Henry IV, Pt. 2
Act I, Scene 2
London . A street .
- Enter Sir John Falstaff alone , with his Page , following
- behind , bearing his sword and buckler .
- Sirrah , you giant , what says the doctor to my water ?
Falstaff’s Page2 - 4
- He said , sir , the water itself was a good healthy water , but
- for the party that ow’d it , he might have more diseases than
- he knew for .
Falstaff5 - 27
- Men of all sorts take a pride to gird at me . The brain of
- this foolish - compounded clay , man , is not able to invent any
- thing that intends to laughter more than I invent or is
- invented on me : I am not only witty in myself , but the cause
- that wit is in other men . I do here walk before thee like a
- sow that hath overwhelm’d all her litter but one . If the
- Prince put thee into my service for any other reason than to
- set me off , why then I have no judgment . Thou whoreson
- mandrake , thou art fitter to be worn in my cap than to wait
- at my heels . I was never mann’d with an agot till now , but I
- will inset you neither in gold nor silver , but in vile
- apparel , and send you back again to your master for a
- jewel — the juvenal , the Prince your master , whose chin is not
- yet fledge . I will sooner have a beard grow in the palm of
- my hand than he shall get one of his cheek , and yet he will
- not stick to say his face is a face royal . God may finish it
- when he will , ’tis not a hair amiss yet . He may keep it
- still at a face royal , for a barber shall never earn
- sixpence out of it ; and yet he’ll be crowing as if he had
- writ man ever since his father was a bachelor . He may keep
- his own grace , but he’s almost out of mine , I can assure
- him . What said Master Dommelton about the satin for my short
- cloak and my slops ?
Falstaff’s Page28 - 30
- He said , sir , you should procure him better assurance than
- Bardolph . He would not take his bond and yours , he lik’d not
- the security .
Falstaff31 - 44
- Let him be damn’d like the glutton ! Pray God his tongue be
- hotter ! A whoreson Achitophel ! A rascally yea - forsooth
- knave , to bear a gentleman in hand , and then stand upon
- security ! The whoreson smoothy - pates do now wear nothing but
- high shoes , and bunches of keys at their girdles , and if a
- man is through with them in honest taking up , then they must
- stand upon security . I had as live they would put ratsbane
- in my mouth as offer to stop it with security . I look’d ’a
- should have sent me two and twenty yards of satin ( as I am a
- true knight ), and he sends me security ! Well , he may sleep
- in security , for he hath the horn of abundance , and the
- lightness of his wife shines through it ; and yet cannot he
- see , though he have his own lantern to light him . Where’s
- Bardolph ?
- He’s gone into Smithfield to buy your worship a horse .
Falstaff46 - 48
- I bought him in Paul’s , and he’ll buy me a horse in
- Smithfield ; and I could get me but a wife in the stews , I
- were mann’d , hors’d , and wiv’d .
- Enter Lord Chief Justice and Servant .
Falstaff’s Page49 - 50
- Sir , here comes the nobleman that committed the Prince for
- striking him about Bardolph .
- Wait close , I will not see him .
Lord Chief Justice52
- What’s he that goes there ?
Servant to the Lord Chief Justice53
- Falstaff , and’t please your lordship .
Lord Chief Justice54
- He that was in question for the robb’ry ?
Servant to the Lord Chief Justice55 - 57
- He , my lord , but he hath since done good service at
- Shrewsbury , and ( as I hear ) is now going with some charge to
- the Lord John of Lancaster .
Lord Chief Justice58
- What , to York ? Call him back again .
Servant to the Lord Chief Justice59
- Sir John Falstaff !
- Boy , tell him I am deaf .
- You must speak louder , my master is deaf .
Lord Chief Justice62 - 63
- I am sure he is , to the hearing of any thing good . Go pluck
- him by the elbow , I must speak with him .
Servant to the Lord Chief Justice64
- Sir John !
Falstaff65 - 70
- What ? A young knave , and begging ? Is there not wars ? Is
- there not employment ? Doth not the King lack subjects ? Do
- not the rebels need soldiers ? Though it be a shame to be on
- any side but one , it is worse shame to beg than to be on the
- worst side , were it worse than the name of rebellion can
- tell how to make it .
Servant to the Lord Chief Justice71
- You mistake me , sir .
Falstaff72 - 74
- Why , sir , did I say you were an honest man ? Setting my
- knighthood and my soldiership aside , I had lied in my throat
- if I had said so .
Servant to the Lord Chief Justice75 - 77
- I pray you , sir , then set your knighthood and your
- soldiership aside , and give me leave to tell you you lie in
- your throat if you say I am any other than an honest man .
Falstaff78 - 81
- I give thee leave to tell me so ? I lay aside that which
- grows to me ? If thou get’st any leave of me , hang me ; if
- thou tak’st leave , thou wert better be hang’d . You hunt
- counter , hence , avaunt !
Servant to the Lord Chief Justice82
- Sir , my lord would speak with you .
Lord Chief Justice83
- Sir John Falstaff , a word with you .
Falstaff84 - 90
- My good lord ! God give your lordship good time of day . I am
- glad to see your lordship abroad . I heard say your lordship
- was sick , I hope your lordship goes abroad by advice . Your
- lordship , though not clean past your youth , have yet some
- smack of an ague in you , some relish of the saltness of time
- in you , and I most humbly beseech your lordship to have a
- reverend care of your health .
Lord Chief Justice91 - 92
- Sir John , I sent for you before your expedition to
- Shrewsbury .
Falstaff93 - 94
- And’t please your lordship , I hear his Majesty is return’d
- with some discomfort from Wales .
Lord Chief Justice95 - 96
- I talk not of his Majesty . You would not come when I sent
- for you .
Falstaff97 - 98
- And I hear , moreover , his Highness is fall’n into this same
- whoreson apoplexy .
Lord Chief Justice99
- Well , God mend him ! I pray you let me speak with you .
Falstaff100 - 102
- This apoplexy , as I take it , is a kind of lethargy , and’t
- please your lordship , a kind of sleeping in the blood , a
- whoreson tingling .
Lord Chief Justice103
- What tell you me of it ? Be it as it is .
Falstaff104 - 106
- It hath it original from much grief , from study , and
- perturbation of the brain . I have read the cause of his
- effects in Galen , it is a kind of deafness .
Lord Chief Justice107 - 108
- I think you are fall’n into the disease , for you hear not
- what I say to you .
Falstaff109 - 111
- Very well , my lord , very well . Rather , and’t please you , it
- is the disease of not list’ning , the malady of not marking ,
- that I am troubled withal .
Lord Chief Justice112 - 113
- To punish you by the heels would amend the attention of your
- ears , and I care not if I do become your physician .
Falstaff114 - 118
- I am as poor as Job , my lord , but not so patient . Your
- lordship may minister the potion of imprisonment to me in
- respect of poverty , but how I should be your patient to
- follow your prescriptions , the wise may make some dram of a
- scruple , or indeed a scruple itself .
Lord Chief Justice119 - 120
- I sent for you , when there were matters against you for your
- life , to come speak with me .
Falstaff121 - 122
- As I was then advis’d by my learned counsel in the laws of
- this land - service , I did not come .
Lord Chief Justice123
- Well , the truth is , Sir John , you live in great infamy .
- He that buckles himself in my belt cannot live in less .
Lord Chief Justice125
- Your means are very slender , and your waste is great .
Falstaff126 - 127
- I would it were otherwise , I would my means were greater and
- my waist slenderer .
Lord Chief Justice128
- You have misled the youthful prince .
Falstaff129 - 130
- The young prince hath misled me . I am the fellow with the
- great belly , and he my dog .
Lord Chief Justice131 - 134
- Well , I am loath to gall a new - heal’d wound . Your day’s
- service at Shrewsbury hath a little gilded over your night’s
- exploit on Gadshill . You may thank th’ unquiet time for your
- quiet o’erposting that action .
- My lord ?
Lord Chief Justice136
- But since all is well , keep it so , wake not a sleeping wolf .
- To wake a wolf is as bad as smell a fox .
Lord Chief Justice138
- What , you are as a candle , the better part burnt out .
Falstaff139 - 140
- A wassail candle , my lord , all tallow ; if I did say of wax ,
- my growth would approve the truth .
Lord Chief Justice141 - 142
- There is not a white hair in your face but should have his
- effect of gravity .
- His effect of gravy , gravy , gravy .
Lord Chief Justice144
- You follow the young prince up and down , like his ill angel .
Falstaff145 - 156
- Not so , my lord . Your ill angel is light , but I hope he that
- looks upon me will take me without weighing , and yet in some
- respects I grant I cannot go . I cannot tell . Virtue is of so
- little regard in these costermongers’ times that true valor
- is turn’d berrord ; pregnancy is made a tapster , and his
- quick wit wasted in giving reckonings ; all the other gifts
- appertinent to man , as the malice of this age shapes them ,
- are not worth a gooseberry . You that are old consider not
- the capacities of us that are young , you do measure the heat
- of our livers with the bitterness of your galls ; and we that
- are in the vaward of our youth , I must confess , are wags
- too .
Lord Chief Justice157 - 163
- Do you set down your name in the scroll of youth , that are
- written down old with all the characters of age ? Have you
- not a moist eye , a dry hand , a yellow cheek , a white beard ,
- a decreasing leg , an increasing belly ? Is not your voice
- broken , your wind short , your chin double , your wit single ,
- and every part about you blasted with antiquity ? And will
- you yet call yourself young ? Fie , fie , fie , Sir John !
Falstaff164 - 175
- My lord , I was born about three of the clock in the
- afternoon , with a white head and something a round belly .
- For my voice , I have lost it with hallowing and singing of
- anthems . To approve my youth further , I will not . The truth
- is , I am only old in judgment and understanding ; and he that
- will caper with me for a thousand marks , let him lend me the
- money , and have at him ! For the box of the year that the
- Prince gave you , he gave it like a rude prince , and you took
- it like a sensible lord . I have check’d him for it , and the
- young lion repents ,
- Aside .
- marry , not in ashes and sackcloth , but in new silk and old
- sack .
Lord Chief Justice176
- Well , God send the Prince a better companion !
Falstaff177 - 178
- God send the companion a better prince ! I cannot rid my
- hands of him .
Lord Chief Justice179 - 181
- Well , the King hath sever’d you . I hear you are going with
- Lord John of Lancaster against the Archbishop and the Earl
- of Northumberland .
Falstaff182 - 195
- Yea , I thank your pretty sweet wit for it . But look you
- pray , all you that kiss my Lady Peace at home , that our
- armies join not in a hot day ! For , by the Lord , I take but
- two shirts out with me , and I mean not to sweat
- extraordinarily . If it be a hot day , and I brandish any
- thing but a bottle , I would I might never spit white again .
- There is not a dangerous action can peep out his head but I
- am thrust upon it . Well , I cannot last ever , but it was
- alway yet the trick of our English nation , if they have a
- good thing , to make it too common . If ye will needs say I am
- an old man , you should give me rest . I would to God my name
- were not so terrible to the enemy as it is . I were better to
- be eaten to death with a rust than to be scour’d to nothing
- with perpetual motion .
Lord Chief Justice196
- Well , be honest , be honest , and God bless your expedition !
Falstaff197 - 198
- Will your lordship lend me a thousand pound to furnish me
- forth ?
Lord Chief Justice199 - 200
- Not a penny , not a penny , you are too impatient to bear
- crosses . Fare you well ! Commend me to my cousin Westmorland .
- Exeunt Chief Justice and Servant .
Falstaff201 - 205
- If I do , fillip me with a three - man beetle . A man can no
- more separate age and covetousness than ’a can part young
- limbs and lechery ; but the gout galls the one , and the pox
- pinches the other , and so both the degrees prevent my
- curses . Boy !
- Sir ?
- What money is in my purse ?
- Seven groats and two pence .
Falstaff209 - 220
- I can get no remedy against this consumption of the purse ;
- borrowing only lingers and lingers it out , but the disease
- is incurable . Go bear this letter to my Lord of Lancaster ,
- this to the Prince , this to the Earl of Westmorland , and
- this to old Mistress Ursula , whom I have weekly sworn to
- marry since I perceiv’d the first white hair of my chin .
- About it , you know where to find me .
- Exit Page .
- A pox of this gout ! Or a gout of this pox ! For the one or
- the other plays the rogue with my great toe . ’Tis no matter
- if I do halt , I have the wars for my color , and my pension
- shall seem the more reasonable . A good wit will make use of
- any thing . I will turn diseases to commodity .
- Exit .