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Henry IV, Pt. 2: Act I, Scene 2

Henry IV, Pt. 2
Act I, Scene 2

London . A street .

  1. Enter Sir John Falstaff alone , with his Page , following
  2. behind , bearing his sword and buckler .

Falstaff

1
  1. Sirrah , you giant , what says the doctor to my water ?

Falstaff’s Page

2 - 4
  1. He said , sir , the water itself was a good healthy water , but
  2. for the party that ow’d it , he might have more diseases than
  3. he knew for .

Falstaff

5 - 27
  1. Men of all sorts take a pride to gird at me . The brain of
  2. this foolish - compounded clay , man , is not able to invent any
  3. thing that intends to laughter more than I invent or is
  4. invented on me : I am not only witty in myself , but the cause
  5. that wit is in other men . I do here walk before thee like a
  6. sow that hath overwhelm’d all her litter but one . If the
  7. Prince put thee into my service for any other reason than to
  8. set me off , why then I have no judgment . Thou whoreson
  9. mandrake , thou art fitter to be worn in my cap than to wait
  10. at my heels . I was never mann’d with an agot till now , but I
  11. will inset you neither in gold nor silver , but in vile
  12. apparel , and send you back again to your master for a
  13. jewel the juvenal , the Prince your master , whose chin is not
  14. yet fledge . I will sooner have a beard grow in the palm of
  15. my hand than he shall get one of his cheek , and yet he will
  16. not stick to say his face is a face royal . God may finish it
  17. when he will , ’tis not a hair amiss yet . He may keep it
  18. still at a face royal , for a barber shall never earn
  19. sixpence out of it ; and yet he’ll be crowing as if he had
  20. writ man ever since his father was a bachelor . He may keep
  21. his own grace , but he’s almost out of mine , I can assure
  22. him . What said Master Dommelton about the satin for my short
  23. cloak and my slops ?

Falstaff’s Page

28 - 30
  1. He said , sir , you should procure him better assurance than
  2. Bardolph . He would not take his bond and yours , he lik’d not
  3. the security .

Falstaff

31 - 44
  1. Let him be damn’d like the glutton ! Pray God his tongue be
  2. hotter ! A whoreson Achitophel ! A rascally yea - forsooth
  3. knave , to bear a gentleman in hand , and then stand upon
  4. security ! The whoreson smoothy - pates do now wear nothing but
  5. high shoes , and bunches of keys at their girdles , and if a
  6. man is through with them in honest taking up , then they must
  7. stand upon security . I had as live they would put ratsbane
  8. in my mouth as offer to stop it with security . I look’d ’a
  9. should have sent me two and twenty yards of satin ( as I am a
  10. true knight ), and he sends me security ! Well , he may sleep
  11. in security , for he hath the horn of abundance , and the
  12. lightness of his wife shines through it ; and yet cannot he
  13. see , though he have his own lantern to light him . Where’s
  14. Bardolph ?

Falstaff’s Page

45
  1. He’s gone into Smithfield to buy your worship a horse .

Falstaff

46 - 48
  1. I bought him in Paul’s , and he’ll buy me a horse in
  2. Smithfield ; and I could get me but a wife in the stews , I
  3. were mann’d , hors’d , and wiv’d .
  1. Enter Lord Chief Justice and Servant .

Falstaff’s Page

49 - 50
  1. Sir , here comes the nobleman that committed the Prince for
  2. striking him about Bardolph .

Falstaff

51
  1. Wait close , I will not see him .

Lord Chief Justice

52
  1. What’s he that goes there ?

Servant to the Lord Chief Justice

53
  1. Falstaff , and’t please your lordship .

Lord Chief Justice

54
  1. He that was in question for the robb’ry ?

Servant to the Lord Chief Justice

55 - 57
  1. He , my lord , but he hath since done good service at
  2. Shrewsbury , and ( as I hear ) is now going with some charge to
  3. the Lord John of Lancaster .

Lord Chief Justice

58
  1. What , to York ? Call him back again .

Servant to the Lord Chief Justice

59
  1. Sir John Falstaff !

Falstaff

60
  1. Boy , tell him I am deaf .

Falstaff’s Page

61
  1. You must speak louder , my master is deaf .

Lord Chief Justice

62 - 63
  1. I am sure he is , to the hearing of any thing good . Go pluck
  2. him by the elbow , I must speak with him .

Servant to the Lord Chief Justice

64
  1. Sir John !

Falstaff

65 - 70
  1. What ? A young knave , and begging ? Is there not wars ? Is
  2. there not employment ? Doth not the King lack subjects ? Do
  3. not the rebels need soldiers ? Though it be a shame to be on
  4. any side but one , it is worse shame to beg than to be on the
  5. worst side , were it worse than the name of rebellion can
  6. tell how to make it .

Servant to the Lord Chief Justice

71
  1. You mistake me , sir .

Falstaff

72 - 74
  1. Why , sir , did I say you were an honest man ? Setting my
  2. knighthood and my soldiership aside , I had lied in my throat
  3. if I had said so .

Servant to the Lord Chief Justice

75 - 77
  1. I pray you , sir , then set your knighthood and your
  2. soldiership aside , and give me leave to tell you you lie in
  3. your throat if you say I am any other than an honest man .

Falstaff

78 - 81
  1. I give thee leave to tell me so ? I lay aside that which
  2. grows to me ? If thou get’st any leave of me , hang me ; if
  3. thou tak’st leave , thou wert better be hang’d . You hunt
  4. counter , hence , avaunt !

Servant to the Lord Chief Justice

82
  1. Sir , my lord would speak with you .

Lord Chief Justice

83
  1. Sir John Falstaff , a word with you .

Falstaff

84 - 90
  1. My good lord ! God give your lordship good time of day . I am
  2. glad to see your lordship abroad . I heard say your lordship
  3. was sick , I hope your lordship goes abroad by advice . Your
  4. lordship , though not clean past your youth , have yet some
  5. smack of an ague in you , some relish of the saltness of time
  6. in you , and I most humbly beseech your lordship to have a
  7. reverend care of your health .

Lord Chief Justice

91 - 92
  1. Sir John , I sent for you before your expedition to
  2. Shrewsbury .

Falstaff

93 - 94
  1. And’t please your lordship , I hear his Majesty is return’d
  2. with some discomfort from Wales .

Lord Chief Justice

95 - 96
  1. I talk not of his Majesty . You would not come when I sent
  2. for you .

Falstaff

97 - 98
  1. And I hear , moreover , his Highness is fall’n into this same
  2. whoreson apoplexy .

Lord Chief Justice

99
  1. Well , God mend him ! I pray you let me speak with you .

Falstaff

100 - 102
  1. This apoplexy , as I take it , is a kind of lethargy , and’t
  2. please your lordship , a kind of sleeping in the blood , a
  3. whoreson tingling .

Lord Chief Justice

103
  1. What tell you me of it ? Be it as it is .

Falstaff

104 - 106
  1. It hath it original from much grief , from study , and
  2. perturbation of the brain . I have read the cause of his
  3. effects in Galen , it is a kind of deafness .

Lord Chief Justice

107 - 108
  1. I think you are fall’n into the disease , for you hear not
  2. what I say to you .

Falstaff

109 - 111
  1. Very well , my lord , very well . Rather , and’t please you , it
  2. is the disease of not list’ning , the malady of not marking ,
  3. that I am troubled withal .

Lord Chief Justice

112 - 113
  1. To punish you by the heels would amend the attention of your
  2. ears , and I care not if I do become your physician .

Falstaff

114 - 118
  1. I am as poor as Job , my lord , but not so patient . Your
  2. lordship may minister the potion of imprisonment to me in
  3. respect of poverty , but how I should be your patient to
  4. follow your prescriptions , the wise may make some dram of a
  5. scruple , or indeed a scruple itself .

Lord Chief Justice

119 - 120
  1. I sent for you , when there were matters against you for your
  2. life , to come speak with me .

Falstaff

121 - 122
  1. As I was then advis’d by my learned counsel in the laws of
  2. this land - service , I did not come .

Lord Chief Justice

123
  1. Well , the truth is , Sir John , you live in great infamy .

Falstaff

124
  1. He that buckles himself in my belt cannot live in less .

Lord Chief Justice

125
  1. Your means are very slender , and your waste is great .

Falstaff

126 - 127
  1. I would it were otherwise , I would my means were greater and
  2. my waist slenderer .

Lord Chief Justice

128
  1. You have misled the youthful prince .

Falstaff

129 - 130
  1. The young prince hath misled me . I am the fellow with the
  2. great belly , and he my dog .

Lord Chief Justice

131 - 134
  1. Well , I am loath to gall a new - heal’d wound . Your day’s
  2. service at Shrewsbury hath a little gilded over your night’s
  3. exploit on Gadshill . You may thank th’ unquiet time for your
  4. quiet o’erposting that action .

Falstaff

135
  1. My lord ?

Lord Chief Justice

136
  1. But since all is well , keep it so , wake not a sleeping wolf .

Falstaff

137
  1. To wake a wolf is as bad as smell a fox .

Lord Chief Justice

138
  1. What , you are as a candle , the better part burnt out .

Falstaff

139 - 140
  1. A wassail candle , my lord , all tallow ; if I did say of wax ,
  2. my growth would approve the truth .

Lord Chief Justice

141 - 142
  1. There is not a white hair in your face but should have his
  2. effect of gravity .

Falstaff

143
  1. His effect of gravy , gravy , gravy .

Lord Chief Justice

144
  1. You follow the young prince up and down , like his ill angel .

Falstaff

145 - 156
  1. Not so , my lord . Your ill angel is light , but I hope he that
  2. looks upon me will take me without weighing , and yet in some
  3. respects I grant I cannot go . I cannot tell . Virtue is of so
  4. little regard in these costermongers’ times that true valor
  5. is turn’d berrord ; pregnancy is made a tapster , and his
  6. quick wit wasted in giving reckonings ; all the other gifts
  7. appertinent to man , as the malice of this age shapes them ,
  8. are not worth a gooseberry . You that are old consider not
  9. the capacities of us that are young , you do measure the heat
  10. of our livers with the bitterness of your galls ; and we that
  11. are in the vaward of our youth , I must confess , are wags
  12. too .

Lord Chief Justice

157 - 163
  1. Do you set down your name in the scroll of youth , that are
  2. written down old with all the characters of age ? Have you
  3. not a moist eye , a dry hand , a yellow cheek , a white beard ,
  4. a decreasing leg , an increasing belly ? Is not your voice
  5. broken , your wind short , your chin double , your wit single ,
  6. and every part about you blasted with antiquity ? And will
  7. you yet call yourself young ? Fie , fie , fie , Sir John !

Falstaff

164 - 175
  1. My lord , I was born about three of the clock in the
  2. afternoon , with a white head and something a round belly .
  3. For my voice , I have lost it with hallowing and singing of
  4. anthems . To approve my youth further , I will not . The truth
  5. is , I am only old in judgment and understanding ; and he that
  6. will caper with me for a thousand marks , let him lend me the
  7. money , and have at him ! For the box of the year that the
  8. Prince gave you , he gave it like a rude prince , and you took
  9. it like a sensible lord . I have check’d him for it , and the
  10. young lion repents ,
  11. Aside .
  12. marry , not in ashes and sackcloth , but in new silk and old
  13. sack .

Lord Chief Justice

176
  1. Well , God send the Prince a better companion !

Falstaff

177 - 178
  1. God send the companion a better prince ! I cannot rid my
  2. hands of him .

Lord Chief Justice

179 - 181
  1. Well , the King hath sever’d you . I hear you are going with
  2. Lord John of Lancaster against the Archbishop and the Earl
  3. of Northumberland .

Falstaff

182 - 195
  1. Yea , I thank your pretty sweet wit for it . But look you
  2. pray , all you that kiss my Lady Peace at home , that our
  3. armies join not in a hot day ! For , by the Lord , I take but
  4. two shirts out with me , and I mean not to sweat
  5. extraordinarily . If it be a hot day , and I brandish any
  6. thing but a bottle , I would I might never spit white again .
  7. There is not a dangerous action can peep out his head but I
  8. am thrust upon it . Well , I cannot last ever , but it was
  9. alway yet the trick of our English nation , if they have a
  10. good thing , to make it too common . If ye will needs say I am
  11. an old man , you should give me rest . I would to God my name
  12. were not so terrible to the enemy as it is . I were better to
  13. be eaten to death with a rust than to be scour’d to nothing
  14. with perpetual motion .

Lord Chief Justice

196
  1. Well , be honest , be honest , and God bless your expedition !

Falstaff

197 - 198
  1. Will your lordship lend me a thousand pound to furnish me
  2. forth ?

Lord Chief Justice

199 - 200
  1. Not a penny , not a penny , you are too impatient to bear
  2. crosses . Fare you well ! Commend me to my cousin Westmorland .
  1. Exeunt Chief Justice and Servant .

Falstaff

201 - 205
  1. If I do , fillip me with a three - man beetle . A man can no
  2. more separate age and covetousness than ’a can part young
  3. limbs and lechery ; but the gout galls the one , and the pox
  4. pinches the other , and so both the degrees prevent my
  5. curses . Boy !

Falstaff’s Page

206
  1. Sir ?

Falstaff

207
  1. What money is in my purse ?

Falstaff’s Page

208
  1. Seven groats and two pence .

Falstaff

209 - 220
  1. I can get no remedy against this consumption of the purse ;
  2. borrowing only lingers and lingers it out , but the disease
  3. is incurable . Go bear this letter to my Lord of Lancaster ,
  4. this to the Prince , this to the Earl of Westmorland , and
  5. this to old Mistress Ursula , whom I have weekly sworn to
  6. marry since I perceiv’d the first white hair of my chin .
  7. About it , you know where to find me .
  8. Exit Page .
  9. A pox of this gout ! Or a gout of this pox ! For the one or
  10. the other plays the rogue with my great toe . ’Tis no matter
  11. if I do halt , I have the wars for my color , and my pension
  12. shall seem the more reasonable . A good wit will make use of
  13. any thing . I will turn diseases to commodity .
  1. Exit .
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