Henry IV, Pt. 2
Act 1, Scene 2
London. A street.
- Enter Sir John Falstaff alone, with his Page, following
- behind, bearing his sword and buckler.
- Sirrah, you giant, what says the doctor to my water?
Falstaff’s Page4 - 6
- He said, sir, the water itself was a good healthy water, but
- for the party that ow’d it, he might have more diseases than
- he knew for.
Falstaff7 - 29
- Men of all sorts take a pride to gird at me. The brain of
- this foolish-compounded clay, man, is not able to invent any
- thing that intends to laughter more than I invent or is
- invented on me: I am not only witty in myself, but the cause
- that wit is in other men. I do here walk before thee like a
- sow that hath overwhelm’d all her litter but one. If the
- Prince put thee into my service for any other reason than to
- set me off, why then I have no judgment. Thou whoreson
- mandrake, thou art fitter to be worn in my cap than to wait
- at my heels. I was never mann’d with an agot till now, but I
- will inset you neither in gold nor silver, but in vile
- apparel, and send you back again to your master for a
- jewel—the juvenal, the Prince your master, whose chin is not
- yet fledge. I will sooner have a beard grow in the palm of
- my hand than he shall get one of his cheek, and yet he will
- not stick to say his face is a face royal. God may finish it
- when he will, ’tis not a hair amiss yet. He may keep it
- still at a face royal, for a barber shall never earn
- sixpence out of it; and yet he’ll be crowing as if he had
- writ man ever since his father was a bachelor. He may keep
- his own grace, but he’s almost out of mine, I can assure
- him. What said Master Dommelton about the satin for my short
- cloak and my slops?
Falstaff’s Page30 - 32
- He said, sir, you should procure him better assurance than
- Bardolph. He would not take his bond and yours, he lik’d not
- the security.
Falstaff33 - 46
- Let him be damn’d like the glutton! Pray God his tongue be
- hotter! A whoreson Achitophel! A rascally yea-forsooth
- knave, to bear a gentleman in hand, and then stand upon
- security! The whoreson smoothy-pates do now wear nothing but
- high shoes, and bunches of keys at their girdles, and if a
- man is through with them in honest taking up, then they must
- stand upon security. I had as live they would put ratsbane
- in my mouth as offer to stop it with security. I look’d ’a
- should have sent me two and twenty yards of satin (as I am a
- true knight), and he sends me security! Well, he may sleep
- in security, for he hath the horn of abundance, and the
- lightness of his wife shines through it; and yet cannot he
- see, though he have his own lantern to light him. Where’s
- He’s gone into Smithfield to buy your worship a horse.
Falstaff48 - 50
- I bought him in Paul’s, and he’ll buy me a horse in
- Smithfield; and I could get me but a wife in the stews, I
- were mann’d, hors’d, and wiv’d.
- Enter Lord Chief Justice and Servant.
Falstaff’s Page52 - 53
- Sir, here comes the nobleman that committed the Prince for
- striking him about Bardolph.
- Wait close, I will not see him.
Lord Chief Justice55
- What’s he that goes there?
Servant to the Lord Chief Justice56
- Falstaff, and’t please your lordship.
Lord Chief Justice57
- He that was in question for the robb’ry?
Servant to the Lord Chief Justice58 - 60
- He, my lord, but he hath since done good service at
- Shrewsbury, and (as I hear) is now going with some charge to
- the Lord John of Lancaster.
Lord Chief Justice61
- What, to York? Call him back again.
Servant to the Lord Chief Justice62
- Sir John Falstaff!
- Boy, tell him I am deaf.
- You must speak louder, my master is deaf.
Lord Chief Justice65 - 66
- I am sure he is, to the hearing of any thing good. Go pluck
- him by the elbow, I must speak with him.
Servant to the Lord Chief Justice67
- Sir John!
Falstaff68 - 73
- What? A young knave, and begging? Is there not wars? Is
- there not employment? Doth not the King lack subjects? Do
- not the rebels need soldiers? Though it be a shame to be on
- any side but one, it is worse shame to beg than to be on the
- worst side, were it worse than the name of rebellion can
- tell how to make it.
Servant to the Lord Chief Justice74
- You mistake me, sir.
Falstaff75 - 77
- Why, sir, did I say you were an honest man? Setting my
- knighthood and my soldiership aside, I had lied in my throat
- if I had said so.
Servant to the Lord Chief Justice78 - 80
- I pray you, sir, then set your knighthood and your
- soldiership aside, and give me leave to tell you you lie in
- your throat if you say I am any other than an honest man.
Falstaff81 - 84
- I give thee leave to tell me so? I lay aside that which
- grows to me? If thou get’st any leave of me, hang me; if
- thou tak’st leave, thou wert better be hang’d. You hunt
- counter, hence, avaunt!
Servant to the Lord Chief Justice85
- Sir, my lord would speak with you.
Lord Chief Justice86
- Sir John Falstaff, a word with you.
Falstaff87 - 93
- My good lord! God give your lordship good time of day. I am
- glad to see your lordship abroad. I heard say your lordship
- was sick, I hope your lordship goes abroad by advice. Your
- lordship, though not clean past your youth, have yet some
- smack of an ague in you, some relish of the saltness of time
- in you, and I most humbly beseech your lordship to have a
- reverend care of your health.
Lord Chief Justice94 - 95
- Sir John, I sent for you before your expedition to
Falstaff96 - 97
- And’t please your lordship, I hear his Majesty is return’d
- with some discomfort from Wales.
Lord Chief Justice98 - 99
- I talk not of his Majesty. You would not come when I sent
- for you.
Falstaff100 - 101
- And I hear, moreover, his Highness is fall’n into this same
- whoreson apoplexy.
Lord Chief Justice102
- Well, God mend him! I pray you let me speak with you.
Falstaff103 - 105
- This apoplexy, as I take it, is a kind of lethargy, and’t
- please your lordship, a kind of sleeping in the blood, a
- whoreson tingling.
Lord Chief Justice106
- What tell you me of it? Be it as it is.
Falstaff107 - 109
- It hath it original from much grief, from study, and
- perturbation of the brain. I have read the cause of his
- effects in Galen, it is a kind of deafness.
Lord Chief Justice110 - 111
- I think you are fall’n into the disease, for you hear not
- what I say to you.
Falstaff112 - 114
- Very well, my lord, very well. Rather, and’t please you, it
- is the disease of not list’ning, the malady of not marking,
- that I am troubled withal.
Lord Chief Justice115 - 116
- To punish you by the heels would amend the attention of your
- ears, and I care not if I do become your physician.
Falstaff117 - 121
- I am as poor as Job, my lord, but not so patient. Your
- lordship may minister the potion of imprisonment to me in
- respect of poverty, but how I should be your patient to
- follow your prescriptions, the wise may make some dram of a
- scruple, or indeed a scruple itself.
Lord Chief Justice122 - 123
- I sent for you, when there were matters against you for your
- life, to come speak with me.
Falstaff124 - 125
- As I was then advis’d by my learned counsel in the laws of
- this land-service, I did not come.
Lord Chief Justice126
- Well, the truth is, Sir John, you live in great infamy.
- He that buckles himself in my belt cannot live in less.
Lord Chief Justice128
- Your means are very slender, and your waste is great.
Falstaff129 - 130
- I would it were otherwise, I would my means were greater and
- my waist slenderer.
Lord Chief Justice131
- You have misled the youthful prince.
Falstaff132 - 133
- The young prince hath misled me. I am the fellow with the
- great belly, and he my dog.
Lord Chief Justice134 - 137
- Well, I am loath to gall a new-heal’d wound. Your day’s
- service at Shrewsbury hath a little gilded over your night’s
- exploit on Gadshill. You may thank th’ unquiet time for your
- quiet o’erposting that action.
- My lord?
Lord Chief Justice139
- But since all is well, keep it so, wake not a sleeping wolf.
- To wake a wolf is as bad as smell a fox.
Lord Chief Justice141
- What, you are as a candle, the better part burnt out.
Falstaff142 - 143
- A wassail candle, my lord, all tallow; if I did say of wax,
- my growth would approve the truth.
Lord Chief Justice144 - 145
- There is not a white hair in your face but should have his
- effect of gravity.
- His effect of gravy, gravy, gravy.
Lord Chief Justice147
- You follow the young prince up and down, like his ill angel.
Falstaff148 - 159
- Not so, my lord. Your ill angel is light, but I hope he that
- looks upon me will take me without weighing, and yet in some
- respects I grant I cannot go. I cannot tell. Virtue is of so
- little regard in these costermongers’ times that true valor
- is turn’d berrord; pregnancy is made a tapster, and his
- quick wit wasted in giving reckonings; all the other gifts
- appertinent to man, as the malice of this age shapes them,
- are not worth a gooseberry. You that are old consider not
- the capacities of us that are young, you do measure the heat
- of our livers with the bitterness of your galls; and we that
- are in the vaward of our youth, I must confess, are wags
Lord Chief Justice160 - 166
- Do you set down your name in the scroll of youth, that are
- written down old with all the characters of age? Have you
- not a moist eye, a dry hand, a yellow cheek, a white beard,
- a decreasing leg, an increasing belly? Is not your voice
- broken, your wind short, your chin double, your wit single,
- and every part about you blasted with antiquity? And will
- you yet call yourself young? Fie, fie, fie, Sir John!
Falstaff167 - 179
- My lord, I was born about three of the clock in the
- afternoon, with a white head and something a round belly.
- For my voice, I have lost it with hallowing and singing of
- anthems. To approve my youth further, I will not. The truth
- is, I am only old in judgment and understanding; and he that
- will caper with me for a thousand marks, let him lend me the
- money, and have at him! For the box of the year that the
- Prince gave you, he gave it like a rude prince, and you took
- it like a sensible lord. I have check’d him for it, and the
- young lion repents,
- marry, not in ashes and sackcloth, but in new silk and old
Lord Chief Justice180
- Well, God send the Prince a better companion!
Falstaff181 - 182
- God send the companion a better prince! I cannot rid my
- hands of him.
Lord Chief Justice183 - 185
- Well, the King hath sever’d you. I hear you are going with
- Lord John of Lancaster against the Archbishop and the Earl
- of Northumberland.
Falstaff186 - 199
- Yea, I thank your pretty sweet wit for it. But look you
- pray, all you that kiss my Lady Peace at home, that our
- armies join not in a hot day! For, by the Lord, I take but
- two shirts out with me, and I mean not to sweat
- extraordinarily. If it be a hot day, and I brandish any
- thing but a bottle, I would I might never spit white again.
- There is not a dangerous action can peep out his head but I
- am thrust upon it. Well, I cannot last ever, but it was
- alway yet the trick of our English nation, if they have a
- good thing, to make it too common. If ye will needs say I am
- an old man, you should give me rest. I would to God my name
- were not so terrible to the enemy as it is. I were better to
- be eaten to death with a rust than to be scour’d to nothing
- with perpetual motion.
Lord Chief Justice200
- Well, be honest, be honest, and God bless your expedition!
Falstaff201 - 202
- Will your lordship lend me a thousand pound to furnish me
Lord Chief Justice203 - 204
- Not a penny, not a penny, you are too impatient to bear
- crosses. Fare you well! Commend me to my cousin Westmorland.
- Exeunt Chief Justice and Servant.
Falstaff206 - 210
- If I do, fillip me with a three-man beetle. A man can no
- more separate age and covetousness than ’a can part young
- limbs and lechery; but the gout galls the one, and the pox
- pinches the other, and so both the degrees prevent my
- curses. Boy!
- What money is in my purse?
- Seven groats and two pence.
Falstaff214 - 226
- I can get no remedy against this consumption of the purse;
- borrowing only lingers and lingers it out, but the disease
- is incurable. Go bear this letter to my Lord of Lancaster,
- this to the Prince, this to the Earl of Westmorland, and
- this to old Mistress Ursula, whom I have weekly sworn to
- marry since I perceiv’d the first white hair of my chin.
- About it, you know where to find me.
- Exit Page.
- A pox of this gout! Or a gout of this pox! For the one or
- the other plays the rogue with my great toe. ’Tis no matter
- if I do halt, I have the wars for my color, and my pension
- shall seem the more reasonable. A good wit will make use of
- any thing. I will turn diseases to commodity.