and cloak . Falstaff , good night .
  1. Exeunt Prince and Poins , Peto and Bardolph .

Falstaff

320 - 323
  1. Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night , and we must
  2. hence and leave it unpick’d .
  3. Knocking within .
  4. More knocking at the door !
  5. Enter Bardolph .
  6. How now , what’s the matter ?

Bardolph

324 - 325
  1. You must away to court , sir , presently ,
  2. A dozen captains stay at door for you .

Falstaff

326 - 330
  1. To the Page .
  2. Pay the musicians , sirrah . Farewell , hostess , farewell ,
  3. Doll . You see , my good wenches , how men of merit are sought
  4. after . The undeserver may sleep when the man of action is
  5. call’d on . Farewell , good wenches , if I be not sent away
  6. post , I will see you again ere I go .

Doll Tearsheet

331 - 332
  1. I cannot speak . If my heart be not ready to burst well ,
  2. sweet Jack , have a care of thyself .

Falstaff

333
  1. Farewell , farewell .
  1. Exit with Bardolph and Page .

Mistress Quickly

334 - 336
  1. Well , fare thee well . I have known thee these twenty - nine
  2. years , come peascod - time , but an honester and truer - hearted
  3. man well , fare thee well .

Bardolph

337
  1. Within .
  2. Mistress Tearsheet !

Mistress Quickly

338
  1. What’s the matter ?

Bardolph

339
  1. Within .
  2. Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master .

Mistress Quickly

340 - 341
  1. O , run , Doll , run , run , good Doll . Come .
  2. To Bardolph .
  3. She comes blubber’d .— Yea ! Will you come , Doll ?
  1. Exeunt .
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